Dear Ben Roethlisberger

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,

Phew. You dodged another bullet, brother. Good thing you’re a football player, because if baseball were your sport, you’d have struck out by now.

Strike one? Mere months after you won the first of your two Super Bowl rings, you had a serious motorcycle accident, only a year removed from fellow NFL-er Kellen Winslow Jr’s career-threatening motorcycle accident.

In the wake of Winslow’s mishap, Coach Bill Cowher lectured you about motorcycle safety, desperately hoping you’d not be the next NFL guy to find yourself in the same situation. But that’s exactly what happened. And you weren’t wearing a helmet. Which would have come in handy when your head shattered the windshield of a car. Which necessitated a seven-hour surgery. You were lucky it wasn’t worse.

Strike two? Your 2009 run in with a young lady in Lake Tahoe who accused you of sexual assault. Though details would ultimately emerge which called the accuser’s motives into question, and though you never faced any criminal charges stemming from the incident, you still found yourself in a bad position–one which could have easily been avoided if you had made better decisions.

Strike three occurred on March 5, 2010. After a long night of partying in Milledgeville, GA (really, Ben? Milledgeville?), you were accused of sexual assault yet again, this time by a twenty-year old women whom you followed into the dingy bathroom of a local bar. The dingy women’s bathroom of a local bar.

Unlike the last time, this claim seemed to have teeth. Just like last time, you exercised incredibly poor judgment.

A Latin proverb tells us that a smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

You do neither.

Which makes you a fool.

But good fortune does not discriminate against the dim-witted. On April 12  the alleged victim announced she no longer wished to pursue criminal charges, thanks to the circus of media attention she wished to avoid.

You’re a very lucky and impossibly dumb man, Ben. Yet just when I thought you couldn’t do anything to lower my estimation of your IQ, you show up at a press conference to read a one-minute apology looking like this:

image courtesy of CNN

Listen, Ben, I’m no PR expert, but it seems to me that the last thing a guy accused of sexual assault for the second time would want to do is show up at press conference looking exactly like Jesse James. You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? He’s the motorcycle guy (hey, you two should ride together sometime) who left his (pregnant) porn-star girlfriend when Sandra Bullock came calling only to cheat on the Hollywood A-lister with a woman whose tattoos make Allen Iverson’s look like they came from a box of Cracker Jacks.

If I had just been accused of forcing myself on a twenty-year old girl in the women’s bathroom of a seedy bar after a six-hour bender in Milledgeville, GA mere months after my last brush with sexual assault? I probably would’ve lost the greasy mullet and dialed up an Opie Taylor look.

And what’s with your disco shirt, Ben? I mean, seriously, is it the same one you wore clubbing in M-town that night? What? Is your “Long Live Ted Bundy” tee dirty or something? At least you didn’t wear this one:

image courtesy of scrapetv.com. or a frat house. not sure which.

Consider a suit next time. Or at least a button down.

Sorry for writing you out of the blue, but I wanted to reach out and offer you my two cents because you’re clearly floundering, big fella. Feel free to take my advice, or blow it off, whichever suits you.

OH. And just one more thing. If you ever do find yourself publicly apologizing for being involved in similar matters, would you mind reading your statement in front of someone else’s locker?

Because when trying to eradicate the imagery of sexual assault, it’s probably best to distance yourself from the word “Colon,” even if it is nothing more than a teammate’s last name printed neatly on a sign above his locker. Given the circumstances, it’s just too visceral.

But look on the bright side. At least his number isn’t 69.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Meg

    Hilarious and all so true–what an idiot

  • Meg

    Hilarious and all so true–what an idiot

  • http://www.thedadvocateproject.com Kevin (The DADvocate Project

    John,

    Thank you, We more of your type of writing. How is it that we continue to let morons be morons and keep them in sports where they get praise for acting like complete idiots. Quite frankly even with the charges dropped he is still in idiot for putting himself in the situation to begin with.

