Lindsay Lohan Work Release Program

Lindsay Lohan at Calvin Klein Spring 2007 Fash...

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Li-Lo — courtesy of wikipedia

By now, I’m sure y’all have heard about Lindsay Lohan’s recent setback. Scant weeks removed from a two-week stint in the poky, the troubled starlet suddenly finds herself dangerously close to being locked up yet again after violating her probation by testing positive for cocaine and amphetamines.

(Psst. Lindsay. When you’re on probation, you’re subject to random drug tests and most of ’em screen for stuff like blow.)

She’ll learn her fate on Friday when Judge Eldon Fox will decide whether or not to incarcerate Lohan until her probation violation hearing, which could mean up to thirty days behind bars.

And I for one, have had it. Does she deserve jail time?

um, word? samantha ronson -- courtesy of wikipedia

NO QUESTION. But more for cinematic atrocities such as Herbie: Fully Loaded than for being pathologically vapid. More for publicly flaunting her sexually ambiguous relationship with super-troll Samantha Ronson than for being tragically mis-wired. (By the way, is it just me, or does Samantha look like the illegitimate love child of Julie Andrews and Screech from Saved by the Bell? Hmm. I feel a Fuzzy Math post coming on.)

Besides, as we’ve already seen, jail sentences aren’t effective in rehabilitating Li-Lo. But I think I know something that would be.

A work release program. And I’ve got just the employer. Lovie and me. That’s right. It’s a match made in heaven. Check it out.

We’ve recently parted ways with Miss B, the woman who used to provide full time assistance with the terrible trio. Lovie and I figured that with Monstor, Biggs, and Peanut at preschool two days a week, we’d be good to go. But the road’s been a lot tougher than we had thought, and quite frankly, we could really use the help.

And what better way for someone as lost as Lindsay to get back in touch with the things that matter most than by spending quality time with three adorable toddlers?

Just think of all the fun they could have together. The triplets are learning all the different shapes. Think they wouldn’t love using Lindsay’s ankle monitor to trace circles? I bet she knows how to take it off. If not, they could still draw on it. Just like a cast! A cast for criminals! So neat. And if that got old, they could always play “connect the dots” with Li-Lo’s face freckles. (Hear that, Lindsay? No makeup, girl! Yikes!!)

You know what else the triplets love? NUMBERS! That’s right, they’re starting to count. And I bet ol’ Lindsay could teach them all kinds of numbers by simply reviewing the results of her various breathalyzer tests. Lotta integers contained in those bad boys.

But it’s not just numbers the triplets adore. They really like their letters, too. And they’re starting to learn their ABCs. I bet the field-sobriety-test veteran could lend a helping hand. When it comes to saying ’em backwards, that is!

I know what you’re thinking. So far this sounds like a great deal for the triplets. But what about Lindsay? Don’t worry. I’ve got that covered. In Monster, Biggs, and Peanut, she’ll find friends for life. After all, she’s got tons in common with them. For example, the triplets love to jump. And Lohan loves to (bar) hop. Perfect!

Also, the triplets are fascinated with straws, whether they are part of a fancy sippy cup, or the kind that come with a juice box. I hear Lindsay likes straws, too. Word on the street is she always keeps one in her purse. (The preceding paragraph was inspired by Weasel Momma’s comment.)

And, as Lindsay proved the last time she was in court, she cries whenever she gets in trouble. So do the triplets! I mean seriously, what are the odds? The triplets are only two, and she’s a grown woman!

And it doesn’t matter whether the camera’s rolling or not. Lindsay’s all about the drama, which is funny, because our little guys are pretty dramatic, too. Lot’s of screaming, fussing, crying, and even some biting. And from what I gather, that’s eerily similar to the stuff that goes down during one of Lindsay’s average nights on the town.

And, I suppose, if I’m being completely honest, there is one more thing that they have in common. Both Lindsay and the triplets have dads who ain’t right. But I digress.

