You Say Cicada, I Say Secada

Cicada, Secada. Cicada, Secada.

Have you heard the news? Cicadas are back. I know. You hear them every summer, right? But this year, if you happen to live in the southeast, you’re really gonna hear them because the periodic cicada will be amongst us for the first time in a long time. And according to my buddy Meredith over at Babble, the little buggers will be out in full force, as she reports that they’ll number as many 1.5 million per acre.

So, is it just me, or does the imminent arrival of the periodic cicada conjure up images of Latino heartthrob and erstwhile pop sensation, Jon Secada? You remember him, don’t you? He’s pictured above opposite his near namesake. Here’s another pic, just in case.

If you think this is a bad look, you’re wrong.

See? I knew you’d remember him. He’s the guy who broke onto the scene in the early 90s with his monster hit Just Another Day (as if I had to tell you). The video? It was EPIC. The forlorn Casanova shows his emotional vulnerability by unabashedly singing about love lost as he walks aimlessly down a lonely beach, his unbuttoned white satin shirt blowing seductively in the wind allowing but the faintest glimpse of his toned, taut, hairless pecks—a tanned spectacle which contrasts brilliantly with his super-tight acid wash jeans (complete with the requisite knee hole, thank you very much).

You say cicada, my friends, but I say Secada. And as I do, I cannot help but recognize the undeniable similarities between the two. As I already mentioned, the periodic cicadas are back. And it’s been quite sometime since we’ve heard from them. Thirteen years to be exact. Jon Secada? Similar situation. No one’s heard a peep from that fucker in nearly 20.

Cicadas are famous for making noise. Same thing for Secada. But what’s more, the noise cicadas emit? They come from the male of the species a la their mating call. That’s right. Like Secada, their singing gets them laid.

And though, to many, the sound of cicadas is synonymous with summer, their droning can certainly get annoying with prolonged exposure. Secada? Same deal. At least the annoying part.

So you see, cicadas and Secada really do have a lot in common. But, to be fair, they also have a few differences, too.

For example, cicadas don’t like the rain. In fact, a good downpour on a hot summer night is about the only thing that can shut those little guys up. But you give Jon Secada a little rain and it’ll only make the love-starved Latino sing even louder.

This Secada likes to sing in the rain.

Also, cicadas are constantly confused with locusts. Jon Secada? Not as much. They’re easy to tell apart because videos of locusts aren’t oozing with tacit yet palpable homoerotica.

I won't sit here and tell you that I don't find Jon Secada attractive. Because I do.

That’s not to say that Secada hasn’t ever been misidentified. I’m pretty sure he’s often confused with Rick Astley.

Rick Astley: a poor man's Jon Secada.

Which is bullshit. Because Secada’s head and shoulders above Astley. Plus, I bet he could totally kick Astley’s ass in, say, a mud wrestling match, or something of the like. Even if exercising such a whooping might leave the lyrics to Never Gonna Give You Up stuck in his head.

But by now, I’m off the beaten trail. For this post isn’t about how much more of a man Secada is than Astley. This is a post about cicadas and how their imminent arrival has reminded me of Secada. Which, in turn, led me on a disturbing 72-hour Jon Secada bender that has me mildly concerned and my wife contemplating divorce.

Which, paradoxically, could leave me wandering aimlessly on a beach near you, clad only in a white satin shirt and acid wash jeans, signing forlornly about love lost.

So I’d better get my shit together before this goes any further. Because I’m pretty sure no one wants to see that.

Cicada Image: YouTube still
Secada Images: YouTube still
Rick Astley Image: YouTube still

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Juli Westgate

    OMG, too funny! I will never look at a
    Cicada the same way again. At least not without having that Jon Secada song stuck in my head. The Rick Astley comparison was just cruel. That voice (Astley’s) could no way have come out of that awkward little red-headed fellow who looked like a nautical clothing themed model from the boy’s section of an old JC Penny catalog.

    • Anonymous

      Astley looks like “a nautical clothing themed model from the boy’s section of an old JC Penny catalog”?

      indeed he does. brilliant, my friend.

  • PJ Mullen

    If you listen really closely to the cicadas in the middle of the night you can hear “Just Another Day”. It’s beautiful man :)

    • Anonymous

      i wish i could think of something clever to say to that…

      but i can’t. because that one pretty much stands on its own.

  • Heather Reyda

    because of you mr. jco, i will refer to them as Secadas all.summer.long. and every time someone corrects me? i will giggle uncontrollably. it is the smallest things(like annoying people) that lift my spirit the most!

    • Anonymous

      small things, like cicadas, too, no?

  • muskrat

    I definitely remember these guys 26 years ago, but oddly enough, don’t really remember the ones from 13 years ago.  Maybe because I spent a lot of 1998 in north TX, where these little buggers get shot.

    As for Secada? It hurts me to see you spread your man crushes so thin.  I don’t like competition.

    • Anonymous

      i’m sorry, bro, but there is *no* competition. Secada? he’s outta your league.

  • R_Mattocks

     I am embarrassed to admit to having a  Jon Secada album in my younger days. Thought it made me look sensitive to the lady-folk. I didn’t think of the long-term ramifications of how it would make me look in my late 30’s.   Jon Secada album in my younger days. Thought it made me look sensitive to the lady-folk. I didn’t think of the long-term ramifications of how it would make me look in my late 30’s.  

    • Anonymous

      w. stands for wow. (i still love you.)

  • Catherine Connors

    “videos of locusts aren’t oozing with tacit yet palpable homoerotica”

    you’re obviously not watching the right locust videos.

    • Anonymous

      after having read your incredibly well written, insightful and compelling post re: bullying, i’m officially ashamed i wrote this.

  • R_Mattocks

     Somebody’s getting Rick Rolled… just sayin’ 

    • Anonymous

      bring it, bitch. just sayin!

  • Caleb Gardner

     I wouldn’t call Rick Astley a poor man’s John Secada. After all, if Secada had had the balls to tell his woman that he was never gonna give her up, maybe he wouldn’t have spent just another day without her.

    • Anonymous

      caleb, you’re a smart man. excellent meshing of two questionable pop icons.

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  • Anonymous

     Do you think you could bring this whole thing full circle with a post about Grenada tomorrow?

    • Anonymous

      Oooh. And don’t forget about Erik Estrada.

      I’m going to be doing this all night. THANKS.

      • Anonymous

        no problem, man. happy to help. it’s catchy, though, no?

  • Betadad

    I’m proud to say that I totally missed out on the Jon Secada thing.  I was wearing flannel and listening to Nirvana in those days.  Except when I was at raves, where they also didn’t tend to play Secada, or Cicada music.

    I sure remember the cicadas from 26 years ago, which makes me feel incredibly old.  I was living in Virginia, fresh out of high school, and working my first construction job.  Sometimes you couldn’t hear the power tools over all the racket those bugs made.  Sounded like a flying saucer landing.  We would smash those bastards with our framing hammers for sport.