    Ben dear you are 28 years old now time to stop acting like a spoiled child and act something at least a little closer to your shoe size. That would be an improvement.

    Fellow daddy bloggers and daddy blog readers this is an area we can have an impact. Our children need strong role models and have a sever lack of them. Although I think the daddy blogging culture has begun to give me a few examples I’ll share with my kids.

    We know musicians, sports stars, politicians are fools perhaps new media will create a different kind of star?

  • http://www.thedadvocateproject.com Kevin (The DADvocate Project

    John,

    Thank you, We more of your type of writing. How is it that we continue to let morons be morons and keep them in sports where they get praise for acting like complete idiots. Quite frankly even with the charges dropped he is still in idiot for putting himself in the situation to begin with.

    Ben dear you are 28 years old now time to stop acting like a spoiled child and act something at least a little closer to your shoe size. That would be an improvement.

    Fellow daddy bloggers and daddy blog readers this is an area we can have an impact. Our children need strong role models and have a sever lack of them. Although I think the daddy blogging culture has begun to give me a few examples I’ll share with my kids.

    We know musicians, sports stars, politicians are fools perhaps new media will create a different kind of star?

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    He looks an awful lot like John Rocker. I am not the first to say that, but hey.

    And yes he is an idiot who should be grateful that nothing bad has happened…yet.

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    He looks an awful lot like John Rocker. I am not the first to say that, but hey.

    And yes he is an idiot who should be grateful that nothing bad has happened…yet.

  • http://nuclearfamilywarhead.com/ NukeDad

    Good stuff. Yep, ‘ole Benny’s about as smart as a bag of hammers. He must have the charisma of a charcoal briquette, otherwise he wouldn’t have so much trouble with women. You know why Big Ben cries while having sex? It’s the mace.

  • http://nuclearfamilywarhead.com/ NukeDad

    Good stuff. Yep, ‘ole Benny’s about as smart as a bag of hammers. He must have the charisma of a charcoal briquette, otherwise he wouldn’t have so much trouble with women. You know why Big Ben cries while having sex? It’s the mace.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Fa

    Great advice John. And that mullet is scary looking on Ben.

    Keep it up man.

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)

    Great advice John. And that mullet is scary looking on Ben.

    Keep it up man.

  • http://daddyfiles.com Daddy Files

    I hate Ben Roethlisberger. And I’m not just saying that because he’s an idiot. Which he is. And I’m not just saying that because he’s a sexual deviant who preys on young women. Which he is. And I’m not just saying that because he’s the most undeserving QB in NFL history to win two Super Bowls and his pathetic performance in 2005 to beat the Seahawks consisted of going 9 for 21 for 123 yards and two interceptions with a QB rating of 22.6. Which is true and pathetic.

    I’m saying I hate Roethlisberger because…well…yeah, I guess for all those reasons. And because the Steelers suck my ass.

  • http://daddyfiles.com Daddy Files

    I hate Ben Roethlisberger. And I’m not just saying that because he’s an idiot. Which he is. And I’m not just saying that because he’s a sexual deviant who preys on young women. Which he is. And I’m not just saying that because he’s the most undeserving QB in NFL history to win two Super Bowls and his pathetic performance in 2005 to beat the Seahawks consisted of going 9 for 21 for 123 yards and two interceptions with a QB rating of 22.6. Which is true and pathetic.

    I’m saying I hate Roethlisberger because…well…yeah, I guess for all those reasons. And because the Steelers suck my ass.

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    Dead on post my friend! I was driving up to a conference today and was putting a similar post together in my head. No need to know. I couldn’t have put it any better.

    As a lifelong Steelers fan, Big Ben is an embarrassment to the franchise which has worked really to unload players with questionable character (Plax, Joey Porter, now Santonio Holmes). I have no doubts that the Steelers ownership wants to unload this piece of crap – but no one wants this train wreck in addition to be saddled with the huge contract.

  • http://sahdinlansing.com Chris (@tessasdad)

    Dead on post my friend! I was driving up to a conference today and was putting a similar post together in my head. No need to know. I couldn’t have put it any better.

