A Briggs Story Best Left Untold

Note: The events described in this post actually went down last week, but I didn’t get a chance to publish it before our family camping trip, so here it is now.

Okay. This post is a total vent. So feel free to bail right now if you don’t wanna hear me bellyache. Oh. And if you have a weak stomach, you’re seriously in the wrong place. Leave. Immediately. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So I get home from work a couple of days ago, and I smell something that’s all too familiar in my household.

“Honey,” I said to Caroline, “does Luke need a diaper?”

“Nope. I just changed him.”

Good enough for me. On to the next thing which was taking taking Briggs out for a walk, a chore, it seemed, that was well timed in that I could hear him barking from his crate clear across the house.

“I’m gonna deal with my hound,” I said to Caroline. “Sounds like he might need to go out.”

“I think he’s just barking because he heard you come in,” Caroline said. “I just took him out an hour or two ago.”

“So he’s good?”

“He’s good.”

Good enough for me. On to the next thing which was driving Alli to swim practice. Upon my return, I entered the same door to the same smell and repeated the same question I’d posed earlier to the same woman who gave me the same answer.

Luke did not need a diaper.

Good enough for me. On to the next thing which was figuring out what time the Celtics game started because after getting through the witching hour, I’d planned on doing something I rarely get to do: sit on my ass and watch sports uninterrupted for an hour or two.

I know. Decadent.

As I poked around the Internet to see what time the game tipped, Caroline went back to our room, returning shortly thereafter, her face colorless and void of any expression, her eyes glossed over and looking right through me.

“What’s up?”

“You need to go in there,” she said, pointing toward the bedroom.

Two thoughts:

Wonder what it is? and How bad could it be?

Two answers:

You don’t wanna know and Way worse than I thought.

So, again, weak stomach folks, get off here. It’s your very last warning. Because I’m about to tell you how Briggs, confined to a crate on account of his torn ACL, a crate which resides in our bedroom, had taken the second or third biggest shit of all times, which, incidentally, explained the diaper smell I’d detected clear across the entire house. Only there at ground zero, our room did not smell like a dirty diaper as the intensity had picked up several-hundred fold. No, our room smelled as if it had been magically transported to the inside of our dog’s ass.

Upon further examination, Briggs had trampled in said shit with all four feet. He’d also somehow gotten it all over his e-collar, too, which suddenly gave an entirely new and more profound meaning to the term “cone of shame,” as while there’s very little dignity in wearing an inverted dunce cap around your neck, there’s simply no dignity whatsoever in wearing one that’s been smeared in shit.

Particularly if it’s your own.

Don’t worry. Caroline and I are still married. I didn’t leave her for her colossal FAIL in allowing this situation to occur. You know, given that she’d taken him out an hour or two prior. And she didn’t leave me on account of my “dumbass dog” creating such a, um, stink.

To help you fully appreciate the situation, I thought it’d be handy to provide the following list of the logistics from that point, as well as some thoughts that occurred to me as I negotiated those logistics.

1) Unless I wanted paw-shaped shit stamps all over our carpet, Briggs had to be carried outside.

2) Briggs’ body was caked in shit.

3) If you do the math real quick, you’ll understand why I took off my shirt to carry him.

4) And why I dry heaved twice along the way.

5) Briggs’ crate was peppered with his robust effort.

6) Never underestimate the usefulness of Clorox Wipes.

7) Or a hose.

8. ) Even so, Operation Crate Clean Up required complete disassembly of said crate for those stubborn, hard-to-reach corners.

9) Once the crate was clean, there was still the matter of my dog.

10) Did I mention that Briggs isn’t allowed to get the staples in his leg wet?

11) It’s hard to sponge bath a gimpy dog whose strapped to your bumper and hopped up on pain meds.

12) Harder, still, to look cool while doing it.

13) Yet not as hard as unstrapping the cone of shame without touching any part of the murky saliva/shit combo that rolls about within.

14) Once all that was done, there was still the matter of the carpet in our room — specifically that area which served as the perimeter of the crate.

15) Though we did all we could that night, we relied upon carpet-cleaning professionals to officially remedy the situation.

16) The entire episode took nearly four hours to resolve (not counting the professional carpet cleaning part which went down this past weekend while we were away on a family camping trip).

17) Which means I saw ZERO of the Celtics-Sixers game.

18) We (obviously) threw away any rag that had anything to do with the matter.

19) Our rag collection has been reduced by two-thirds of the pre-shit-debacle number.

20) Remember this tale (no pun intended) the next time you think you’re having a shitty day (pun intended and it was a really, really bad one).

21) I’m so sorry for this post.

22) Poor Briggs. We can’t wait for him to get back to his good old self.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Ddobel

    Cackling with laughter here in CA…I’m sure that’s not what you were doing a few days ago.  Thank you for the entertainment.

    • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

      Ddobel — you know, it took a while, but by the end, C and i did get a pretty good chuckle out of it. love me some CA — haven’t been in way too long. glad i made someone in that fine state get a chuckle or two. thanks for the comment!

  • Anonymous

    I’m applauding professional carpet cleaners! Poor Briggs. Did you take Briggs camping with you? I understand sh~~~~ing in the woods, also done by bears, is not as smelly or gross. 

    • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

      absolutely. gotta call in the professionals when you’re in over your head. and no, Briggs is in no shape to camp. he’s still confined to his crate and not allowed to really put any weight on his leg, etc… though, he certainly could have been free to engage in any and all bathroom exploits…

  • Robin

    Good news, Celtics won and you can watch more of them this week against Miami! :) 

    • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

      robin — i know! i watched them last night. they’re kinda my team. i’ve always liked Allen and KG. plus, Rhondo played at Kentucky, so being an SEC guy, i’ve kinda been on him for a bit. they’ll have their work cut out for them against the Heat, though.

      • Robin

         “they’ll have their work cut out for them against the Heat”  That’s an understatement. :) My husband and I live in NH not far from Boston and are going to Game 3 Friday night. Sure hoping they win tonight and Friday we can celebrate another win. Rondo is my favorite player; I’ll be wearing his number and cheering loud Friday. Not liking the flack he’s taking on sports radio around here, hopefully he can put to shame all the reporters and kick some Heat butt!

        • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

          so, wow. super impressed w/ how up to speed you are, right down to the smack rondo most certainly should NOT have unleashed. and i love that kid’s game. he’s so fun to watch. we’ll see what’s up tonight, i suspect. they need to get Allen into the swing of things, but those ankles might just be on borrowed time. even so, i expect a great effort out of them as they’re a great team. i’m jealous of your Friday night plans. I’ll be pulling for them tonight so that you and your husband get a chance to see the Celtics gain home court advantage in Game 3!

  • http://fathermuskrat.com/ muskrat

    I’m so sorry for your loss.  Of dignity. 

    • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

      i knew i could count on you.

  • Kristin

    It may have been a bad idea for me to read this while eating breakfast.  But I only gagged once or twice.  After that the problem was that I was nearly choked on my breakfast due to laughter.  Classic, JCO.  Totally classic.

    • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

      ha ha! love it. thanks for reading. and, yeah, so sorry i went on that tangent. good to hear from you, Kristin!