Sex, Lies and Weiner’s Debate

So, aside from being a dead ringer for Arnold Horshack, it turns out that Anthony Weiner is also one whale of a sexter. Aggressive. The real deal. Of course, when the now infamous Twit pic first surfaced, Weiner pretended like he wasn’t the real deal, instead insisting that his Twitter account had been hacked by someone who was simply making a play on his last name. It stands to reason that this was the only time in the guy’s entire life that he was actually stoked to have the last name Weiner, you know, to lend at least a shred of potential credibility to his claim. And the rest of us should just be happy that he wasn’t born Anthony Ball because God only knows what type of photo “the hacker” would have taken to make a play on that one. Regardless, the defiant congressman has refused to step down. After all, that would force his constituents to somehow carry on with their Weiner out. And, well, most folks aren’t into that kinda stuff.

Anyway, all this Weiner talk got me thinking of two other philandering ding dongs—Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edwards, which, in turn, got me thinking about how interesting it would be if the three of them were ever to grab a beer together. You know, to talk shop and all. In my warped mind, here’s how such an outing might go:

Edwards: “So Arnold, you actually had sex with a household employee? That’s crazy. I mean, I would never do that. Weren’t you nervous about getting caught?”

Schwarzenegger: “Well, sure I was. But that never really stopped me.”

Edwards: “What would you have said to your mistress if, say, you heard Maria walking down the hallway?”

Schwarzenegger: “I probably would have gone with ‘I’ll be back.’ ”

Did you hear that? I must go see if that was her. I'll be back.

Edwards: “Touche. Still, pretty bold stuff, Governor.”

Schwarzenegger: “Look who’s talking. At least I came clean once my love child was discovered. You just kept on lying.”

Edwards: “What did you want me to do? I was in the middle of an election and had a cancer-stricken wife who was also a media darling, thank you very much. There was no way I could have fessed up at that point. So I did what I had to do to keep it quiet.”

Schwarzenegger: “You mean by diverting campaign funds to keep your affair and lovechild a secret?”

Edwards: “I didn’t say that.”

Schwarzenegger: “No, you didn’t. But everyone knows what happened. And now that everything’s out in the open, wouldn’t it just be better to admit you knew about the payments? If you don’t, this thing might end up in court. Wouldn’t you feel bad about costing the taxpayers millions of dollars for such a trial?”

Edwards: “Arnold, I cheated on a wife who was DYING OF CANCER, then lied about it in the most public way possible while leveraging her popularity in my quest to become the vice president of this fucking country without so much as blinking an eye. Do you actually think I have a conscience? Do you really believe for a second that I’d feel bad about a legal tab that’ll get footed by over 200 million taxpayers? C’mon, Sperminator. Don’t be such a rookie.”

Weiner: “If you ask me, you’re both a coupla rookies. I mean, hello? You had children out of wedlock. You could have avoided all that by keeping your affairs virtual. Here, check this out.” Weiner reaches under the table to whip something out but appears to be having trouble. “Hang on fellas, zipper’s stuck.”

Schwarzenegger: “Zipper? That better not be what I think it is.”

Weiner: “Relax, Arnold. The zipper on my iPad case. I just want to show you the civilized way to get your rocks off. I did it by sending these lewd-ass pictures of myself to young vapid chicks whom I’ve never met. Like this one,” he concluded while pulling up the infamous shot of his, um, junior congressman filibustering about in a grey pair of Marky Mark boxer briefs.

Schwarzenegger and Edwards double over with laughter.

Weiner: “What?”

Schwarzenegger: “That itty bitty thing poking out of those tight grippers. What in the world is that?”

Weiner: “I’ll give you a clue, Arnold. It’s not a tumor.”

Schwarzenegger: “That’s my line.” Arnold grabs the iPad and toggles to the next pic. “Hey, nice pecks.”

Weiner: “Thanks, man. Note the manscaping, too. Nice touch, no?”


Images: Wikipedia

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Terry Bennie


    • Anonymous

      thanks, buddy! sadly, i really do think that Arnold is the most noble among them in that once it was out, he made no bones about it. i hope that Weiner steps down. as far as Edwards goes? there are no words to describe my disgust for him and his actions…

  • Seattledad

    I was wondering what all the weiner talk was about.  Now thanks to Arny and JE I am informed.