    As a lifelong Steelers fan, Big Ben is an embarrassment to the franchise which has worked really to unload players with questionable character (Plax, Joey Porter, now Santonio Holmes). I have no doubts that the Steelers ownership wants to unload this piece of crap – but no one wants this train wreck in addition to be saddled with the huge contract.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Amen. It’s time this guys luck runs out.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Amen. It’s time this guys luck runs out.

  • http://sahdpdx.com gylcol

    That was fantastic, and as a Colts fan it couldn’t happen to a better team. Any Pittsburg pain is good times for me.

  • http://sahdpdx.com gylcol

    That was fantastic, and as a Colts fan it couldn’t happen to a better team. Any Pittsburg pain is good times for me.

  • Nicki

    So right on. I composed a post in my head and then let it out of my head in talking with my 23 year old daughter. It’s gone but very similar, only from a female point of view. The boy is a moron and not only should someone manage his money – as minors shouldn’t be allowed to have that much money, someone should be with him at all times – a Jiminy Cricket on his shoulder.

  • Nicki

    So right on. I composed a post in my head and then let it out of my head in talking with my 23 year old daughter. It’s gone but very similar, only from a female point of view. The boy is a moron and not only should someone manage his money – as minors shouldn’t be allowed to have that much money, someone should be with him at all times – a Jiminy Cricket on his shoulder.

  • http://www.almightydad.com Keith Wilcox

    That guy is a class 1 bone head. Even before any of this happened hearing him talk was painful. Someone needs to smack him and tell him to shutup and throw the ball. Just throw the damn ball, go home, sleep and come back next week to throw the ball again.

  • http://www.almightydad.com Keith Wilcox

    That guy is a class 1 bone head. Even before any of this happened hearing him talk was painful. Someone needs to smack him and tell him to shutup and throw the ball. Just throw the damn ball, go home, sleep and come back next week to throw the ball again.

  • http://www.sexandthesingledad.com J.R. Reed

    Shit like this is why Big Ben should be a Raider…..

  • http://www.sexandthesingledad.com J.R. Reed

    Shit like this is why Big Ben should be a Raider…..

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    Anything I say on this subject matter could be considered to be tainted because I hate the Steelers, but that being said, this guy is a joke. What will be real telling is to see what the NFL/Goodell or the Rooneys do to him. Will they trade him to a team for a pack of gum like they did with Holmes? Personally, they should trade his a$$ to the Raiders for a 2014 7th rounder to prove that no one is untouchable, especially an idiot like him.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    Anything I say on this subject matter could be considered to be tainted because I hate the Steelers, but that being said, this guy is a joke. What will be real telling is to see what the NFL/Goodell or the Rooneys do to him. Will they trade him to a team for a pack of gum like they did with Holmes? Personally, they should trade his a$$ to the Raiders for a 2014 7th rounder to prove that no one is untouchable, especially an idiot like him.

  • http://Wrath66.com Chris / Wrath66

    Good advice. Great post. Has he written back yet?

  • http://Wrath66.com Chris / Wrath66

    Good advice. Great post. Has he written back yet?

  • T.R.

    He is a football player not a f#$king rocket scientist ….give him a break

  • T.R.

    He is a football player not a f#$king rocket scientist ….give him a break

  • Sharon

    Thank You soo Much~ I really enjoyed reading this!~~~~~ It amazes me that he was not charged for giving a MINOR ALCOHOL…… She was only 20 years old and he admitted to giving her shots…. WOW

    Ben you are in Need of JESUS and a kick in the… ok lets just let that one go.. but get on your knees Ben and get yourself together…..

  • Sharon

    Thank You soo Much~ I really enjoyed reading this!~~~~~ It amazes me that he was not charged for giving a MINOR ALCOHOL…… She was only 20 years old and he admitted to giving her shots…. WOW

    Ben you are in Need of JESUS and a kick in the… ok lets just let that one go.. but get on your knees Ben and get yourself together…..

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