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Jay Z: The Daddy Rapping Shark Jumper

January 12, 2012 By john cave osborne Leave a Comment

So, wow. I thought that Beyonce’s pregnancy got a lot of press, but it certainly pales in comparison to the press that the birth of Blue Ivy Carter has received. Lots to talk about, apparently. Like did Beyonce fake her pregnancy and farm out the dirty work to a surrogate? Or did Beyonce carry the child herself?

And what about the security measures taken by the couple? Some parents are claiming that such measures prohibited them from visiting their own children in the NICU. If true, that’s clearly disconcerting.

But of all the disconcerting elements which have surrounded the arrival of Blue Ivy Carter, none are more troubling to me than the song Jay-Z wrote in celebration of her birth.

[Read more at Babble Voices]

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Filed Under: Babbling, Pop Culture Boobs, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , , , ,

What’s Next for Michelle Duggar’s Uterus?

November 12, 2011 By john cave osborne 2 Comments

By now I’m sure that y’all have heard that the Duggars are expecting child number 20. But have you heard that Michelle Duggar’s uterus isn’t exactly sold on the idea? This, according to the recent letter which announced that Michelle Duggar’s uterus is resigning at the conclusion of this pregnancy.

Pretty surprising, no? I mean, after 18 pregnancies (two were with twins) and over 160 months of gestation, one might assume that the Duggar uterus would continue the way of the Energizer Bunny and keep going and going and going… After all, in its resignation letter, the uterus (correctly) categorized itself as “the hardest working uterus in show business… the James Brown of uteri.”

Given such, many have openly wondered if the Duggar uterus could actually be content to sit idly by after having faithfully punched the baby-factory clock for a total of 13-1/2 cumulative years.

[read more to learn the top 5 second careers the Duggar uterus is contemplating over at BabbleVoice]

Image courtesy of Spec-ta-cles via Creative Commons

Filed Under: Babbling, Pop Culture Boobs, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , , , ,

Dreaming Your Life Away

September 2, 2011 By john cave osborne 4 Comments

My mom grabbed a spadeful of dirt with an unsteady hand as she stood at the very edge and gazed down below. She looked every one of her 81 years, maybe even a few more, as she made several unsuccessful passes, unable, it seemed, to empty the spade of its contents. Or unwilling, perhaps.

Whichever, fall, the dirt eventually would. All at once, in fact, landing on the coffin with a clumpy thud, an eerie sound which visibly disturbed my mom. And me, too, for that matter. I think it was the finality of it all.

Mom’s oversized sunglasses looked out of place on such a frail woman. Though they did provide an effective shield from the anguish that was most certainly beaming from her weary eyes. It wasn’t fair. That much we all knew.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Recurring Themes, The Beautiful Fight Tagged With: , ,

Nipple Stimulation, Castor Oil and a Half Rack of Ribs

July 16, 2011 By john cave osborne 28 Comments

Caroline has officially entered the Wives’ Tale portion of her pregnancy.

Hi everyone. My name is John Cave Osborne and I’m married to the lovely and charming Caroline. And I’d like to welcome you to the Wives’ Tale portion of her much ballyhooed pregnancy. Though she would probably refer to it as the Something’s Gotta Give portion. Because, well, something’s gotta give with this kid.

I mean for days now we’ve been living under “any minute” status. Yet for days now? Nothing. Zip. Nada.  And it’s starting to feel as if we’re Waiting for Godot over here. Caroline? She’s had about enough of it. As such, she’s been consulting various wives’ tales in hopes of enticing the little fella out of her womb, dropping said wives’ tales (out of nowhere) in casual conversation as if they were as ordinary as items on our grocery list.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Lovie, Pregnancy, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , , , ,

If Pop Songs Were Written For Toddlers: The Potty Training Edition

June 23, 2011 By john cave osborne Leave a Comment

Image: ceedub13 via Creative Commons 2.0

Yeah. Okay. So we’re sorta rockin’ potty jokes today. Better than Weiner jokes, I suppose. Hope TLC doesn’t mind! Oh well. Too late now, I guess, because I went ahead and posted it on their website, Parentables. The post is basically a story about how I used to sing to the triplets during their potty training years. If you think you’ve read it before, you may have read something similar, but this one’s got potty-altered songs I’ve yet to mention (though there is one cross-over).

As you can tell from the photo above, one of them is a Snoop Dogg song. Drop It In The Pot, of course. The others?

