The Riddle

UPDATE: One of my readers saw fit to ask me a question that had absolutely nothing to do with this post, so check out the comments if you’re so inclined.

I’ve been awfully quiet lately. Suffice it to say that I’ve had a lot on my plate. But don’t give up on me. Soon, I (and my blog) will be back to normal. In the meanwhile, I got something for you.

Pookie is swimming in the city meet today and Lovie is cheering her on which has left yours truly in charge of the terrible trio. And something happened first thing this morning that left me scratching my head.

The scenario: I walked into the boys’ bedroom and was immediately blown away by an unpleasant odor, near certain there was an accident of epic proportions awaiting me. But there wasn’t. At least not one of epic proportions. Just three separate quarter-sized brown spots in three very different locations.

Puzzled, I walked into their bathroom where the scent intensified. B was sitting ON TOP of the vanity, playing in the bathroom sink wearing only a pull-up and tee shirt. A was in the bathroom, too, wearing nothing but a grin. He was proud to tell me that he had gone poo poo in the potty, and as he made this announcement, I noticed a small amount of, um, you know, on his forehead. A thin, brown line. The potty which A had just used? Nothing in it. The mandatory parental wipe I administered? It yielded nothing that would lead me to believe that A had anything to do with the spots on the bedroom carpet.

So my question for you is what happened?

As I washed A‘s face, I couldn’t figure out how his well-executed, and well-contained scatological effort could have rendered such mass destruction. That’s when it hit me. There was one stone which I had left unturned. And that stone was still playing in the vanity sink.

B‘s diaper was a train wreck, containing a preposterous blowout, and was clearly the source of the aforementioned mass destruction.

One riddle solved. Two boys to bathe. And three spots to sanitize. My day had gotten off to a shitty start (sorry), but I didn’t mind.

Pookie is swimming in the city meet today and Lovie is cheering her on which has left yours truly in charge of the terrible trio. And I love taking care of the terrible trio. No matter what.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • http://37paddington.blogspot.com Angella Lister

    ahhh, memories!

  • http://37paddington.blogspot.com Angella Lister

    ahhh, memories!

  • http://readingbarefoot.wordpress.com sahdinlansing

    We play that game too. I call it “Where is that smell” (because we all know what the smell is).

  • http://readingbarefoot.wordpress.com sahdinlansing

    We play that game too. I call it “Where is that smell” (because we all know what the smell is).

  • http://www.thedaddyyoblog.com TheDaddyYoDude

    Ah the joys of being Dad. Gotta love mornings like that. You said it perfect though. No matter what, you love to be with your kids. Awesome stuff!

  • http://www.thedaddyyoblog.com TheDaddyYoDude

    Ah the joys of being Dad. Gotta love mornings like that. You said it perfect though. No matter what, you love to be with your kids. Awesome stuff!

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    Sometimes I am happy that my youngest is 6. 😉

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    Sometimes I am happy that my youngest is 6. 😉

  • Katje

    Not sure if you’ve addressed this before, but I’ve read a few things from you now where your spankings don’t yield any benefit. So can you explain why you do it?

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

      “katje,”

      thank you for reading. i’m big on freedom of speech. so not only did i decide to “approve” your patronizing question, but i’ve also decided to address it in bullet-point format.

      1. i can’t think of more than three posts where i reference spanking.
      2. you wrote: “I’ve read a few things from you now where your spankings don’t yield any benefit. So can you explain why you do it?” sure. but first please let me in on the “few things” of which you speak. b/c i don’t know what you’re talking about.
      3. spanking was not referenced in this post, nor implied. why you brought it up, i’m uncertain.
      4. i do believe in spanking. so do a lot of other people. and there’s a lot of people don’t believe in spanking. i greatly respect that stance, and as such would never go to, say, an AP blog and post the type of agenda-driven question that you just did. at best it’s poor decorum.
      5. not that i owe you any type of explanation, but spanking, for me, is ALWAYS the last resort, a resort that has not been needed in nearly two months. i’ve spanked our triplets a grand total of six times. but i tell you what, if you decide it’s best to call the authorities, i promise to turn myself in by noon tomorrow.
      6. i know many parents who spank and many who do not. i’ve seen varying results within each group and cannot definitively say that spanking does or does not work. it’s up to each parent to employ what works best for him or her. i’d never call anyone out for doing what works best for them, especially by responding to a blog post that never once referenced the topic in question. but if i were to, i would clearly identify myself instead of hiding behind the convenient cloak of anonymity.
      7. your comment was not at all appreciated.
      8. it’s my hope that in the future, you’ll either refrain from making such comments or stop reading my blog altogether.

      have a nice weekend!

