Tiger and Kate Plus Eight

(To the rhyme of eeny, meeny, miny, mo.)

What you hear just isn’t so:
Catch a tiger by its toe?
You see, that method’s bound to fail.
You catch a Tiger chasing tail.

My mother said to pick the very best one and HE is not it.

Sorry. I tried. I really did. To give Tiger a second chance, that is.  But as the Masters wore on, he wore out his welcome with me. The golfer told the world in a pre-tournament press conference that we’d see a different Tiger on the course. And we did. For the first couple of days, that is–when things were going his way. But on Sunday, when he got off to that shaky start, he was back to the old Tiger as evidenced by the following outbursts:

“Tiger, you suck.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“God damn it.”

And that was just what they caught on tape.

The gig’s up. The questionable things we used to chalk up to his fiery and competitive nature–the attitude, the language, the condescension– are now nothing more than garden-variety attributes of the jerk we know him to be. Woods may go down as the greatest golfer of all time, but unless the “new Tiger” looks a lot different than the one I saw at Augusta, he’ll be equally remembered for being a bad dude.

That’s why he should listen to me. After all, I’m no stranger to helping fallen sports heroes rebuild their image. Just ask Ben Roethlisberger.  And I’ve got the perfect idea for Tiger.

He should marry Kate Gosselin. That’s right. The one with all the kids. It’s widely reported that Woods and Elin are headed for divorce, so he’ll soon be a free man. And Kate’s the perfect mulligan.

Think about it. What better way for Tiger to rehabilitate his image than by proving he really is a family man, in spite of the nationwide, sexual buffet he so slothfully feasted on for the past several years? (There’s a Perkins joke in there somewhere that I wasn’t clever enough to pull off.)

And what better way to prove he’s a family man than by bunking up with a woman whose uterus was once larger than a downtown loft?

But the benefits of marrying Kate go well beyond image rehabilitation. Tiger and Kate would actually make a great couple. For dozens of reasons. Here are the top ten.

10. Tiger would be an excellent step-dad to Kate’s eight kids. Most men would have a hard time keeping up with all the names, but juggling eight names ain’t nothing for Tiger.

9. I’m no wildlife expert, but I’m near certain that a beaten-down tiger would get along pretty darn well with a nipped and tucked cougar.

8. If Tiger ever gets fed up with all the racket that comes with eight kids, he could always just pop one of his Ambien.

7. Kate’s on “Dancing with the Stars,” and word on the street is that Tiger likes dancers. A LOT.

6. Tiger could close his eyes each and every night knowing there’s a fighting chance that he’s sleeping next to someone whom people dislike even more than him.

5. Kate could close her eyes each and every night knowing there’s a fighting chance that she’s sleeping next to someone whom people dislike even more than her.

4. With the time commitment a new relationship requires, Tiger would be too busy to film any more creepy-ass commercials staring his dead dad.

3. Not that they don’t do a good job already, but together? Boy, oh boy, could they ever drive home that “sense of entitlement” concept to their kids.

2. Unlike Elin, Kate’ll think twice before taking a driver to Tiger should the cat ever decide to prowl. After all, with eight kids, there’s bound to be a witness.

1. And the number one reason Tiger should marry Kate Gosselin? They could have a reality show and call it “Tiger and Kate plus Eight,” where, depending on how the marriage goes, the “Eight” would refer to the number of children in their household, or the number of girlies Tiger cages on an average week.

So there you have it. I rest my case. Tiger should marry Kate as soon as his divorce is final.

I just hope they invite to the wedding. ‘Cause I’ve got a toast I’d like to give them.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    Hee hee. I would have suggested Octomom. Or maybe Kate + eight is a reference to Octomom. Veiled foreshadowing of the marriage of the future.

    16 kids, two crazy women who catch a tiger by the tail. Oh what a ride it is.

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    Hee hee. I would have suggested Octomom. Or maybe Kate + eight is a reference to Octomom. Veiled foreshadowing of the marriage of the future.

    16 kids, two crazy women who catch a tiger by the tail. Oh what a ride it is.

