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Top 10 Anthony Weiner Headlines I’ve Yet to Read

June 13, 2011 By john cave osborne 21 Comments

The congressman knows what the photographer of these hotdogs knew. If you take the picture from below, your wieners will look bigger.

Seriously, y’all. This stuff writes itself. So why isn’t anyone writing them? Or maybe they are, and I’m just not reading them. Thus far, Gawker’s had the best Weiner headline that I’ve seen a la Can Weiner Keep it Up. And while it was good enough to draw an audible chuckle, it could have been so much better. So tell me, why haven’t the Weiner headlines been off-the-hook funny?

WE DESERVE FUNNIER WEINER HEADLINES, DAMN IT.

So I’ve taken the liberty of writing the 10 best Weiner headlines I could, um, muster up. Now, please keep two things in mind. I possess the maturity of a super immature 15-year-old. And, I’m not saying that these haven’t been written. For all I know, they have been, but if, indeed they have, I’ve not seen them, so please forgive me if I end up coming up with a derivation of something that’s already out there.

Now, without further ado, here are the 10 best Anthoney Weiner headlines I’ve yet to read:

10. Congressman Won’t Step Down: Refuses to Make His Constituents Carry On with Their Weiner Out
9. Democrats Try to Save Face By Slapping Weiner Around
8. Pelosi Wants to Rid Party of Weiner?
7. Demeanor of Weiner is Meaner and Meaner (they can’t all be tallywacker jokes, can they?)
6. Congressman Seeks Help: But How Should Weiner be Handled?
5. Weiner Caught Filabustering (I’m not even sure what that means, but I like it and I’m sticking with it.)
4. Weiner’s Head Held High, Refuses to Bow Down
3. Will Scandal Be Downfall of Congressman or Can Weiner Rise to the Occasion?
2. Wife Apparently Standing Behind Weiner
1. Weiner Limps off to Treatment Facility

Okay. How’d I do? Do you have any, um, solid Weiner jokes of your own? I’d love to hear them. And if you want more, um, Weiner, check out this collection of funny Weiner headlines.

Photos: Wikipedia

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a freelance writer whose work has appeared on such sites as Babble, YahooShine and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their four children in Knoxville, TN and are expecting their fifth child, Grande Finale Osborne, in July.

  • http://www.pjmullen.com/ PJ Mullen

    “Weiner shakes off criticism”
    “Calls for Weiner to Resign Erupt”
    “In Scandal, Weiner’s Wife Gets the  Shaft”

  • Anonymous

    well played. how about “Weiner’s In For Hard Times”?

  • http://clarkkentslunchbox.blogspot.com/ R_Mattocks

    Classic. This even had my dad laughing! 

  • http://www.loulousviews.com Loukia

    Ha! These are all very clever!

  • Anonymous

    Loukia! thank you.

  • Anonymous

    glad to hear it, bro. hope all is well w/ you and your boys and everyone else, too.

  • http://fathermuskrat.com/ muskrat

    How about “Congressman Weiner Takes Picture of Dick, Sends it to Girls Online, and then Lies!”

    See how I did that? 

  • Nubian

    Brilliant.  Love them all.

  • Anonymous

    I hail your Weinerness! Very Funny! 

  • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

    quite clever. Frankly Weiner’s Made a Mess

    Weiner Unloads on Pelosi

  • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

    Nubian! thank you for stopping by not to mention taking the time to jot down your nice compliment. Wiener’s Made a Mess

  • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

    @surprisedmom—you rock. thank you. sad, isn’t it, that i spent time coming up w/ Weiner headlines? in my defense, it thought of them all while running. hope you’re well!

  • http://www.pjmullen.com/ PJ Mullen

    I guess we can add this one now that he’s reportedly resigning – “Weiner pulls out”

  • http://johncaveosborne.com John Cave Osborne

    i’d go with Weiner Pulls Out With What Looks to Be Egg on His Face

  • LJ5674

    Weiner is finally stepping down, how about this one: “Weiner: I’m pulling out”

  • http://www.johncaveosborne.com/2011/06/16/10-funny-weiner-resignation-headlines/ 10 Funny Weiner Resignation Headlines

    [...] on the other hand, I’m quite sad. Because I so enjoyed making Weiner jokes. So in honor of the press conference he’s about to call, I pay homage to the biggest wiener I [...]

  • Loglodge

    Beohner says “Wiener not up to the job”.

  • Loglodge

    Weiner pulls out, can’t believe the mess he’s made.

  • Kdvoss

    Weiner calls it quits

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brian-Fitzgerald/1134348646 Brian Fitzgerald

    I’m waiting for his comeback (no pun intended there…)
    “Leaner, Meaner Weiner Says, ‘Neener, Neener’.”

    Until then…
    “Weiner- Once So Big, Now Disappearing.”
    “Obama Beats Weiner.” (ok, that one’s not mine…)
    “Constituents Begged Weiner Not to Pull Out, Now Left Unsatisfied.”
    “Situation Too Hairy For Weiner.”
    “Twitter Litter Made Us Bitter, Now Weiner-Free Congress to be Much Fitter.”
    “Oversexed Weiner Falls Flat.”
    “Weiner: Turn the Other Cheek!”
    “Weiner Taking His Ball and Going Home.”
    “Tony Says, Baloney, You’re Just Moaney-Groaney!”
    “Weiner Lovers Left Empty.”
    “Abused Weiner Deflated.”
    “Weiner Caught in the Act.”
    “Weiner Lost His Head, Now Job Is Done.”
    “Pelosi Not a Fan of Weiner.”

  • http://www.johncaveosborne.com/2011/06/23/pop-songs-written-toddlers-potty-training-edition/ If Pop Songs Were Written For Toddlers: The Potty Training Edition

    [...] Okay. So we’re sorta rockin’ potty jokes today. Better than Weiner jokes, I suppose. Hope TLC doesn’t mind! Oh well. Too late now, I suppose, because I went ahead and [...]