    • http://www.mybottlesup.com nic @mybottlesup

      katje,
      there’s something on your forehead that you may want to check out. just thought you’d want to know.

      cheers!

      • Leslie

        New reader (found you from Katie Granju, who I found from Girls Gone Child) here. My guess is this:
        The mandatory parental wipe I administered?

        Instead of reading it as “wiping A’s butt,” which is what I immediately assumed (seeing as you were discussing poop and whatnot. And he thought he had successfully left some in the toilet), the commenter must have assumed that you spanked him? Which makes no sense for several reasons, the most blatantly obvious one being that A hadn’t done anything wrong. But that’s my only guess as to what he/she thinks they are referring to.

        Your kids are pretty darn cute!!
        -Leslie

        • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

          holy cow, leslie. you may have solved the riddle. it may, indeed, be just that.

          but the commenter said something about having read several instances where my spanking failed to yield desirable behavior which makes me think it might also be a simple case of a passive aggressive coward passing judgement with little or no regard to the facts.

          i’m so glad you came by to read and hope you’ll stop by again! and, thanks, again, for giving me a different angle. that comment was a head scratcher for sure!

  • Katje

    Not sure if you’ve addressed this before, but I’ve read a few things from you now where your spankings don’t yield any benefit. So can you explain why you do it?

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

      “katje,”

      thank you for reading. i’m big on freedom of speech. so not only did i decide to “approve” your patronizing question, but i’ve also decided to address it in bullet-point format.

      1. i can’t think of more than three posts where i reference spanking.
      2. you wrote: “I’ve read a few things from you now where your spankings don’t yield any benefit. So can you explain why you do it?” sure. but first please let me in on the “few things” of which you speak. b/c i don’t know what you’re talking about.
      3. spanking was not referenced in this post, nor implied. why you brought it up, i’m uncertain.
      4. i do believe in spanking. so do a lot of other people. and there’s a lot of people don’t believe in spanking. i greatly respect that stance, and as such would never go to, say, an AP blog and post the type of agenda-driven question that you just did. at best it’s poor decorum.
      5. not that i owe you any type of explanation, but spanking, for me, is ALWAYS the last resort, a resort that has not been needed in nearly two months. i’ve spanked our triplets a grand total of six times. but i tell you what, if you decide it’s best to call the authorities, i promise to turn myself in by noon tomorrow.
      6. i know many parents who spank and many who do not. i’ve seen varying results within each group and cannot definitively say that spanking does or does not work. it’s up to each parent to employ what works best for him or her. i’d never call anyone out for doing what works best for them, especially by responding to a blog post that never once referenced the topic in question. but if i were to, i would clearly identify myself instead of hiding behind the convenient cloak of anonymity.
      7. your comment was not at all appreciated.
      8. it’s my hope that in the future, you’ll either refrain from making such comments or stop reading my blog altogether.

      have a nice weekend!

    • http://www.mybottlesup.com nic @mybottlesup

      katje,
      there’s something on your forehead that you may want to check out. just thought you’d want to know.

      cheers!

      • Leslie

        New reader (found you from Katie Granju, who I found from Girls Gone Child) here. My guess is this:
        The mandatory parental wipe I administered?

        Instead of reading it as “wiping A’s butt,” which is what I immediately assumed (seeing as you were discussing poop and whatnot. And he thought he had successfully left some in the toilet), the commenter must have assumed that you spanked him? Which makes no sense for several reasons, the most blatantly obvious one being that A hadn’t done anything wrong. But that’s my only guess as to what he/she thinks they are referring to.

        Your kids are pretty darn cute!!
        -Leslie

        • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

          holy cow, leslie. you may have solved the riddle. it may, indeed, be just that.

          but the commenter said something about having read several instances where my spanking failed to yield desirable behavior which makes me think it might also be a simple case of a passive aggressive coward passing judgement with little or no regard to the facts.

          i’m so glad you came by to read and hope you’ll stop by again! and, thanks, again, for giving me a different angle. that comment was a head scratcher for sure!

  • http://mamabennie.blogspot.com MamBennie

    Apparently some people have nothing better to do in their day but to bring up irrelevant subjects on blog posts. I also love Nic’s response to it LOL

    Anyway, I love the blog post. There have been many shit bombs in my house, and my 2yo likes to take off her own diaper which leads to immanant disaster for my carpets. Thank god for my bissel rug cleaner, and I hope your clean up wasn’t too bad.