  • http://nuclearfamilywarhead.com/ NukeDad

    You should be a producer for TLC or Bravo. Seriously, you’d make them millions with your vision. Although, I think this show might best be suited for Animal Planet.

  • http://nuclearfamilywarhead.com/ NukeDad

    You should be a producer for TLC or Bravo. Seriously, you’d make them millions with your vision. Although, I think this show might best be suited for Animal Planet.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Excellent. I love this. Pure genius.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Excellent. I love this. Pure genius.

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com Melisa with one S

    You’re always thinking, aren’t you? Pure genius.

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com Melisa with one S

    You’re always thinking, aren’t you? Pure genius.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Fa

    This is freakin hilarious John. You know what? This isn’t actually that far out of the realm of possibility with what we have seen in recent years. Keep these great posts coming.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)

    This is freakin hilarious John. You know what? This isn’t actually that far out of the realm of possibility with what we have seen in recent years. Keep these great posts coming.

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    This was great!

    “…uterus larger than a downtown loft” FTW

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    This was great!

    “…uterus larger than a downtown loft” FTW

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    Even though the possibility of this scenario playing out is infinitely minuscule, the mere chance that this could happen makes me even happier that I’ve rid my house of cable/satellite television.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    Even though the possibility of this scenario playing out is infinitely minuscule, the mere chance that this could happen makes me even happier that I’ve rid my house of cable/satellite television.

  • tad

    “sexual buffet he so slothfully feasted on for the past….”
    Not to nit pick, but I’m sure you meant to say “slovenly” or “stealthily” here.
    NICE JOB on the top 10 though!!
    As for the “Perkin’s Jokes”, I would LOVE to help fill in some of those blanks with you JCO!!

    You got skills my friend,

    As always…

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

      actually, tad, “slothfully” was the exact word i wanted. “stealthily” has a positive connotation, and as you can tell, i’m not a big fan of either, so that word never crossed my mind. and slovenly never crossed my mind either. why? b/c, although it can be an adverb, it’s most typically used as an adjective and, the sentence calls for an adverb.

      but the best reason for using “slothfully” is that sloth is the S in PEGLAWS, which i’m certain you’ll recall are the seven deadly sins, hence an (albeit quite subtle) implication that Tiger is best by all seven.

      thanks for the props, brother.

  • tad

    “sexual buffet he so slothfully feasted on for the past….”
    Not to nit pick, but I’m sure you meant to say “slovenly” or “stealthily” here.
    NICE JOB on the top 10 though!!
    As for the “Perkin’s Jokes”, I would LOVE to help fill in some of those blanks with you JCO!!

    You got skills my friend,

    As always…

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

      actually, tad, “slothfully” was the exact word i wanted. “stealthily” has a positive connotation, and as you can tell, i’m not a big fan of either, so that word never crossed my mind. and slovenly never crossed my mind either. why? b/c, although it can be an adverb, it’s most typically used as an adjective and, the sentence calls for an adverb.

      but the best reason for using “slothfully” is that sloth is the S in PEGLAWS, which i’m certain you’ll recall are the seven deadly sins, hence an (albeit quite subtle) implication that Tiger is best by all seven.

      thanks for the props, brother.

  • tad

    Octigllets?

  • tad

    Octigllets?

  • http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com Tara R.

    Just think of the reality show these two could produce!!

  • http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com Tara R.

    Just think of the reality show these two could produce!!

  • http://daddyfiles.com Daddy Files

    I would tune into that show every single week without fail.

    And look, I hate Tiger too. But I have no problem with his on-the-course antics. Despite the fact that he’s a douchebag personally, he absolutely is competitive and fiery and I like that. In fact, I think golf needs more emotion, not less.

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

      aaron, he brings an animus to golf that was sorely missing. that said, “Jesus Christ, God damn it, and Tiger, you suck?” if either of my four ever rocked language like that at any sporting event, i’d yank a knot through their ass so quick, they’d end up looking like Squidward from Songe Bob. tiger’s a jerk. and he acts like one, too.

  • http://daddyfiles.com Daddy Files

    I would tune into that show every single week without fail.

