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I’m on TV Tonight!

October 13, 2010 By john cave osborne 5 Comments

Ktown peeps — please tune in to the WVLT 6 o’clock news tonight. At, um, 6 o’clock.

Why? Because my brood and I will be featured during one of the segments. You see, the one and only Michele Silva was kind enough to stop by mi casa earlier today. But not only that. She was also brave enough to stay! For like an entire, or something. I’m happy to report that she survived the encounter without sustaining even so much as a scratch.

Her cameraman, however, is rumored to have suffered a broken pinkie toe during a bizarre hit-and-run encounter with Monster, who accidentally ran over Silva’s sidekick while hauling ass on his scooter through our (furniture-less) living room. (Okay, that last bit was bogus, but it easily could have happened. Right, Nate?)

But seriously — watch it if you can. Michele said the segment turned out really well. We talked about all kinds of things including my book and “the video” the “Greatest Dad in the World” contest.

I want to repeat one thing loud and clear. I don’t even think I’m the greatest dad on my street, much less the greatest dad in the world, but I do hope I win. Because if I do, I’m donating the entire $2,000 first prize to ChildHelp.org, a leading national non-profit which benefits the victims of child abuse and neglect.

By clicking on the icon below, then clicking on “vote,” you’ll help me make that donation a reality. And, remember, you can one time EVERY SINGLE DAY! Currently, I’m in second place — but don’t give up on me! I have a feeling I’m gonna pull it out.

Filed Under: Blog Community, My Book Tagged With: , , , ,

Three Years Ago Today

September 29, 2010 By john cave osborne 30 Comments

I barged into the room with a purpose, but couldn’t remember for the life of me what that purpose was until I saw the familiar red banner of the USA Today sports section. Birthday or not, the world of college football stops for no one. I hadn’t planned on watching any of the action that day, but I was such a bag of nerves that I desperately needed a distraction. After reviewing the docket of games, I decided to place a small wager on one of them—a symbolic fifty dollar bet that I was sure to win. For that day was a lucky one—it was three of my four children’s birthday. Auburn catching seventeen points against Florida at The Swamp was my selection. [Read more...]

Filed Under: My Book, My Crew, Pics and Vids Tagged With: , , ,

They Wanted To Show Me Their “Bunsen Burner” But I Politely Declined

September 17, 2010 By john cave osborne 27 Comments

The guys at DadLabs are funny folks, except they kept asking me if I wanted to see their “Bunsen Bruners,” and, frankly, I’m not into that kinda stuff. Especially with a camera rolling and all. [Read more...]

Filed Under: My Book Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Radio Silence

June 18, 2010 By john cave osborne 24 Comments

For those of you here in Ktown who tuned in to Star 102.1 at 8:30 this morning to hear me speak too quickly in super-long, run-on sentences on the Marc, Kim, and Frank show, all you actually heard was…

nothing.

As I turned onto their street, their broadcast (which I had been listening to on my way in) went dead.

Hmmm. That’s odd, I thought. Maybe there’s no signal when you get too close?

As I walked into the room adjacent to the studio, I was surprised to see Kim pop her head above a cubical wall, flashing me an infectious smile.

“Hey, there. We’re not on the air.”

“Well, I’d assume not,” I said. “I wouldn’t think you’d broadcast my arrival.”

“No. I mean we’re actually off the air! None of our listeners can hear us right now.”

So much for the too-close-to-get a signal theory.

Guess what happened?

A. One of those annoying emergency-broadcast-system tests went horribly awry.
B. I was so convinced that I’d make a fool of myself, I deployed Macgyver-type skills to intentionally sabotage the broadcast to salvage my (not-so-good) reputation.
C. Their transmitter went down.

Give up?

It was C. Their transmitter went down.