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Blog Community, Pop Culture Boobs, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , , , ,

Man Updates Facebook Status While Holding Woman Hostage

June 22, 2011 By john cave osborne 7 Comments

Dude. Would this not make the most awesome profile pic ever?   Image: deltaMike via Creative Commons

You know what I absolutely cannot stand? When I’m totally engaged in a felonious activity only to realize that my dumb ass has run off and left my smartphone in the car. Nothing, I mean nothing, annoys me quite like that. Because how else would I keep all my buddies up to speed on my nefarious activities? Sure, they could wait for the 6 o’clock news, or whatever, but that’s so 2004.

Just ask Jason Valdez. He knows. Because he’s the 36-year-old man who updated his Facebook status multiple times inside a Salt Lake City hotel room during a 16-hour standoff with authorities while holding a woman hostage.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Pop Culture Boobs, Random, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , , ,

The Problem With Hugh Hefner

June 17, 2011 By john cave osborne 10 Comments

Hef, back when he was legit. Image: Alan Light via Creative Commons

I have a question. Is it cool with y’all if we quit pretending like Hugh Hefner is legitimately dating super-hot women 60 years his junior? It’s really starting to bug me. Because it’s bullshit, and you know it. So why does everyone pretend like it’s not?

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Pop Culture Boobs, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , ,

10 Funny Weiner Resignation Headlines

June 16, 2011 By john cave osborne 4 Comments

That Weiner looks kinda crooked, no? Image: David Boyle Creative Commons

Wow. So Weiner’s done. On the one hand, I’m good with it. I mean, it’s not so much what he did (though I, personally think it’s abhorrent behavior), but it’s how steadfastly he denied it. Simply put, I could never, ever tell such a significant lie not to mention tell such a lie to an entire country. I seriously don’t understand how anyone could do this, much less someone who has been voted into public office (presumably) by earning the confidence of countless constituents.

Yet, on the other hand, I’m quite sad. Because I so enjoyed making up Weiner headlines. Given the spike in traffic I received, I gather that you enjoyed it, too. So in honor of Weiner’s resignation, I’ve penned 10 last headlines about his resignation that I’d LOVE to see in print. Consider it my way of saying goodbye to a dick.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Pop Culture Boobs, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , , , , ,

Top 10 Anthony Weiner Headlines I’ve Yet to Read

June 13, 2011 By john cave osborne 21 Comments

The congressman knows what the photographer of these hotdogs knew. If you take the picture from below, your wieners will look bigger.

Seriously, y’all. This stuff writes itself. So why isn’t anyone writing them? Or maybe they are, and I’m just not reading them. Thus far, Gawker’s had the best Weiner headline that I’ve seen a la Can Weiner Keep it Up. And while it was good enough to draw an audible chuckle, it could have been so much better. So tell me, why haven’t the Weiner headlines been off-the-hook funny?

WE DESERVE FUNNIER WEINER HEADLINES, DAMN IT.

So I’ve taken the liberty of writing the 10 best Weiner headlines I could, um, muster up. Now, please keep two things in mind. I possess the maturity of a super immature 15-year-old. And, I’m not saying that these haven’t been written. For all I know, they have been, but if, indeed they have, I’ve not seen them, so please forgive me if I end up coming up with a derivation of something that’s already out there.

Now, without further ado, here are the 10 best Anthoney Weiner headlines I’ve yet to read:

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Pop Culture Boobs, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , , , ,

Sex, Lies and Weiner’s Debate

June 7, 2011 By john cave osborne 3 Comments

So, aside from being a dead ringer for Arnold Horshack, it turns out that Anthony Weiner is also one whale of a sexter. Aggressive. The real deal. Of course, when the now infamous Twit pic first surfaced, Weiner pretended like he wasn’t the real deal, instead insisting that his Twitter account had been hacked by someone who was simply making a play on his last name. It stands to reason that this was the only time in the guy’s entire life that he was actually stoked to have the last name Weiner, you know, to lend at least a shred of potential credibility to his claim. And the rest of us should just be happy that he wasn’t born Anthony Ball because God only knows what type of photo “the hacker” would have taken to make a play on that one. Regardless, the defiant congressman has refused to step down. After all, that would force his constituents to somehow carry on with their Weiner out. And, well, most folks aren’t into that kinda stuff.

[Read more...]

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