An Aggressive Nesting Initiative Leads to Some Conservative Mounting


Caroline's been on a huge nesting bender.

So Caroline’s been on this huge nesting bender. In fact, I dare say it’s the nesting bender of all nesting benders. Because not only are we preparing for child number five (Grand Finale Osborne), but we’re also moving into our house.

That’s right. Moving into our house. The one we’ve been living in for nearly four years now. Because just 12 hours after we originally moved in? Caroline was put on hospitalized bed rest for what ended up totaling 11 weeks. Suffice it to say that during that time, very little got accomplished. Then, of course, the tiny trio came on the scene and, well, we haven’t been the same ever since.

Which is why it feels like we never officially moved in. At least not like we would have under “normal” circumstances. But Caroline’s aggressive nesting initiative is changing all that.

I wrote about it over at Babble a while back if you wanna check it out, but, long story short, this is essentially what went down: We moved Kirby into the boys’ room and the boys into the playroom and the playroom down to the basement. We also got a new bed for Alli and broke down her old bunk bed and moved both units into the boys’ room where they now reside, albeit without their erstwhile bunk status. Kirby now sleeps in a bed we recently got out of storage that used to belong to Caroline when she was a little girl. Kirby’s old room? It’s now Grand Finale’s nursery, complete with the day bed that used to be in the boys’ old room and a crib that used to be Sam’s.

Confused? Me, too. But when the dust finally settled, three of our four children were sleeping in different rooms and all four of them on new beds. It shouldn’t take a math major to figure out that Caroline was the driving force behind it all, which, when you think about it, means that my wife’s been involved with more sleeping arrangements than Heidi Fleiss.

Ooh. Hooker metaphors involving your pregnant wife are probably a bad call.

So let’s just go back to saying that Caroline’s on a nesting bender. But I’m telling you, this is no garden-variety bender, folks. This is an epic bender. Which, when you think about it, kinda makes Caroline the Amy Winehouse of nesting.

How many times do I have to tell you? The crib looks like shit there. Move it. And, by the way, where are my smokes?

Only, unlike Winehouse, Caroline’s husband has never been incarcerated. (Okay, once. But that whole deal was total bullshit. I swear.) Yet I have been on house arrest ever since this bender started. Because pretty much all I ever do these days is execute whatever project Caroline’s concocted. Though by this past weekend, I at least took solace in knowing that the bulk of it was behind me. Until I strolled through the garage on Friday afternoon only to be greeted by this daunting sight:

I'm pretty sure I heard one of those NINE boxes mocking me.

“HONEY!? What are all these boxes?”

“Oh those?” Caroline asked while flipping her wrist. “Just a coupla things I ordered from Pottery Barn to better organize the toys.”

“What’s wrong with our current toy-organiziation deal?”

“Um, it sucks?” Caroline answered.


I think "sucks" is a touch strong, no?

So yours truly got crackin’ on the latest in a long series of projects which have sprung from Caroline’s aggressive nesting initiative. Now, as many of us know, the whole put-it-together-out-of-the-box deal can go either way. Yet I’m happy to report that this one went well. I assembled all nine components of the wall unit in a little over two hours. The last one? It only took me seven minutes, thank you very much. And the end result was, indeed, much better.

Yet, I still wasn’t done. Not by a long shot. For there remained the task of mounting the unit to the wall such that it would never topple over on one of our tiny trio, or Grand Finale, for that matter.

“Don’t you feel good about all of this?” asked Jill, one of my wife’s friends who had lent a hand with the mounting.

“What? Putting all that together?”

“Yeah. And the mounting, too. Don’t you feel good about that?”

Just then Caroline walked by, her swollen belly attesting to the 31 weeks of pregnancy she’s already endured.

“You know, Jill, I really do,” I began as I pointed to my wife. “Because, I gotta say, it’s been quite some time since I’ve mounted anything.”

“You’re a jackass,” Caroline said nonchalantly and without breaking stride as she made her way into another room.

“Oh, c’mon girl,” I said following her. “That train left the station at week 24 and you know it.”

Regardless, at least this latest project of the aggressive nesting initiative had a, um, happy ending.

Oh, I mounted it alright.

Amy Winehouse image courtesy of Wikipedia

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • R_Mattocks

    “it’s been a while since you’ve mounted anything…”  Dude, you like living on the edge. 

    The wall unit looks nice. You know my concept of hell is an eternity of assembly furniture with the wrong size screw driver and one bolt missing.

    • Anonymous

      really? b/c my concept of hell is to be told i’ll never mount again. which is precisely what will happen if i keep writing jokes about not mounting Caroline.

  • muskrat

    I like to find a guy standing on I-20 with his pants half down and invite him to help with projects like  this.  You’re handier and manlier than that.  Or, you don’t have the benefit of living close to I-20. 

    • Anonymous

      dude. surely you can put together one of those? not that i’m doubting your ability to chase a half naked dude down on I-20.

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  • Anonymous

    I like your Caroline. I really do. Did you really say “Because it’s been quite some time since I mounted anything?” Did you really? I’m surprised your wife just called you a jackass.  I was a little bit more hormonal at 31 weeks.

    Glad to see you’re flexing those muscles and building and mounting and doing all those wonderful projects your wife is assigning you.

    • Anonymous

      @surprised mom—sadly, i truly did. C and I have a very flirty-flirty, jokey-jokey relationship. spicy, if you will. so i said it only to get a rise out of her. she’s immune to me by now and that’s why she’s able to zip on by only calling me a jackass. she’s classic and i don’t deserve her.

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