Kim felt horrible given that part of the reason she wanted to have me on this very day was to pimp my book signing, which is tonight. She couldn’t have been any sweeter or more fun to talk to (we chatted for about ten minutes)–and I knew that’d be the case. She stops by my blog from time to time, and I tune into her during my commute. We also go back and forth on twitter a bit, so we’ve developed a pretty good rapport. She’s just as great in person as she is on the radio or on the internet. Big fan.

Anyway, the bad news is that I wasn’t able to spread the word about my 6:00 pm book signing tonight at Carpe Librum. (Please come by!) The good news is that they’re gonna have me back in the next coupla weeks or so.

Geez. The transmitter goes down during one of the most-listened-to, morning radio shows in town mere moments before I’m about to go on. What are the odds?

Probably about the same as having triplets!


Filed Under: My Book

Note to Self

June 16, 2010 By john cave osborne 20 Comments

Dear Self,

Next time you get invited on TV to talk about your book, think twice about bringing your brood. Because you never know when your boys will break free and stroll onto the set. (Thank goodness it was during a commercial.)

What did you think they’d do? Just sit there quietly while watching hosts Russell Bivens and Beth Haynes do their thing? Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. And, at least for part of the time, they did just that.

But even when they were being good boys and girls, they were a mere spontaneous meltdown away from making the wrong kind of news in chairs which were scant feet away from all the action. Lucky Lovie was there to keep everything under control.

Surely they’d be good for my interview. Right?

Um, wrong. The interview, appropriately enough, was littered with kiddie interruptions.

And honestly? I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Wanna watch it? Click this link.

Tales from the Trips is available at Carpe Librum Booksellers, Borders Books, on amazon or direct from the publisher. 30% of all proceeds go to Childhelp, a leading non-proffit organization which benefits victims of child abuse and neglect.

Filed Under: My Book Tagged With: ,

Father's Day

June 14, 2010 By john cave osborne 12 Comments

Have y’all missed me? I’ve not posted anything new in almost two weeks — the longest I’ve gone since I started blogging regularly in November.

The reason? It’s been a little crazy around here, and I’ve been out of town some, and work has been real stressful, and Lovie was gone on a tennis tournament, and bla, bla, bla, bla, bla… I’m still in the middle of it all, so, regretfully, I don’t have any huge post for you just yet.

I do, however, have a little, good-ol fashioned self promoting to drop on you. For those of you who are still reading, I’m excited to let you know that I’ll be on Live at Five at Four today. All you Knoxville peeps be sure to check it out. Also, be on the lookout for a piece on me, my brood, and the book in Wednesday’s Knoxville News Sentinel. Then, on Friday, I’ll be on Star 102.1 with Marc, Kim, and Frank from 8:30 to 9:00. (Do you think they’ll play Lady GaGa for me?) All of this leading up to a book signing at Carpe Librum Booksellers on Friday evening at 6:00.

So if you live in Knoxville and you’ve not picked up a copy yet, come on by Carpe Librum on and kick off your Father’s Day weekend with us. What better gift for any new dad or a soon-to-be dad than a book about a guy who went from full-blown bachelorhood to father of four in a mere thirteen months? Or, you can always get in on amazon, or direct from me if you can’t make the book signing.

For more information about Tales from the Trips, please visit the book’s website!

Filed Under: My Book

Weasel Momma Book Club

April 23, 2010 By john cave osborne 12 Comments

Big shout out to Fatherhood Friday peeps. (Are blogging peeps “bleeps?”) My real Fatherhood Friday Post is yesterday’s post, Photo Haikus. Please check out the community of great folks blogging from a fatherly perspective by visiting dad-blogs.

* * *

Weasel Momma, author of the popular blog World of Weasels, recently asked if I’d like for Tales from the Trips to be the inaugural book discussed during the first ever gathering of her (soon-to-be) illustrious book club. Who was I to say no? If you’d like to see for yourself just how awkward I am in real life, click here to check out the fifteen minute skype conversation the two of us had.

