It’s Official: Having Kids Has Lowered My Testosterone Level.

Me and Jack, right when I began to lose all my manliness.

I’ve never been more tired than I’ve been over the past couple of years. Kids, right? I mean, even before Grand Finale, we still had four kids. And I always figured I was tired because I was chasing all of them around.

So, in January, I decided to do something about it by working out more. The good news is that I’ve kept it up throughout the entire year. The bad news? Unlike other times when I’ve upped the exercise, this time I’ve not noticed any increase in my energy level, or for that matter, any changes to my physique. And I’ve often wondered why.

A new study I read about late last night might have given me the answer, though I’m not so sure it’s the one I wanted to hear.

[Read more over at BabbleVoices]


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You Don’t Know Who the Baby Looks Like. You Just Don’t.

Even when I look real close, I can’t tell!

Last night I went for a run and took my iPhone along because I wanted to listen to a new playlist that I had downloaded earlier in the day. About a mile into it, the music was interrupted by notification of a tweet I had received from a random woman who was commenting on a piece I had written for TLC which discussed the advantages of being an older parent. I actually fired back with a few taps of my thumbs without even breaking stride, and once I did, I was taken aback by the entire experience. I was essentially having a conversation with a woman I had never met before about the birth of my youngest child. While running. Through the use of my phone. (And I once thought call waiting was the shit…)

Yet as much as technology has changed the way in which I’m able to converse about my newborn, human nature has insisted that some of the conversations remain the exact same as they’ve always been. And I was reminded of this earlier today when Grand Finale and I ran into an old friend who engaged me in such a conversation.

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Top 10 Advantages to Being an Older Parent

C holding GF — and there really are a lot of advantages to being an older parent.

One site I really enjoy writing for is TLC’s Parentables because one of the people I blog alongside is Kate Gosselin. Which means that I’m obviously this close to getting my own reality TV show. Only we’re not gonna have any more kids, and five’s not that remarkable, so I’ll probably need a catchy title. Hmm. Ain’t no Maybes. No More Babies? Close, but not quite. Let’s see… Even if we Tried, Her Tubes Are Tied? But her tubes aren’t tied, so that doesn’t make sense. How ’bout No More Trips ‘Cause John’s Gettin Snipped? (Incidentally, I got those titles from a tongue-in-cheek post I wrote in Jan of 2010 about how C and I would never have any more children, a post I called Get Real. Eerie, no?)

Regardless, I hope you’ll click through to check out two posts I recently wrote for them. The first one’s supposed to be ha-ha and the second one opens me up to ridicule because who am I to tell you what you should and should not discuss with your kids? Still, I did it anyway. Just because, I suppose. In any event, here they are, should you want to check them out. Look for original content on this blog tomorrow…

Top 10 Advantages to Being an Older Parent and
7 Things Every Parent Should Discuss with Their Kids and 3 Things They Absolutely Should Not

Healthy Baby. Now What?

Hate to bust out one of my favorite redneck-isms on you, but there’s no other way to say it — it’s been hotter’n dammit lately. And whenever it’s hotter’n dammit, our upstairs gets a bit toasty. And the triplets had a tough time falling asleep last night thanks to all that toastiness. And, perhaps, to a bit of sassiness as well. Which meant that Caroline and I made countless trips up the stairs to tend to them on the very night that, as misfortune would have it, we finally crashed from the adrenaline high that Grand Finale’s arrival had temporarily provided us.

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The Island

I hear you. At least I think I do. So I look to see if your mouth is moving. But through the pitch black of midnight, it’s impossible to tell. Still, it must be you. No one else in our world can make that type of noise. At least not anymore. I can’t say that I’m excited to hear you. But I can’t say that I’m not, either. Because together we’ll go. And we’ll be alone. Just the two of us. And I look forward to that.

Even so, I drift back to sleep and only realize that fact during your next series of soft cries, the ones which finally prompt me to gently pick you up from the Moses basket. And together, we’re off.

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Another Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

That’s right. Just days after we celebrated Grand Finale’s birthday, it’s time to celebrate yet another. And no, it’s not Alli’s, as the above picture might suggest. Nope, today’s birthday belongs to another girl. But not Kirby. Because then that’d mean that Sam and Jack would also be celebrating a birthday today, and they’re not. And it’s not my birthday. Nor is it the birthday of our faithful hound, Briggs. So that just leaves one person.

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The Time We Met Our Brother

Soon after Caroline and I first learned that she was pregnant with Luke, I was surprised to find that I actually had to mourn the loss of something: the “youngest child” status that the triplets would soon give up. This, of course, made me appreciate just how incredibly well Alli handled the triplets’ arrival. Sure, you could hear her gears grind just a bit during the first few months of their lives, but all in all, she adjusted beautifully. So beautifully, in fact, that I honestly don’t think Caroline and I would be half as effective in raising the triplets without her.

So now the question, of course, becomes how will the triplets handle the arrival of their brother?

[Read more…]

The Birth of Grand Finale Osborne

Luke Fiser Osborne

So, it’s official. Grand Finale Osborne finally began his much-anticipated reign of the planet Earth yesterday at 1:08pm. Early indications suggest that he will be a sleepy, even-tempered and flatulent ruler. My incredibly beautiful, smart, funny and charming wife proved that she’s also a total gamer (as her tennis exploits have long attested) — she was intent on having a vaginal birth and she did just that. After much deliberation we opted to not subject our fifth and final child to a state of general namelessness, but will instead call him Luke Fiser Osborne. Luke weighed 7lbs 4.8oz at birth. Both Caroline and he are doing well.

More, later, I’m sure, but for now, I’ve posted a slide-show after the jump if you’d like to see a few pics of him. And one more thing: Caroline and I wanna thank everyone for all the love and support we feel lucky to have received. We have taken each and every such display as your biding offer to help us around the house as we get acclimated over the next few months. So we’ll be calling you. Repeatedly. Until you answer. So don’t screen us. ‘Cause that’d be bullshit. Oh. And feel free to just treat yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.

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Maybe Sigourney Weaver Would Help

Caroline and Alli, as seen waiting for Go Dot.

I feel guilty because I can tell that more and more of you are stopping by each and every day, very likely with the specific intent of finding out whether or not Grand Finale has begun his reign of planet Earth. And, well, he hasn’t. Which means each time you stop by, instead of some joyous birth announcement, all you’re getting are various snippets of mindless conversations which feature subjects as asinine as Rambo’s bandana, the Bang-Bang train and nipple stimulation as it pertains to NASCAR — all while we wait for the little fellow who’s starting to feel as if he might not ever get here.

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The Countdown to a Birth and the Embracing of It

Grand Finale has it. He’s holding on to it right now.

Today marks 39 weeks which means that sometime within the next seven days it’s overwhelmingly likely that Grand Finale Osborne will begin his reign of planet Earth. And the reality of what’s to come is finally taking full effect, causing my mind to race at warp speed, looking ahead to the future with hope as it looks back to the past for guidance. Back to the child who had it, yet never understood exactly what it was.

[Read more…]

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