The Language of Lovie

lovely lovie

As most of you know, I have a new book out, Tales from the Trips. Virtually every reader I’ve heard from seems to agree on one thing.

Lovie steals the show.

So what is it about Lovie that’s so captivating, you may wonder? Simple. It’s how well she deals with all of my nonsense. An exchange we had just two days ago is a perfect example.

“You’re a jerk,” she said, half kidding and half not. (Why I was being called a jerk is anyone’s guess, but I can assure you it was probably warranted.)

“A jerk?” I asked.

“Yep. A jerk. If people want to find you on the internet, they just type in www.jerk.”

“Which domain? Dot com? Dot edu? Dot org, maybe?” I asked.

“Dot dick, honey. Dot dick.”

No wonder my readers love her, so. Today, I thought it’d be fun to post five of my favorite Lovie–JCO exchanges from the book. Since I’m too lazy to type, I’ll be cutting and pasting, which means our gal Lovie will be going by her real name, Caroline.

* * *

5.) With Caroline in the hospital on bed rest, the task of getting Pookie ready for school each day was left to yours truly. I called my wife in a panic the night before the first of those mornings for some pointers. Here’s how it went down:

“What am I gonna do tomorrow?” I asked her.

“You’re going to get her ready for school.”

“Obviously, but what do I do?”

“Well, for starters, you have to make her take her reflux medicine and fix her breakfast.”

“I can handle the medicine, but what should I fix her for breakfast? She won’t eat cereal, will she?”

“No. You’ll have to make her something. Go to the refrigerator.”

“Refrigerator?”

“Yeah, you know, that door in our kitchen that you open when you want to have a snack?”

“Oh. I thought that was the pantry,” I said.

“Do you want my help or not?” asked Caroline.

“I need your help.”

“Then shut up and open up the fridge.”

* * *

4. ) Caroline’s, um, constructive criticism of Briggs, the dog I owned long before she and I were ever an item:

“Honey,” Caroline began another call to me, “your dumbass dog has struck again.”

“Oh no,” I exclaimed. Even I was getting sick of his shenanigans. “What was it this time? A toy? A shirt?”

“No. He’s on to much messier and disgusting things now. He dug into the garbage and chewed up a full bag of…”

No. No. Please no. Not a bag of…

“DIRTY DIAPERS! A whole day’s worth. Not only that, he must have eaten some because he’s thrown up on the floor. And I’ve got news for you. IT DOESN’T SMELL LIKE THROW UP! IT SMELLS LIKE SOMETHING ELSE!”

“Well, honey,” I answered, “you always said he had shit for brains. I suppose it was only a matter of time before he started having shit for lunch.”

* * *

3.) Don’t mess with Caroline when it comes to organizing for a trip:

“Honey,” I complained, “there’s no room for my bag.”

“Here,” she said, handing me three plastic grocery sacks.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Your luggage,” she replied. “Unpack your bag and put only the stuff you need in these. We’ll find a place for them.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

Wrong. My allotted luggage was squeezed under the front seat.

* * *

2.) Caroline is quite possibly the world’s worst driver. But that doesn’t stop her from fighting back:

“Caroline!” I screamed as she narrowly missed rear-ending a car that was slowing down to turn right. “See that blinking light down there on the right side of that man’s car? It’s called a turn signal. Do you know what it indicates? It indicates that he’s about to turn right, which means he’ll have to slow down. That indicates that you should probably slow down, too.”

“Honey,” she said.

“What?”

“Do you know what this indicates?” she asked while slowly extending her middle finger.

* * *

the road trips usually end here.

#1) Quite possibly my favorite exchange of all-time, another road-trip gem:

“We need to stop for lunch between eleven-thirty and twelve,” said Caroline.

The effective traveling rule of putting off all stops for as long as possible made the answer an obvious one. “Great,” I said. “We’ll stop at twelve.”

“But everyone in America will be eating then,” complained Caroline.

“Well,” I said, “I guess we’ll be eating with them. We’ll call it America’s Lunch.”

“You’re America’s Jackass,” she answered.

We stopped at eleven-thirty.

* * *

So there you have it. Five of my favorite Lovie–JCO exchanges from Tales from the Trips–but, remember, those are only five. There are many, many more. If you’d like to read them, please buy the book. You can get it on Amazon or you can also buy direct from the publisher. Those copies will be autographed.

But come to think of it, maybe I should just have my wife sign them.

After all, Lovie steals the show.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com Melisa with one S

    Lovie is awesome. She’s so sassy! I think we could be besties, and the next time I’m in K-town visiting my parents, I’m going to see if she wants to go to lunch with me.