After watching it, I’ve decided that there should be a drinking game played to it. Take a sip everytime I touch my nose (what in the world??). Just make sure you won’t be driving any time soon!

Remember, my book can be purchased on amazon, Double Up Books, or direct from the publisher. Have a great weekend!

Filed Under: My Book

The Language of Lovie

April 20, 2010 By john cave osborne 30 Comments

lovely lovie

As most of you know, I have a new book out, Tales from the Trips. Virtually every reader I’ve heard from seems to agree on one thing.

Lovie steals the show.

So what is it about Lovie that’s so captivating, you may wonder? Simple. It’s how well she deals with all of my nonsense. An exchange we had just two days ago is a perfect example.

“You’re a jerk,” she said, half kidding and half not. (Why I was being called a jerk is anyone’s guess, but I can assure you it was probably warranted.)

“A jerk?” I asked.

“Yep. A jerk. If people want to find you on the internet, they just type in www.jerk.”

“Which domain? Dot com? Dot edu? Dot org, maybe?” I asked.

“Dot dick, honey. Dot dick.”

No wonder my readers love her, so. Today, I thought it’d be fun to post five of my favorite Lovie–JCO exchanges from the book. Since I’m too lazy to type, I’ll be cutting and pasting, which means our gal Lovie will be going by her real name, Caroline.

* * *

5.) With Caroline in the hospital on bed rest, the task of getting Pookie ready for school each day was left to yours truly. I called my wife in a panic the night before the first of those mornings for some pointers. Here’s how it went down:

“What am I gonna do tomorrow?” I asked her.

“You’re going to get her ready for school.”

“Obviously, but what do I do?”

“Well, for starters, you have to make her take her reflux medicine and fix her breakfast.”

“I can handle the medicine, but what should I fix her for breakfast? She won’t eat cereal, will she?”

“No. You’ll have to make her something. Go to the refrigerator.”

“Refrigerator?”

“Yeah, you know, that door in our kitchen that you open when you want to have a snack?”

“Oh. I thought that was the pantry,” I said.

“Do you want my help or not?” asked Caroline.

“I need your help.”

“Then shut up and open up the fridge.”

* * *

4. ) Caroline’s, um, constructive criticism of Briggs, the dog I owned long before she and I were ever an item:

“Honey,” Caroline began another call to me, “your dumbass dog has struck again.”

“Oh no,” I exclaimed. Even I was getting sick of his shenanigans. “What was it this time? A toy? A shirt?”

“No. He’s on to much messier and disgusting things now. He dug into the garbage and chewed up a full bag of…”

No. No. Please no. Not a bag of…

“DIRTY DIAPERS! A whole day’s worth. Not only that, he must have eaten some because he’s thrown up on the floor. And I’ve got news for you. IT DOESN’T SMELL LIKE THROW UP! IT SMELLS LIKE SOMETHING ELSE!”

“Well, honey,” I answered, “you always said he had shit for brains. I suppose it was only a matter of time before he started having shit for lunch.”

* * *

3.) Don’t mess with Caroline when it comes to organizing for a trip:

“Honey,” I complained, “there’s no room for my bag.”

“Here,” she said, handing me three plastic grocery sacks.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Your luggage,” she replied. “Unpack your bag and put only the stuff you need in these. We’ll find a place for them.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

Wrong. My allotted luggage was squeezed under the front seat.

* * *

2.) Caroline is quite possibly the world’s worst driver. But that doesn’t stop her from fighting back:

“Caroline!” I screamed as she narrowly missed rear-ending a car that was slowing down to turn right. “See that blinking light down there on the right side of that man’s car? It’s called a turn signal. Do you know what it indicates? It indicates that he’s about to turn right, which means he’ll have to slow down. That indicates that you should probably slow down, too.”

“Honey,” she said.

“What?”

“Do you know what this indicates?” she asked while slowly extending her middle finger.

* * *

the road trips usually end here.