    And look, I hate Tiger too. But I have no problem with his on-the-course antics. Despite the fact that he’s a douchebag personally, he absolutely is competitive and fiery and I like that. In fact, I think golf needs more emotion, not less.

    • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

      aaron, he brings an animus to golf that was sorely missing. that said, “Jesus Christ, God damn it, and Tiger, you suck?” if either of my four ever rocked language like that at any sporting event, i’d yank a knot through their ass so quick, they’d end up looking like Squidward from Songe Bob. tiger’s a jerk. and he acts like one, too.

  • http://www.tempestbeauty.com Mandy

    You crack me up!

    Reason number 9 is best :)

  • http://www.tempestbeauty.com Mandy

    You crack me up!

    Reason number 9 is best :)

  • http://thedevoteddad.com Jason @ The Devoted Dad

    I didn’t watch the Masters, but it’s too bad he hasn’t had a full turn around. That’s what it’s gonna take to get him to change his ways- not just deal the the affair part of it- but looking at how the way he acts and thinks led him to who he became. Funny Top 10 list!

  • http://thedevoteddad.com Jason @ The Devoted Dad

    I didn’t watch the Masters, but it’s too bad he hasn’t had a full turn around. That’s what it’s gonna take to get him to change his ways- not just deal the the affair part of it- but looking at how the way he acts and thinks led him to who he became. Funny Top 10 list!

  • http://mothereseblog.com Kristen @ Motherese

    I saw your tweet about this post yesterday and had to get over here to see what you had cooked up for us.

    I just hope Kate Gosselin hasn’t read it. She seems eager for a new reality show deal and I shudder to think what this one would look like.

  • http://mothereseblog.com Kristen @ Motherese

    I saw your tweet about this post yesterday and had to get over here to see what you had cooked up for us.

    I just hope Kate Gosselin hasn’t read it. She seems eager for a new reality show deal and I shudder to think what this one would look like.

  • http://clarkkentslunchbox.blogspot.com/ Clark Kent’s Lunchbox

    so you don’t like Kate? Did you hear the latest (and I’m serious) Kate has a new show on TLC where she travels the country helping out mothers. Just read it today. Wonder what show

    Tiger’s got A LOT to get over.

  • http://clarkkentslunchbox.blogspot.com/ Clark Kent’s Lunchbox

    so you don’t like Kate? Did you hear the latest (and I’m serious) Kate has a new show on TLC where she travels the country helping out mothers. Just read it today. Wonder what show

    Tiger’s got A LOT to get over.

  • http://surprisedmom.blogspot.com SurprisedMom

    I envy your writing. It’s crisp, clear, witty as all get out and so enjoyable to read. Your top 10 list goes beyond virtuoso.

    As for Tiger, I wonder if he did what he did, basically cheat on his wife and family, because he never had the chance to be a normal boy or man when his father was around. It golf all the time, waking and probably sleeping moments. He was his father’s creation. There comes a time when everyone needs a chance to discover himself or herself, to be alone, to not focus on winning. I really don’t think he had the chance to be just plain Tiger. I don’t approve of what he did, just offering an explanation. Yes, he could have handled everything better, but did he have the emotional foundation to do so? Just a question here.

    As for Kate? Well, she has eight children and wants someone else to pay for them? She is tired of being known as someone’s mother and wants to be known as herself? She wants more than 15 minutes of fame?

    Both Tiger and Kate need that filter most of us “normal” people have. It’s the one that keeps us from acting like immoral goofs, keeps us doing the things that need to be done when all we want to do is the opposite. You know, THAT filter. I think they are missing that filter, or it really needs to be cleaned out, like lint out of a dryer filter.

  • http://surprisedmom.blogspot.com SurprisedMom

    I envy your writing. It’s crisp, clear, witty as all get out and so enjoyable to read. Your top 10 list goes beyond virtuoso.

    As for Tiger, I wonder if he did what he did, basically cheat on his wife and family, because he never had the chance to be a normal boy or man when his father was around. It golf all the time, waking and probably sleeping moments. He was his father’s creation. There comes a time when everyone needs a chance to discover himself or herself, to be alone, to not focus on winning. I really don’t think he had the chance to be just plain Tiger. I don’t approve of what he did, just offering an explanation. Yes, he could have handled everything better, but did he have the emotional foundation to do so? Just a question here.

