All I Want For Christmas is to Lose This ‘Stache

See that picture above? It’s what I look like. Normally, that is. And while I’m certainly not saying that I’m the most handsome man in the world, I am saying this: I look a hell of a lot better in that picture than I do right now. For right now, I’m typing this post with what I belive to be the most deplorable moustache of all time. And if you’d like to see it, all you gotta do is click “read more.”

But before I show you the money, let me just remind you why I agreed to grow this pathetic thing: to help raise money to fight prostate and testicular cancer via a philanthropic movement known as Movember. I’m part of a team assembled by Doug French and I’m happy to say that we’ve raised over $15,000 and thanks to a corporate sponsor that I’ll blog about tomorrow, that amount will be doubled to over $30,000!

It’s not too late for you to chip in. Many of you already have, but if not, please consider doing so by clicking on this link then clicking on the “donate to me” icon where you’ll be asked for your credit card information. NO AMOUNT IS TOO SMALL!

But you know what is too small right now? My esteem. Hard to feel good about yourself when you look like the illegitimate lovechild of John Cleese and Adolph Hitler.

Or when your wife continuously calls you moustache man.

Or when your kids beg you each and every day to “shave that thing off.” Except for one guy — shout out to Jack. OH, and Grand Finale, too, but then again, he can’t really speak yet. But if he could, I suspect he’d side with the majority within the household (me included) who feel this womb broom is flat-out reproachable.

As I recently stated in a Facebook post: if there’s a worse look, then I’m unaware of it. Oh well. Such is the plight of the philanthropic, I suppose.

SO, without further ado, here’s photographic proof. And, again, while you’re lauging, please consider donating, okay? So, once again, here’s THE LINK! And for those of you who are wondering why I’m not smiling, kindly answer me this: would you be smiling if YOU looked like this?


Here’s to December 1st, y’all, which just so happens to be the date of my vasectomy.

Sounds like a busy day of, um, shaving to me…

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Patrick (yeah, that one)

    That’s not at all a bad ‘stache.  You could be on any 70’s TV show like Emergency! or Hawaii Five-O and be proud to have that ‘stache!

    By the way, you might update your “About me” blurb to indicate that Grand Finale is no longer due in July. :-p  Heck, your wife is probably already back to her pre-pregnancy fitness and weight.  Lucky dog. :-)

    • John Cave Osborne

      i do need to update that. and, yeah, she’s been back there for a while. (and no argument on the lucky dog!) we need to get together sometime soon for another lunch…

      • Patrick (yeah, that one)

        Amen to that brother!  Tell me when you have time (HA!) and we’ll do a lunch. :-)

  • Julia Roberts

    It’s a good one. Still a little creepy, but good!

    • John Cave Osborne

      and with that, you’ve somehow given me a sweet little compliment!

  • muskrat

    I think it looks damn good.  *stifles laughter*

    • John Cave Osborne

      your looked damn good, too. *does not stifle laughter*

  • GreenInOC

    Actually, I think with your MO’stache you look like Kevin Kline!

    • John Cave Osborne

      HELL YES. *that’s* what i’m talkin’ about. thanks for the comment!

  • Home and Uncool

    I’m not sure that new razor Norelco sent you was intended for shaving, um, in the Nether Regions.

    • John Cave Osborne

      HA! a theme i wasn’t afraid to tap into w/ my video. this was a fun month, don’t you think?

  • R_Mattocks

    Dude, there’s a lot of grey in the that thing. 

    • John Cave Osborne

      it’s called sophistication, bro. ballsy-ass sophistication.

  • unknownmami

    I don’t know, if you keep it you might have a career in 70’s porn. Not that I’ve seen any, I’ve just heard.

    • John Cave Osborne

      wow. i dunno. if i start making cameos in 70s porn, i think i might need to borrow your bag!