#1) Quite possibly my favorite exchange of all-time, another road-trip gem:

“We need to stop for lunch between eleven-thirty and twelve,” said Caroline.

The effective traveling rule of putting off all stops for as long as possible made the answer an obvious one. “Great,” I said. “We’ll stop at twelve.”

“But everyone in America will be eating then,” complained Caroline.

“Well,” I said, “I guess we’ll be eating with them. We’ll call it America’s Lunch.”

“You’re America’s Jackass,” she answered.

We stopped at eleven-thirty.

* * *

So there you have it. Five of my favorite Lovie–JCO exchanges from Tales from the Trips–but, remember, those are only five. There are many, many more. If you’d like to read them, please buy the book. You can get it on Amazon or you can also buy direct from the publisher. Those copies will be autographed.

But come to think of it, maybe I should just have my wife sign them.

After all, Lovie steals the show.

Filed Under: Lovie, My Book, Recurring Themes Tagged With: , ,

Tales from the Trips

April 9, 2010 By john cave osborne 18 Comments

As you head into the weekend, I hope you’ll take a couple of minutes to visit Susan Heim’s website. Susan is a highly-regarded parenting author (she has four kids, including twins!) in addition to being the editor of Chicken Soup for the Soul. She’s also very kind. So kind, in fact, that a while back, this incredibly busy woman agreed to read my book. To see what she had to say about it, click here.

Also, I hope you’ll visit my book’s website. There you’ll find book quotes, excerpts, videos, etc…

Tales from the Trips can be purchased on amazon.com and Double Up Books. You can also buy it direct from the publisher. (Copies purchased direct or from Double Up Books are signed!) For those of you in Knoxville, it will be in local bookstores soon.

Regardless of where you are, look to hear more and more about the book in the next couple of months, particularly as we inch closer to Father’s Day. (Don’t worry, I’ll try not to wear you out too bad…)

One last thing…I began blogging in November, in part to promote the book. Since then, I’ve been blown away by the number of great people who regularly stop by to read. Some of you are friends or acquaintances from around town. Others of you are people I’ve never once met. Some of you aren’t your typical blog readers. Others of you are blogging experts whose words I frequently devour, whose opinions I often seek.

Regardless of which category you fall into, please know how much I appreciate you stopping by. Before I began blogging, I’m not sure I understood the sense of community that comes along with it. It never occurred to me that by selfishly pursuing my passion for writing, I’d actually become a part of something. Something that’s incredibly big. Something that’s incredibly special. Something that’s defined as virtual, but experienced as real.

Yet that’s exactly what’s happened. Basically because of everyone who visits me, as well as everyone whom I visit. And I appreciate it. Very much. And I guess I just wanted you to know.

OH. And I also wanted y’all to buy my damn book, so what are you waiting for? Chop-chop, Pooh Bears. You’ll love it.

And if you don’t, I’ll refund your money.

Okay, that last part’s bullshit. But you should buy it anyway!

Have a great weekend.

Filed Under: My Book

Interviewed by Superman

January 28, 2010 By john cave osborne 10 Comments

Two things today, my friends.

Number one, I simply CANNOT believe how many of y’all wondered if I was the half-naked clown clutching the pink pillow in the picture featured in yesterday’s post, One of the Girls. I was not said clown. I can assure you.

But secondly, and much more importantly, it’s not everyday you get to be interviewed by Superman. But that’s exactly what happened to me recently. Ron Mattocks, author of the cleverly written and extremely popular blog, Clark Kent’s Lunchbox, is conducting a two part interview with yours truly. Part one was posted yesterday. I’m remiss for not having shared it before now, but I was too busy embarrassing myself with yesterday’s rant.

Not only do I hope you’ll click here to read the interview, but I also hope you’ll take time to read some of his other posts. If you’re looking for suggestions, the one about his recent vasectomy is simply brilliant.

Thanks, Ron! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!

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Filed Under: My Book