The Real Reason We Had Another Child

Before I start, most of y’all know that I’m not afraid to make a video with my trusty HD Sony Handycam. And if you comment on the post I wrote today over at Babble, you’ll have a chance to win your own HD Sony Handycam (complete with built-in projector which not only totally works, but was also the subject of my post). To read and leave a comment, click HERE.

Okay, so Caroline, the kids and I just got back from a wonderful, week-long vaca at the beach. Great time. See that picture above? It was taken at the Beach Club in Sea Pines on Hilton Head Island. Given that there are seven different entities that must perform when the man behind the camera says cheese, I’m pretty sure that’s about as good as we can do.

Quick shout out to Luke who looks like he was trying to make C experience a wardrobe malfunction. Better luck next time, son.

And it’s Luke who is the impetus for this post. I took to DisneyBaby earlier this month to express just how much a part of the plan this unplanned baby had always been — sentiments which were only furthered by our time together this past week. Simply put, I can’t believe there was ever a time when Caroline and I didn’t want to have another baby.

But there really was such a time, so overwhelmed were we with the blended family that featured four kids, three of them infants. While in Hilton Head (on Hilton Head?) I remembered a post I’d written long ago that talked about how we’d never have another child. And one of the commenters on that post wrote the following:

Talking publicly about not planning to have more kids is a dangerous, dangerous thing. It’s like telling someone your triplets are sleeping through the night. You can guarantee it will be months before that happens again. So shhhhh! Don’t be flirting with danger my friend!

Ha. Danger, indeed. Only the danger turned out to be a delight. Anyway, I thought I’d re-post the original post because it’s just so weird for me to read the (very tongue-in-cheek) words given I feel now. I made just a few edits to what I’d originally called Get Real, a post that I wrote on January 6, 2010. Here it is:

Caroline and I got married in 2006. She was a 37-year-old single mom to Alli at the time, and I was a 36-year-old, semi-professional bachelor. We knew before we even tied the knot that we wanted to have a child together.

A child, mind you. At least that was my thinking. Caroline thought that more than one might be nice. “Let’s just focus on having one,” I told her. “Then we can see how we feel about having another.”

Obviously the triplets tabled any future conversations concerning more children. Or so I thought. Till one night, when our trio was just six months old, Caroline said “Sometimes I think it’d be funny  if we had another child.”

There are many adjectives that come to my mind with such a scenario, but funny is not among them. After all, in trying for a simple addition to bring us just below the national family average, we had somehow become the Waltons in one fell swoop. And I wasn’t convinced that we could be trusted to produce only one more. With our luck, I’d knock Caroline up with quintuplets. Then we’d be burdened with our own reality show:

John and Caroline Plus Nine

I don’t know about you, but one-upping the Gosselins doesn’t sound like anything that I would consider even remotely funny. And what if Caroline still thought it’d be funny to have more after that. And we duplicated our inaugural effort with yet another set of triplets? Talk about reality shows.

Our Good Lovin’ Made a Dozen? I don’t think so.

In December (this would have been December in 2009), I read that Kate Gosselin has a new show in the works. Frankly, it scared the hell out of me. I mean, America needs more Kate Gosselin like Caroline and I need more children. And if TV execs could possibly think that such a show was a good idea, I knew it was possible that Caroline just might relapse and again ponder the hilarity that is/are potential additions to our brood. Accordingly, I thought it would be prudent if I armed myself with TV show titles that would discourage such insanity.

Even If We Tried, Her Tubes Are Tied

But her tubes aren’t tied. So that didn’t make sense.

No More Trips ‘Cause John Got Snipped

Only I haven’t been snipped. And I never will get snipped. I’m scared of the knife, and besides, I hate peas. The last thing I’d ever wanna do is sit on a frozen bag of them. (Edit — I totally did get snipped shortly after Luke was born. And in the immediate aftermath I found myself in bed watching non-stop TV in an opiate-induced slumber, which is exactly when I learned that there’s no shame in crying at the end of Home Alone. It’s a tender reunion between an abandoned, vulnerable little boy and the mother who never meant to leave him. But I digress — back to “Get Real.”)

Lovie’s Bod Will Not House Quads

Not bad. But that title leaves a little too much wiggle room for my liking. Technically, it allows for the possibility of Caroline’s petite frame housing fewer (or more?) than four. Which is why I kept at it and eventually came up with the perfect title for the only reality show I would ever consider when it came to our family—no matter what Caroline had to say about it.

Ain’t No Maybes—No More Babies

Luckily, it’s been nearly two years since Caroline has mentioned brought up this funny business. So my clever title hasn’t been necessary.

But you never know. And that’s why I’ve got it. Just in case. [end]

So that was it. The post about how we’d never have any more children which just might be the real reason that we did wind up having another child after all. And all I’m left to say is two things: First, I meant what I wrote. I really didn’t want to have any more children.

And second?

It’s funny how things change, no?

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Debbie

    What a great pic!!!!!!!!!!! Caroline looks fab as always!!

    • John Cave Osborne

      thanks, debbie!

  • Graham

     I missed the original post–how funny! Luv that Luke!

    • John Cave Osborne

       ha. yes. Luke’s the bomb.

  • Beth

    All I can say is if you had any thought of having a more beautiful bunch than the five you already have……well, good luck with that!   Did Briggs get to go to the beach?

    • John Cave Osborne

      beth — sorry so late — it’s been crazy! but, NO. Briggs never gets to go (sadly) b/c the place we stay isn’t dog friendly. BUT he’s totally over his ACL injury and is back in the mix w/ us and we’re so glad that he’s returned to his old self. (and thanks for the nice comment!)

  • Weasel Momma

    I say, the more the merrier!  Those overwhelming surprises usually turn into the most joyous gifts.  Enjoy your beautiful large family.

    • John Cave Osborne

      well, well, well. if it isn’t ol’ WM. sorry for the delayed response — i’ve been super scattered lately. but it’s great to hear from you. how are you? and you know a thing or two about beautiful large families, right?