Dear Random-Ass Lotto Junkies

Dear Random-Ass Lotto Junkies,

Do you have to scratch off your lotto tickets on the convenient store counter? Hmmm? Do you? Because there’s nothing worse than standing ten deep in a line that’s being held up by one of the many in your pathetic legion. Thankfully, most (if not all) establishments no longer tolerate such behavior. I suspect it’s because ownership finally realized that the spasmodic, wrist-vibrating motion you employ to confirm the wasted status of the dollar you just spent strongly resembles rodent masturbation, which, it turns out, is bad for business.

portrait of two junkies

So what did you clowns do? You took your addiction ten feet away, where you may not be holding up any more lines, but where you are still in clear sight of the convenient store patrons thanks to the glass, outer walls which frame such establishments. It’s there where you now conduct your ugly business atop a foul-smelling waste receptacle.

Hast thou no shame, oh shameful ones?

Forget for a moment that the very sight of you is disturbing. Think, instead, of how unfair it would be for other patrons to follow your very lead. Namely that of consuming their product mere seconds after purchase. It’d be anarchy.

How would you like it if college kids busted out a funnel and started throwing down their beers on the store sidewalk?

You don’t see rolling-paper patrons twisting up a quick doobie atop the door-side garbage can, do you?

The folks who walk out with Tide under their arm don’t bust out a quick load of laundry, do they?

I bet you can’t recall a single time that someone made a parking lot sandwich with the lunchmeat and loaf of bread they just bought, can you?

And speaking of loaves, have you ever seen someone walk out of the store and immediately pinch one just so they could use the Charmin they snagged on aisle three?

And do I even need to ask you about all those who’ve purchased condoms or feminine hygiene products? Because it’s glaringly obvious that in each of these cases, folks have the common decency to wait until the appropriate time before using the product they just purchased.

So why can’t you? Hmmm?

Sincerely,

John Cave Osborne

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Patrick (yeah, that one)

    “How would you like it if college kids busted out a funnel and started throwing down their beers on the store sidewalk?

    You don’t see rolling-paper patrons twisting up a quick doobie atop the door-side garbage can, do you?”

    Haven’t you ever been down to The Strip? Just sayin’.

  • Patrick (yeah, that one)

    “How would you like it if college kids busted out a funnel and started throwing down their beers on the store sidewalk?

    You don’t see rolling-paper patrons twisting up a quick doobie atop the door-side garbage can, do you?”

    Haven’t you ever been down to The Strip? Just sayin’.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    BWAHAHA. This reminds me of my first job in the big city. My friend was so addicted to lottery tickets that he used to send his assistant out twice a day for “itchy” tickets as he liked to call him. At least he didn’t do it in public.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    BWAHAHA. This reminds me of my first job in the big city. My friend was so addicted to lottery tickets that he used to send his assistant out twice a day for “itchy” tickets as he liked to call him. At least he didn’t do it in public.

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    Hmm…Should I feel badly because I am guilty of having done virtually every one of these things.

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    Hmm…Should I feel badly because I am guilty of having done virtually every one of these things.

  • http://jugglingeric.blogspot.com Eric

    I usually get behind Methuselah who is trying to decide if he wants the 30 annual payments or the one lump sum. Then there’s the baptist church lady who parks in the handicapped parking and spends 50 bucks on quick picks.

  • http://jugglingeric.blogspot.com Eric

    I usually get behind Methuselah who is trying to decide if he wants the 30 annual payments or the one lump sum. Then there’s the baptist church lady who parks in the handicapped parking and spends 50 bucks on quick picks.

  • Heather

    The 7-11 by my house is 2 blocks from the beach which harbors more of a party atmosphere. Lots of beer swilling, doobie rolling, and um, relieving of ones self around the side of the building. But sadly no lottery junkies.

    However the diner I used to work at that was located next to a retirement community had a scratcher vending machine that attracted the old folks in droves. There’s nothing more fun than trying to quickly bus a table on a busy day and having to take the extra time to scrape off all the crayon-like shavings that are smashed into the table top. Good times.

  • Heather

    The 7-11 by my house is 2 blocks from the beach which harbors more of a party atmosphere. Lots of beer swilling, doobie rolling, and um, relieving of ones self around the side of the building. But sadly no lottery junkies.

    However the diner I used to work at that was located next to a retirement community had a scratcher vending machine that attracted the old folks in droves. There’s nothing more fun than trying to quickly bus a table on a busy day and having to take the extra time to scrape off all the crayon-like shavings that are smashed into the table top. Good times.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Sometimes I want to crack open a beer as soon as I get out of the store, but I refrain. I’m civilized.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Sometimes I want to crack open a beer as soon as I get out of the store, but I refrain. I’m civilized.

  • http://surprisedmom.blogspot.com SurprisedMom

    Got caught in a line held up by a scratcher, didn’t you?

    This whole post made me bust a gut and I hope you feel better now. I do.

    The guys at the garbage can? Now that’s addiction!

  • http://surprisedmom.blogspot.com SurprisedMom

    Got caught in a line held up by a scratcher, didn’t you?

    This whole post made me bust a gut and I hope you feel better now. I do.

    The guys at the garbage can? Now that’s addiction!

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    I’m afraid to ask, but how exactly do YOU know what a masturbating rodent looks like?

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

      hmmm. i thought pretty much everyone knew what a jackrabbit looks like.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    I’m afraid to ask, but how exactly do YOU know what a masturbating rodent looks like?

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

      hmmm. i thought pretty much everyone knew what a jackrabbit looks like.

  • http://www.scratchoffcodes.com Bill

    That’s just rude. At least wait until you get in your car and then sit there and do it.

  • http://www.scratchoffcodes.com Bill

    That’s just rude. At least wait until you get in your car and then sit there and do it.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    We just got the lottery last year. Many of our low IQ ticket junkies are still figuring this whole thing out. Not good times at the EZ Mart.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    We just got the lottery last year. Many of our low IQ ticket junkies are still figuring this whole thing out. Not good times at the EZ Mart.

  • http://pattiesrants.blogspot.com Pattie

    Thanks for the “rodent masturbation” comment. Best laugh I’ve had all week. :)

    And I agree — who thinks anyone wants to wait in line for the scratchers to get their fix? Rude.

  • http://pattiesrants.blogspot.com Pattie

    Thanks for the “rodent masturbation” comment. Best laugh I’ve had all week. :)

    And I agree — who thinks anyone wants to wait in line for the scratchers to get their fix? Rude.