    As for Kate? Well, she has eight children and wants someone else to pay for them? She is tired of being known as someone’s mother and wants to be known as herself? She wants more than 15 minutes of fame?

    Both Tiger and Kate need that filter most of us “normal” people have. It’s the one that keeps us from acting like immoral goofs, keeps us doing the things that need to be done when all we want to do is the opposite. You know, THAT filter. I think they are missing that filter, or it really needs to be cleaned out, like lint out of a dryer filter.

  • http://www.almightydad.com Keith Wilcox

    I don’t know anything about Kate Gosslin. But, I do know that I don’t like Tiger. Never did either. You know when you can just look at someone and see the smirk even though they’re not doing anything? That’s how I saw Tiger. Turns out there was something there and it took 10 years to come out. He’s right. He does suck.

  • http://www.almightydad.com Keith Wilcox

    I don’t know anything about Kate Gosslin. But, I do know that I don’t like Tiger. Never did either. You know when you can just look at someone and see the smirk even though they’re not doing anything? That’s how I saw Tiger. Turns out there was something there and it took 10 years to come out. He’s right. He does suck.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    Very funny man. I like the way you think. I hate to break one thing to you though. In the long run people will not hate Tiger. Look at Ray Lewis. He stood by while one of his “boys” killed a man. Now he is loved far and wide in NFL circles. Superb athelets usually get a pass. Michael Jordan is a gambling adulterer yet people love him. I don’t agree with it, but people just seem to forget. Here with parent bloggers I am sure he is a villain, but in the wider world all will be forgotten very soon.

  • http://lifeofanewdad.blogspot.com Otter321

    Very funny man. I like the way you think. I hate to break one thing to you though. In the long run people will not hate Tiger. Look at Ray Lewis. He stood by while one of his “boys” killed a man. Now he is loved far and wide in NFL circles. Superb athelets usually get a pass. Michael Jordan is a gambling adulterer yet people love him. I don’t agree with it, but people just seem to forget. Here with parent bloggers I am sure he is a villain, but in the wider world all will be forgotten very soon.

  • mchady

    I was fed up with Tiger coverage poisoning The Masters, but when I heard him say “Tiger, you suck”, I immediately thought – tiger has hit meltdown; sweet!

  • mchady

    I was fed up with Tiger coverage poisoning The Masters, but when I heard him say “Tiger, you suck”, I immediately thought – tiger has hit meltdown; sweet!

  • http://www.theDADvocateproject.com Kevin

    John,

    I think you need to change careers. You should start your own tv show where you do full image makeovers for screw up athletes and Mom’s of eight.

  • http://www.theDADvocateproject.com Kevin

    John,

    I think you need to change careers. You should start your own tv show where you do full image makeovers for screw up athletes and Mom’s of eight.

  • Tsiler

    I am sorry I just caught this gem of an idea. Tiger would be great reality star.

    As far as the Perkin’s joke…. I think Denny’s may have a little more on the menu to link to Tiger….Here are a few actual menu items worth your consideration….

    10. Grand Slamwich
    9. Lumberjack Slam
    8. Game-On Grapes
    7. Allnight Sampler
    6. HooBurrito
    5. Moons over my Hammy
    4. Triple Play Nuggets
    3. Fresh Cracked Classics
    2. Breakaway Brownie
    1. Oreo Blender Blaster

  • Tsiler

    I am sorry I just caught this gem of an idea. Tiger would be great reality star.

    As far as the Perkin’s joke…. I think Denny’s may have a little more on the menu to link to Tiger….Here are a few actual menu items worth your consideration….

    10. Grand Slamwich
    9. Lumberjack Slam
    8. Game-On Grapes
    7. Allnight Sampler
    6. HooBurrito
    5. Moons over my Hammy
    4. Triple Play Nuggets
    3. Fresh Cracked Classics
    2. Breakaway Brownie
    1. Oreo Blender Blaster