Because the focus here shouldn’t be on Li-Lo’s dad, or me for that matter. But rather on her, and more specifically her well being. And I put all kidding aside when I say that spending thirty days with our triplets would do wonders for her. Because I can assure you that if she knew such a fate awaited her the next time she stepped out of line?

There’d be no next time. Because the triplets are tough y’all. Lovie left me all alone with them tonight and they pretty much kicked my ass.

And I’m a trained professional.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Bud B

    Can’t believe it! This girl seems to NOT fully understand that she’s getting more chances than us regular folks. Maybe this time around, her fame has fizzled out and she’ll have to get a real job. Perhaps becoming a court reporter is appropriate since she has plenty of experience in the justice system.

  • Bud B

    Can’t believe it! This girl seems to NOT fully understand that she’s getting more chances than us regular folks. Maybe this time around, her fame has fizzled out and she’ll have to get a real job. Perhaps becoming a court reporter is appropriate since she has plenty of experience in the justice system.

  • Bud B

    Can’t believe it! This girl seems to NOT fully understand that she’s getting more chances than us regular folks. Maybe this time around, her fame has fizzled out and she’ll have to get a real job. Perhaps becoming a court reporter is appropriate since she has plenty of experience in the justice system.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Great rehabilitation for her. The triplets however, not so much. I think being in that sleezeball’s care would keep them in imminent danger constantly and the only thing they would learn in how to trim a McDonald’s straw and stick it u their nose.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Great rehabilitation for her. The triplets however, not so much. I think being in that sleezeball’s care would keep them in imminent danger constantly and the only thing they would learn in how to trim a McDonald’s straw and stick it u their nose.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Great rehabilitation for her. The triplets however, not so much. I think being in that sleezeball’s care would keep them in imminent danger constantly and the only thing they would learn in how to trim a McDonald’s straw and stick it u their nose.

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com melisa with one S

    I’m with Weaselmomma. Before you know it, they’d be wearing ankle bracelets too.

    I hear Paris Hilton’s available, though…

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com melisa with one S

    I’m with Weaselmomma. Before you know it, they’d be wearing ankle bracelets too.

    I hear Paris Hilton’s available, though…

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com melisa with one S

    I’m with Weaselmomma. Before you know it, they’d be wearing ankle bracelets too.

    I hear Paris Hilton’s available, though…

  • http://jugglingeric.blogspot.com Eric

    And when Li-Lo’s work release is up, you can try to get Paris Hilton or Keifer Sutherland.

  • http://jugglingeric.blogspot.com Eric

    And when Li-Lo’s work release is up, you can try to get Paris Hilton or Keifer Sutherland.

  • http://jugglingeric.blogspot.com Eric

    And when Li-Lo’s work release is up, you can try to get Paris Hilton or Keifer Sutherland.

  • TAD

    PLUS- the trips would learn how to make very straight and equidistant lines, learn the Imperial system of weights and measures ( ie: 1/16 g. vs. 8ball), and the pros and cons of being a profesional convict.
    Seems like a win/win situation to me!

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com john cave osborne

      that is seriously one of the funniest comment i’ve ever gotten. so wish i’d thought along those “lines” when writing this post.

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com john cave osborne

      that is seriously one of the funniest comment i’ve ever gotten. so wish i’d thought along those “lines” when writing this post.

  • TAD

    PLUS- the trips would learn how to make very straight and equidistant lines, learn the Imperial system of weights and measures ( ie: 1/16 g. vs. 8ball), and the pros and cons of being a profesional convict.
    Seems like a win/win situation to me!

  • TAD

    PLUS- the trips would learn how to make very straight and equidistant lines, learn the Imperial system of weights and measures ( ie: 1/16 g. vs. 8ball), and the pros and cons of being a profesional convict.
    Seems like a win/win situation to me!

