A Kick Shave and a Beauty: Bye Bye to a Bad Beard

The following post is sponsored by Philips Norelco, which provided me with two products for review and also compensated me for my time. Multiple pictures of my weak beard to follow.

Last we left off, we established that Philips Norelco really is the manufacturer of men’s grooming products. You know, as opposed to a major player in the birth control industry, a theory I came up with (along with countless vasectomy jokes) in response to my involvement with their sponsored campaign.

You see, I was supposed to grow a beard in honor of the NHL playoffs, then groom said beard with their Vacuum Stubble and Beard Trimmer Pro. Only my beard repels my wife. Hence the whole birth-control theory.

And I must say, those first two weeks with a beard, it was easy to see her point. It was pathetic. Then something funny happened: thanks to grooming it with the beard trimmer, it actually started to come in pretty good. To the point where I kinda started to like the damn thing.

So instead of shaving it off at the end of the NHL Finals with the PowerTouch with Aquatec shaver, I asked Philips Norelco if I could carry on with my beard instead. Much to Caroline’s dismay, they thought it was a great idea.

Which meant that I got to keep the kick-ass beard I was growing. So I continued to groom it here and there with the beard trimmer, and it continued to come in, little by little, bit by bit. And the end result reminded me the American Idol auditions.

You’ve seen ‘em. Some poor sap stands in front of the judges and sings as if his life depends on it, only it’s horrifically awful. Guttural noises with the occasional falsetto squeal (aka upper register, Dawg) that puts the fear of God in any man woman or child within earshot.

Once the guy’s finally through, the judges tell him how bad he was, which you’d assume he’d have to have known. I mean, pretty much anyone blessed with the sense of hearing would arrive at the exact same conclusion. Only the guy is genuinely befuddled, his dream of wielding his “instrument” to superstardom squashed on national TV, rendering him crestfallen. Inconsolable even. Which is exactly when you realize this wasn’t an act. This kid really thought he was a good singer. And you sit back and wonder how he could have legitimately thought that given just how bad he was.

Well, I’m kinda like that kid, only instead of being armed with song, I’m rocking a splotchy-ass beard. One that I thought looked really, really good. Only it didn’t. And my judge, Caroline, let me know this fact early and often. (And, no. This does not make my wife J Lo.) Here’s some evidence for you.

First, the full frontal. Out of focus, but give me a break. My 10-year-old took it. Plus, I’ve got a weird scowl and some strange eye thing going on that you can make fun of. You’ll note that from this view, it sorta looks legit in a Salt ‘N Peppa kind of way. (Ooh, baby, baby.)

Shot number two: from the right side. You can’t even see most of it because of it being gray and all. But what you can see is some unsightly, scraggly looking black hairs here and there, and it’s just not a good look.

And, the final shot, from the left. A shot that leaves me no choice but to officially categorize this as a… cheard. (Chin beard.)

So, yeah. Not good. But it’s so not fair, y’all, because I really wanted it to look good. Regardless, last night, I finally came to grips with reality and got out the beard trimmer and cut ‘er down to a manageable size, then followed up with the PowerTouch with Aqutec shaver and officially put an end to my cheard. And, in keeping with the hockey theme from whence this cheard came, it was a quick shave and a beauty. (Get it? A play off the hockey term kick save and a beauty? Oh, never mind.)

Anyway, my take on the Aquatec shaver? I actually liked it. And I use the word “actually” because I’m not really an electric shaver guy. In fact, I’ve never consistently used one in my entire life primarily because they tend to (a) irritate my face and neck and (b) come up short when compared to a blade.

But the Aquatec was two for two on both those fronts. My face and neck felt just fine after using it and it also gave me a nice, close shave. So I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to anyone out there, particularly someone who regularly uses electric razors.

Only here’s the deal: I’m not gonna use it again. But not because I didn’t like it. Instead because I’m gonna use the beard groomer exclusively from this point forward. You know, so I can go all George Michaels on you and have perennial scruff going. He’s very hip, you know.

And I will be, too, because you can dial that beard groomer in tight. So tight, in fact, that in no time at all, I’ll be rocking super-manly stubble that’ll make Fred Flinstone’s five-o-clock shadow come off like the rosy cheeks of Justin Bieber after a nice, long steam.

Caroline’s really excited.

Okay, no she’s not. But I am. I’m gonna look great, y’all. No matter what the judges say.

Special thanks to Philips Norelco for letting me participate in this great campaign. These two products do, indeed, come with my recommendation. Especially the beard trimmer. I love it and plan on using it all the time.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.