  • http://mamabennie.blogspot.com MamBennie

    Apparently some people have nothing better to do in their day but to bring up irrelevant subjects on blog posts. I also love Nic’s response to it LOL

    Anyway, I love the blog post. There have been many shit bombs in my house, and my 2yo likes to take off her own diaper which leads to immanant disaster for my carpets. Thank god for my bissel rug cleaner, and I hope your clean up wasn’t too bad.

  • http://www.fooddontgrowontrees.blogspot.com Sindy

    uh, you DON’T mind? If you happen to be in the vicinity of ATL in the near future, do look me up, would you?

    Actually kidding ’cause I dont think I’ll need you. Funny that a previous ill-mannered commenter brought up spanking because like you, I use it as a last resort. And this removal of pull-ups and shittifying the carpet (and linens and teddy bears and clothes and body and and and…) was handled in all the non-corporal punishment manners for months (MONTHS!) before finally resorting to the ole spankeroo. Over a week since said spanking was administered and not one shit explosion since.

    Case rested.

  • http://www.fooddontgrowontrees.blogspot.com Sindy

    uh, you DON’T mind? If you happen to be in the vicinity of ATL in the near future, do look me up, would you?

    Actually kidding ’cause I dont think I’ll need you. Funny that a previous ill-mannered commenter brought up spanking because like you, I use it as a last resort. And this removal of pull-ups and shittifying the carpet (and linens and teddy bears and clothes and body and and and…) was handled in all the non-corporal punishment manners for months (MONTHS!) before finally resorting to the ole spankeroo. Over a week since said spanking was administered and not one shit explosion since.

    Case rested.

  • http://surprisedmom.blogspot.com SurprisedMom

    Whenever I smell THAT smell, I know I can’t blame my girls, they are in their late teens and left diapers behind (sorry no pun intended), especially the blowout kind, long, long ago. So, THAT smell usually comes from the dog who we’ve nicknamed Gassy Gus and Fartin’ Martin among a few others. But, what I wouldn’t do sometimes just to experience my girls at your triplets age again, even changing an explosive diaper and giving them a bath.

    As for your rude commenter:

    Katje, maybe you should read a post before leaving comments on it that make absolutely no sense. If you want to start a controversy, start your own blog and put your feelings on it, just like millions of other bloggers do. I’m surprised John Cave Osborne even included your comment. Why would he or anyone else have to explain to you what they do and why they do it? Who are you except someone too cowardly to leave two names instead of one? I would have deleted your comment. As for spanking, it isn’t beating and can be an effective form of discipline if handled correctly. Now go start your own blog.

  • http://surprisedmom.blogspot.com SurprisedMom

    Whenever I smell THAT smell, I know I can’t blame my girls, they are in their late teens and left diapers behind (sorry no pun intended), especially the blowout kind, long, long ago. So, THAT smell usually comes from the dog who we’ve nicknamed Gassy Gus and Fartin’ Martin among a few others. But, what I wouldn’t do sometimes just to experience my girls at your triplets age again, even changing an explosive diaper and giving them a bath.

    As for your rude commenter:

    Katje, maybe you should read a post before leaving comments on it that make absolutely no sense. If you want to start a controversy, start your own blog and put your feelings on it, just like millions of other bloggers do. I’m surprised John Cave Osborne even included your comment. Why would he or anyone else have to explain to you what they do and why they do it? Who are you except someone too cowardly to leave two names instead of one? I would have deleted your comment. As for spanking, it isn’t beating and can be an effective form of discipline if handled correctly. Now go start your own blog.

  • Patrick (yeah, that one)

    Hm…

    Well, there’s no great and easy way of dealing with such a mess really. Well, other than frustrated laughter. Or tears. Or both. Followed by a metaphorical or actual clothespin on the nose, a lot of sanitizer and soap, and good scrubbings. And a sincere, devout, and possibly fruitless wish to never have to repeat the job again.

    As for the bizzarity (yeah, I, the Proper English Nazi, make up my own words. What’s your point? If I’m shaped like Alice in Wonderland’s Humpty Dumpty, then I reserve the right to use words however I like, just as he does.) of the question asked, all I can be is astounded. Whatever this individual’s purpose or goal in asking a question in such a manner in such a private place, all they seem to have achieved is to help others decide, based on the information at hand, that they are an idiot. If that was their point, then good job! You were successful! Idiot.