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com john cave osborne

      that is seriously one of the funniest comment i’ve ever gotten. so wish i’d thought along those “lines” when writing this post.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    I hate these stupid celebrities that are famous for nothing. I try not to know what they are doing but you can’t escape it. Maybe we should just ignore them so they will go away. Sorry about that.

    Your plan might work until Lindsey gets jealous because the trips are better actors than her.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    I hate these stupid celebrities that are famous for nothing. I try not to know what they are doing but you can’t escape it. Maybe we should just ignore them so they will go away. Sorry about that.

    Your plan might work until Lindsey gets jealous because the trips are better actors than her.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    I hate these stupid celebrities that are famous for nothing. I try not to know what they are doing but you can’t escape it. Maybe we should just ignore them so they will go away. Sorry about that.

    Your plan might work until Lindsey gets jealous because the trips are better actors than her.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Can you say REALITY TV? They have made hits out of much less palatable stuff.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Can you say REALITY TV? They have made hits out of much less palatable stuff.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Can you say REALITY TV? They have made hits out of much less palatable stuff.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    You’re too funny. I can’t believe you never made the straw connection on your own.

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com john cave osborne

      that’s what i get for writing it in 30 minutes!

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com john cave osborne

      that’s what i get for writing it in 30 minutes!

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    You’re too funny. I can’t believe you never made the straw connection on your own.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    You’re too funny. I can’t believe you never made the straw connection on your own.

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com john cave osborne

      that’s what i get for writing it in 30 minutes!

  • http://www.fathermuskrat.com Muskrat

    I’m pretty sure you’ll turn Lindsey into a full-time lesbian if you do this idea. People joke about it being birth control to introduce toddlers to single people, but triplets? That would totally drive someone to the other team: birth control that’s even stronger than abstinence.

  • http://www.fathermuskrat.com Muskrat

    I’m pretty sure you’ll turn Lindsey into a full-time lesbian if you do this idea. People joke about it being birth control to introduce toddlers to single people, but triplets? That would totally drive someone to the other team: birth control that’s even stronger than abstinence.

  • http://www.fathermuskrat.com Muskrat

    I’m pretty sure you’ll turn Lindsey into a full-time lesbian if you do this idea. People joke about it being birth control to introduce toddlers to single people, but triplets? That would totally drive someone to the other team: birth control that’s even stronger than abstinence.

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    This post really does “rock.” When I read it, I “snorted” out loud with laughter! But you already know I’m a big fan because I told you in ATL that you always “crack” me up.

    These celebrity posts of yours “blow” similar stuff from MomLogic and Babble out of the water! There’s just so many great “lines” worth repeating and I can’t believe it took you only 30 minutes to write it. There’s not a “snow” ball’s chance in hell I can write something like this in 30 minutes.

    :)

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    This post really does “rock.” When I read it, I “snorted” out loud with laughter! But you already know I’m a big fan because I told you in ATL that you always “crack” me up.

    These celebrity posts of yours “blow” similar stuff from MomLogic and Babble out of the water! There’s just so many great “lines” worth repeating and I can’t believe it took you only 30 minutes to write it. There’s not a “snow” ball’s chance in hell I can write something like this in 30 minutes.

    :)

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    This post really does “rock.” When I read it, I “snorted” out loud with laughter! But you already know I’m a big fan because I told you in ATL that you always “crack” me up.

    These celebrity posts of yours “blow” similar stuff from MomLogic and Babble out of the water! There’s just so many great “lines” worth repeating and I can’t believe it took you only 30 minutes to write it. There’s not a “snow” ball’s chance in hell I can write something like this in 30 minutes.

    :)

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    I’d caution you against this idea. Personally, I think you’ll end up regretting the therapy bills (x3 no less) from the trips being exposed to that crack addict.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    I’d caution you against this idea. Personally, I think you’ll end up regretting the therapy bills (x3 no less) from the trips being exposed to that crack addict.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    I’d caution you against this idea. Personally, I think you’ll end up regretting the therapy bills (x3 no less) from the trips being exposed to that crack addict.