Man Updates Facebook Status While Holding Woman Hostage

Dude. Would this not make the most awesome profile pic ever?   Image: deltaMike via Creative Commons

You know what I absolutely cannot stand? When I’m totally engaged in a felonious activity only to realize that my dumb ass has run off and left my smartphone in the car. Nothing, I mean nothing, annoys me quite like that. Because how else would I keep all my buddies up to speed on my nefarious activities? Sure, they could wait for the 6 o’clock news, or whatever, but that’s so 2004.

Just ask Jason Valdez. He knows. Because he’s the 36-year-old man who updated his Facebook status multiple times inside a Salt Lake City hotel room during a 16-hour standoff with authorities while holding a woman hostage.

Not that I blame him. Because if we’re being honest, I think we’d all admit that those standoff-with-the-police deals can get a touch tedious. But if you’ve got your phone, you can kill all kinds of time by checking your Twitter stream, rocking a blog post or two, and, of course, by updating your FB profile which Valdez managed to do six times. He even picked up a dozen new Facebook friends along the way—not too shabby for the social-media-savvy multi tasker.

My favorite of his status updates was a picture of himself alongside his hostage. Check that, two pictures—one in which he sports a white hat followed by one without it. It seems as if he knew his hostage as he refers to her by name in one of his updates (as does at least one of his commenters) and she also appeared calm in both pictures.

Many friends clicked “like” on his updates. Others chimed in with wonderful words of support, like: “Jdogg I Love Your Ass Nigguh!!” and “Its an honor to call u my homie love and respect.” No word on whether or not anyone “poked” him, but I’m guessing not. After all, you don’t go around pokin’ someone with a gun.

The ordeal ended when a SWAT team stormed his room at approximately 9:05 am Saturday morning, roughly 90 minutes after his last status update. Police never fired, but Valdez reportedly shot himself in the chest with a handgun. His condition was listed as critical. Thankfully, Valdez’s hostage was unharmed.

Police are still trying to decide whether or not to charge some of the commenters with obstruction of justice, as at least one of them told Valdez to “stay low” in light of a gunner who was hiding in the bushes outside the hotel.

You know all this is true because there’s no way I could make it up. I first read about it over on Gawker which credited the AP in their story. Valdez’s updates on still visible on his Facebook page.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Juli Westgate

    Wow. I just spent about 10 minutes reading through the comments. He updated his status, replied to comments, accepted a bunch of new friend requests and shot himself in the chest while allegedly holding a woman hostage. This guy deserves the Multi-Tasker of the Hood 2011 Award in my book. 

    • John Cave Osborne

      sorry this took a while for me to respond to, but YES, that guy was doing some serious multi-tasking. the big thing in my book was that, as you mentioned, while he was doing all of this, he was picking up new friends along the way. stunning, really!

  • The Daily Huxtable

    In reading his posts and the comments, I found this whole incident very depressing,  their spelling and grammar are horrendous…I mean, doz no won spel chk dez dayz?!

    • John Cave Osborne

      that whole deal was depressing and nothing can get a guy down like reading such preposterous grammar which comprise platitudes such as “it’s such an honor to call you a homey.”

  • Eric D. Bolton

    I’ve been trying to get more than 6 comments on my Facebook status for years..   Obviously I’ve been going at it the wrong way.

    • John Cave Osborne

      i’m so late in replying to this, but i simply had to at least jot down this sentence to tell you how exceedingly clever your comment was!

  • Diabeticmommy

    Why is it the media thinks it is here in Salt Lake City, when really in truly it was an hour north of here in a city called Ogden.