  • Patrick (yeah, that one)

    Hm…

    Well, there’s no great and easy way of dealing with such a mess really. Well, other than frustrated laughter. Or tears. Or both. Followed by a metaphorical or actual clothespin on the nose, a lot of sanitizer and soap, and good scrubbings. And a sincere, devout, and possibly fruitless wish to never have to repeat the job again.

    As for the bizzarity (yeah, I, the Proper English Nazi, make up my own words. What’s your point? If I’m shaped like Alice in Wonderland’s Humpty Dumpty, then I reserve the right to use words however I like, just as he does.) of the question asked, all I can be is astounded. Whatever this individual’s purpose or goal in asking a question in such a manner in such a private place, all they seem to have achieved is to help others decide, based on the information at hand, that they are an idiot. If that was their point, then good job! You were successful! Idiot.

  • http://www.windycitizen.com/blogs/fromheretopaternity Mark

    I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to deal with three little crap machines instead of one! It’s hard enough for me with one two-year-old poop factory. Kudos for managing to keep a sense of humor through the whole situation.

  • http://www.windycitizen.com/blogs/fromheretopaternity Mark

    I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to deal with three little crap machines instead of one! It’s hard enough for me with one two-year-old poop factory. Kudos for managing to keep a sense of humor through the whole situation.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    CSI – Triplets, I love the idea. I am also grateful that my youngest is 6.

    As for non sequitor spanking comments, I say “Huh?”. Seriously, where did that even come from?

    If spanking as a teaching tool is evil, I’m glad to be in such good company.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    CSI – Triplets, I love the idea. I am also grateful that my youngest is 6.

    As for non sequitor spanking comments, I say “Huh?”. Seriously, where did that even come from?

    If spanking as a teaching tool is evil, I’m glad to be in such good company.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    I am not a fan of the blowouts or poop in any fashion. But like you a I am always glad to spend time with my son no matter what type of mischief he is up to.

    People that go around stirring up crap for no reason drive me crazy. So do people that try to push their beliefs on everyone no matter what the belief. I’m on your side.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    I am not a fan of the blowouts or poop in any fashion. But like you a I am always glad to spend time with my son no matter what type of mischief he is up to.

    People that go around stirring up crap for no reason drive me crazy. So do people that try to push their beliefs on everyone no matter what the belief. I’m on your side.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    Ugh. We have dodged those bullets so far, but I know now that there are two of them, I’m sure it is just a matter of time. And clearly Katje’s parents probably didn’t spank her/him enough. Got to love rabble rousers. Too chicken to leave a link I noticed.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    Ugh. We have dodged those bullets so far, but I know now that there are two of them, I’m sure it is just a matter of time. And clearly Katje’s parents probably didn’t spank her/him enough. Got to love rabble rousers. Too chicken to leave a link I noticed.

  • Nicki

    Good thing that you got that offender of the smell test into a tub without using a spank to explain where that mess should have been made – YUCK!! That would have been truly messy.

    Just joking, JCO! Days with the trips and with Pookie must be wonderful. How was Pookie’s swimming?

  • Nicki

    Good thing that you got that offender of the smell test into a tub without using a spank to explain where that mess should have been made – YUCK!! That would have been truly messy.

    Just joking, JCO! Days with the trips and with Pookie must be wonderful. How was Pookie’s swimming?

  • Emily

    My twin girls have been “doing” the potty thing for all of six weeks now (it feels like six YEARS). I’m getting SO sick of the pee on the floor, pee on the chair, pee on the side of the refrigerator (I kid you not). They’ve been running around all summer in their birthday suits. They make it to the potty quite often, but sometimes it seems peeing on the floor is just what they want to do, and I totally don’t get it. It seems willful to me, whereas in your story I think B’s diaper just leaked. I have a twelve-yr-old, and either I’m forgetting a lot, or potty training multiples is just a whole different thing!

  • Emily

    My twin girls have been “doing” the potty thing for all of six weeks now (it feels like six YEARS). I’m getting SO sick of the pee on the floor, pee on the chair, pee on the side of the refrigerator (I kid you not). They’ve been running around all summer in their birthday suits. They make it to the potty quite often, but sometimes it seems peeing on the floor is just what they want to do, and I totally don’t get it. It seems willful to me, whereas in your story I think B’s diaper just leaked. I have a twelve-yr-old, and either I’m forgetting a lot, or potty training multiples is just a whole different thing!