    You’ll stay home with the kids, right JCO?

    Thanks.

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com Melisa with one S

    Lovie is awesome. She’s so sassy! I think we could be besties, and the next time I’m in K-town visiting my parents, I’m going to see if she wants to go to lunch with me.

    You’ll stay home with the kids, right JCO?

    Thanks.

  • http://www.fabricmarketknoxville.com Laura Higdon

    That is FULL of the awesome. Carry on, BFF!

  • http://www.fabricmarketknoxville.com Laura Higdon

    That is FULL of the awesome. Carry on, BFF!

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    That was fun.

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    That was fun.

  • Peary Purvis

    Oh how I do love Lovie…she is never short for a comment!! :-)

  • Peary Purvis

    Oh how I do love Lovie…she is never short for a comment!! :-)

  • Rachel

    she is one saucy lady. love it!

  • Rachel

    she is one saucy lady. love it!

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    OK, so I stopped reading after the first bit because your book just arrived today and I want to read the whole thing through without wondering where I’d heard things before. But you should totally see what you could do about creating the top level domain .dick, that would be awesome. Then you could become your own domain name registrar. Also I’d like to reserve http://www.benroethlisbergerisa.dick right now. This is a true retirement fund idea. Get on it!

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    OK, so I stopped reading after the first bit because your book just arrived today and I want to read the whole thing through without wondering where I’d heard things before. But you should totally see what you could do about creating the top level domain .dick, that would be awesome. Then you could become your own domain name registrar. Also I’d like to reserve http://www.benroethlisbergerisa.dick right now. This is a true retirement fund idea. Get on it!

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    I remember these from the book. My wife loved them. Especially #1. BTW, I’m also known as “Jackass” in my home as well. :)

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    I remember these from the book. My wife loved them. Especially #1. BTW, I’m also known as “Jackass” in my home as well. :)

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    I am glad that I am the only one in the office right now because I am about to fall out of my chair laughing. According to my wife I might be able to give you a run in the jerk category though.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    I am glad that I am the only one in the office right now because I am about to fall out of my chair laughing. According to my wife I might be able to give you a run in the jerk category though.

  • http://www.irrationaldad.com Joe @ IrrationalDad

    Haha… she does sound pretty awesome. Glad you’ve got a gal to keep you grounded, jerk.

  • http://www.irrationaldad.com Joe @ IrrationalDad

    Haha… she does sound pretty awesome. Glad you’ve got a gal to keep you grounded, jerk.

  • faith

    Lovie, sweet Lovie, will you please call my husband and tell him that it’s not just me that sasses back. For instance tonight when he ran over my daughter’s foot with the crib after bath time, he was perplexed and annoyed when I gave him the stink eye and implied his ignorance was the reason for him impaling her!

  • faith

    Lovie, sweet Lovie, will you please call my husband and tell him that it’s not just me that sasses back. For instance tonight when he ran over my daughter’s foot with the crib after bath time, he was perplexed and annoyed when I gave him the stink eye and implied his ignorance was the reason for him impaling her!

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Lovie is great with those one liners! Yeah, she would go on the ‘I’d share my beer with’ list.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Lovie is great with those one liners! Yeah, she would go on the ‘I’d share my beer with’ list.

  • http://jugglingeric.blogspot.com Eric

    I’m not even going to try looking up that website.

    Good luck with SEO now. :)

  • http://jugglingeric.blogspot.com Eric

    I’m not even going to try looking up that website.

    Good luck with SEO now. :)

  • http://www.almightydad.com Keith Wilcox

    LOL! It’s the Lovie parking the SUV post :-) Yeah, I remember that one. Lovie is a witty woman and you’re a lucky guy.

  • http://www.almightydad.com Keith Wilcox

    LOL! It’s the Lovie parking the SUV post :-) Yeah, I remember that one. Lovie is a witty woman and you’re a lucky guy.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Lovie Rocks!

    By the way at http://www.jerk.dick: a picture of you comes up.

    Ha, just kidding. I’m too afraid to type that in at work.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Lovie Rocks!

    By the way at http://www.jerk.dick: a picture of you comes up.

    Ha, just kidding. I’m too afraid to type that in at work.

  • http://wipehiswhat.blogspot.com Surfer Jay

    Holly moly three babies at the beach. I have trouble keeping my one boy fron drowning, must be fun watching over three. Fun though.

  • http://wipehiswhat.blogspot.com Surfer Jay

    Holly moly three babies at the beach. I have trouble keeping my one boy fron drowning, must be fun watching over three. Fun though.