Philips Norelco: Men’s Grooming, Birth Control or Both?

The following post is sponsored by Philips Norelco, which provided me with two products for review and also compensated me for my time. The following post is also proof that it’s always best to have an extra layer of protection if you’re prone to, oh, I dunno, having like 15 kids. All opinions expressed are 100% mine.

I know. You think that Philips Norelco is a highly esteemed manufacturer of men’s grooming products. A lot of people do. But I’m pretty sure they’re dabbling in the birth control industry.

And I’m no stranger to birth control, you know, what with my recent vasectomy and all. Not the most pleasant thing in the world. I mean, there’s the procedure itself, which is pretty intense. Then there’s the whole sitting-on-a-bag-of-frozen-peas deal as you watch a marathon of horrendous movies while hopped up on enough opiates to somehow make you cry at the end of Home Alone. (What? It’s a tender reunion between an abandoned, vulnerable little boy and the mother who never meant to leave him.)

And don’t even get me started on the sample-check deal. You know about that, right? When you have to bring back a plastic container filled with a sample of your, you know, to make sure that the procedure worked? Talk about an esteem crusher. Seriously, how’s that supposed to go down?

I mean, if you simply carry the “sample” in your hands, you feel like some kind of freak. Brown-bagging it seems a bit prohibition-y for my taste. And if you transport it in a small cooler, you run the risk of coming off like a cryogenics enthusiast.

And it’s not like you can just drop it off without saying a word before heading directly to your therapist’s office. NO. That’d be way too prudent rude, which means, like it or not, you’re in for an impossibly awkward conversation.

Seriously, what are you supposed to say? Hi there. I’ve ejaculated into this small plastic container per your request. So whaddya say, Puddin’? Is this cowboy shooting blanks, or no? I usually handle awkward moments with humor, but try as I did, I just couldn’t bring myself to point to the plastic container and ask Has one of your clients ever filled this damn thing up?

Yeah, talk about a maze of therapy-inducing scenarios. Even so, yours truly negotiated said maze and came out on the other side (relatively) unscathed. And now Philips Norelco is rendering that hard work absolutely useless, at least for the next little while, as they’ve asked me to grow a beard in honor of the Stanley Cup playoffs. And I look like an idiot with a beard. It’s just not me. Kinda like if Caillou ever tried to go all Billy Badass or something.

Caroline hates it. And who can blame her. I mean, ladies, how would you like it if your man grew a beard that looked like a random assortment of bristly-ass and splotchy possum hairs on his face? Did I mention that virtually every bit of it is gray? So not only do I look like a dork, but a much older dork at that.

If you do the math real quick, you know what you get? ZERO. Which is the exact chance I stand of getting lucky with my wife while rocking this possum-on-chemo look. Which, in turn, is why I contend that Philips Norelco is doubling as a birth-control manufacturer.

But they also make men’s grooming products. And I know this for a fact because they’ve sent me their Vacuum Stubble and Beard Trimmer Pro designed specifically for possums folks like me who can’t go all Grizzly Adams out of nowhere.

You know who can go all Grizzly Adams out of nowhere? NHL players. And many of them are doing just that right now during the post season. The NHL hockey playoff beard is an extremely cool tradition. I love how so many fans follow suit by saying no to the blade and growing a beard of their own which they’ll sport until their team finally loses. My team, the Predators, are already out (nice run, though – GO PREDS!) but I’ll be growing my beard, anyway, thanks to this campaign, and I won’t shave it off until Lord Stanley’s Cup is finally claimed.

So if you or a friend / boyfriend / husband is in the same playoff-beard boat, I’ve got a tip for you. (NO! I won’t tell you how I handled the drop-off conversation. I’m pretty sure I blocked it out, anyway…) Say no to the blade and go out and get a Philips Norelco Vacuum Stubble and Beard Trimmer so you can shape your beard up in style while you watch your team skate to a championship.

Quick footnote – Caroline, out of nowhere, is following the Stanley Cup playoffs. Turns out she’s hoping every series is a sweep so my beard gets shaved sooner rather than later.

Well, honey, I hate to burst your bubble, but the Finals don’t even start until May 30, and there’s not been a Finals sweep since 98. So you might be stuck with this thing for a while.

Good thing I’ve got that beard trimmer, because all in all? I’m actually looking pretty tight, y’all. (For a sick possum.) It’s easy to use, and has several different settings which make it easy to dial back the length to a point where I can force it to grow more evenly. I’ll be sure to provide photographic evidence of my beard as the playoffs draw to a close. I need a bit more time for this thing to come in before I’m ready to go public!

Special thanks to Philips Norelco for this fun opportunity!

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

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  • Dan Anderson

    You’re a funny guy JCO. I would even say that some types of beards are more effective than others at turning off the ladies. Who would sleep with a guy that has a soul patch?

    I’ve had several Norelco razors over the years and love their products. It is nice to see that you’re working with them. Just don’t write an article about shaving your back and scare them off.

    • John Cave Osborne

      thanks, Dan! like you, i have a high opinion of Norelco. sadly, i have no back hair to scare anyone off with.

  • Jeannie Baringer

    I was sitting here all unsuspecting reading this post of yours and I laughed so hard I spit my coffee out my nose! I came to your blogg through “Hand Made Charlotte” and I will definitely look in on you in the mornings with my coffee for a good laugh! Thank you for helping me start my day off right!
    Jeannie Baringer

    • John Cave Osborne

      Jeannie — i meant to respond to your comment, but just realized i never did! thank you for stopping by and hope to see you around here again, soon, my friend. (and sorry about the coffee/nose thing.)

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