My Beard Experiences a Change of Plans

The following post is sponsored by Philips Norelco, which provided me with two products for review and also compensated me for my time.

First: Did you really think I was just gonna start off with a picture of my beard? Because you’d be wrong. To see it, you’ll have to wait a bit. It’s coming, though.

Okay. Next: I’ve got a developing situation on my hands, people. Remember how I told you that Philips Norelco asked me to grow a beard, then shave it off, both in honor of the NHL playoffs and so I could opine on their products here on my blog?

Well here’s the deal. I’ve been growing this thing and, I gotta say, at first it was truly horrendous. And my goodness did it ever itch. Plus, I never really liked myself with a beard, etc…

You know what else this beard has proven to be? Gray. And not of the 50 Shades of variety. Nope. This thing makes a (kinda) young man look old. What’s more, it’s a real wife repellant as evidenced by the following exchange Caroline and I had just the other day:

Me: SO? Hmm? Whaddya think?

Caroline: About what?

Me: My beard.

Caroline: Oh, that. Why are you growing it again?

Me: For a sponsored post on my blog, remember?

Caroline: Oh yeah, that’s right. Who’s the sponsor? Just For Men?

Record scratch

Me: No, honey. Philips Norelco.

Caroline: Oh thanks goodness. Surely, then, they can give you something to shave it off with.

That was the plan, alright. I was supposed to grow this thing and groom it with the Philips Norelco’s Vacuum Stubble and Beard Trimmer Pro during the Stanley Cup playoffs in honor of a longstanding tradition embraced by NHL players and fans alike — the playoff beard.

Once the playoffs concluded I was to shave the beard with their PowerTouch with Aquatec electric razor, then relay my experience of using said razor.

All of this meant, of course, that I couldn’t wait till the Stanley Cup Finals were over because that would mean the beard could finally go. But something funny happened along the way.

I began to like it. A lot. I mean that Vacuum Stubble and Beard Trimmer really works well. It’s so easy to use – just set it on a number and glide it through your beard and BOOM, you’ve got a more uniform and well-maintained look.

You know what else it really helped with? The itching that comes with a beard — an unexpected bonus to be certain.

But not as unexpected as this: I’m sitting there watching the Finals last night and I found myself rooting for New Jersey despite the fact that I really want the Kings to win (how could you not – an 8 seed taking such a stranglehold on the postseason?). And the reason I found myself rooting for the Devils is because I don’t want the series to end. And the reason why I don’t want it to end is that I’m not ready to say goodbye to ol’ Graybeard just yet.

Because Graybeard’s tight y’all. I’m like a movie star with this bad boy. Think Corey Feldmen in Goonies. If he’d sported a beard at age 12 or whatever. And was prematurely gray. And had a better vocal because I’m way more glib than Corey Feldman.

Rambling. My point is a simple one. Though I never saw this coming, my beard totally kicks ass. Wanna see it? Okay, here goes:

Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.

So, anyway, during the game, I made an executive decision. I ain’t shaving the beard off. At least not yet. I’m gonna keep using the beard trimmer to shape it up and see what I can make out of this thing. (Aside from a turned-off wife. But what does she know? This thing’s making me a head-turner.)

Only one problem. I had to bounce my change of plans off of Norelco. After all, I was going against what they’d asked me to do. But guess what? They were good with it! So that sound you just heard? It was a collective sigh of relief from women around the world.

So, yeah. There you go. I’m going to keep grooming and growing and will be updating you in another two or three weeks on (a) how the beard is going (yes, I’ll provide more pics) and (b) whether or not I’ve decided to keep it longer, still.

I wanna close by telling you this: I’m as surprised as anybody that I want to keep this thing. And the main reason isn’t because I look like a movie star. Because I look like a dork.

But there’s something quirky about this beard that I really like. It seems to suit me right now.

I mean, first off, it’s gray which is kinda symbolic of the fact that I’m a bit old to have so many kids aged four or younger. Next, I think it’s cool because it’s different, which shows that I’m not afraid to have fun and try new things. No. It’s not a “great” beard by any stretch of the imagination, which shows that I don’t take myself too seriously.

Yet (and finally), the beard trimmer really is making it look a ton better and that shows that I work hard with what I’ve got.

And that’s at least half the battle. Don’t you think?

Special thanks to Philips Norelco for this fun campaign. And don’t worry, guys. Caroline’ll get over this soon.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Awinsto2

    OMG, JCO, just shave!

    • john cave osborne

      NEVER. well, until i decide to go ahead and do it, at least. hope the leg is ever better…

  • Jay – Dude of the House

    I’d think the summer heat in TN alone would make you want to shave, so this must be one great razor. 

    • john cave osborne

      jay — sorry it took me so long to respond — i was away on a camping trip Fri thru Sun. but i hear you on the heat / beard thing. but, as you implied — the groomer makes it so easy to maintain and, plus, you can thin it out so it’s not as hot. thanks for leaving a comment!

  • Betadad

    Very distinguished!  I think I have pretty much the same growth pattern on my face, but a little patchier and pubier.  

    • john cave osborne

      dude — if you have this same thing going on, then you and i should totally just grow it out and start like a club or something — you know — hot men over 40 with multiples and questionable beards.

  • The JackB

    Go Kings!  Too bad you have to shave, the mountain man look would suit you just fine.

    • john cave osborne

      but that’s just it — i don’t have to shave it thanks to Norelco. and what up w/ the Kings? how come they’re not finishing this thing off?!

  • muskrat

    I think it’s cool.  Were I not a part-time Air Force officer, I’d totally have a beard like yours (after I dyed it grey, of course)! 

  • Sweetney

    *trying SO HARD not to hate your epic beauty* IT BURNS! (ha, geddit? BURNS?)

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