Breaking News: Brett Favre to Retire

What’s this I’m hearing about Brett Favre texting pictures of his, um, helmet to former playboy pinup Jenn Sterger? If she’s to be believed, then Favre makes the sexting DA look like a pimple-faced amateur breathing heavily into the receiver of a rotary-dial telephone. So you mean to tell me that in addition to zipping footballs to his wide receivers, the future Hall of Famer has also been throwing cell-phone pics of his johnson to (buxom brunettes with) tight ends?

And all these years, I thought he was a pocket passer. Boy was I wrong. He’s obviously more of a spread option kinda guy.

Well, on the bright side, it appears as if the object of John Madden’s countless bro-mantic overtures has seen the error of his ways. Because I just heard that Favre is retiring from the ranks of creepy old dudes who text photos of their ding dongs.

That’s right. About an hour ago, Brett Favre officially announced the he’ll never again engage in the act of sexting vapid hotties. He believes. Though it’s hard to say definitively. You know. Never being such a long time and all.

But he’s pretty damn sure he won’t. He thinks. Word has it that he’ll regroup this offseason and talk it over with his family before doing what feels right.

I’ll keep you posted.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Tara R.

    *snort* you had me guessing there for a minute. Too funny!!

  • Chris Singer

    Ha! That’s awesome. Prediction: He’ll be out of said “retirement” before Christmas.

  • Anonymous

    i wonder if the girls on the receiving end had to click the zoom button haha

    • Anonymous

      omg that was funny.

  • DCUrbanDad

    How would you like if you found out your Grandpa sexts. Not pretty is it.

  • SeattleDad

    Was it a ‘Packer’ or a ‘Viking’?

  • Juli Westgate

    I can only imagine the dialogue…
    “Honey, please get the children, we need to have a family discussion.”
    Seriously, did he really say he needed to talk this over with his family before doing what feels right?

  • Sunshinebabies3

    laughed out loud. thanks john.

  • http://LifeofaNewDad otter321

    Surely can’t take any kind of retirement talk from him very seriously. The line “creepy old dudes that text photos of their ding dongs” has me laughing hysterically. Maybe one of my favorite blog lines of all time.