One of the Girls

Lovie and I ran into one of her childhood friends at a restaurant this past Sunday–a woman I’ll call Cindy. Though I don’t know her very well, I’m a big fan. So whenever I see her, I always chat her up. The handful of conversations we’ve had have all been pleasant ones, filled with rapid back-and-forths and sprinkled with clever one-liners. Our rapport is excellent.

“You’re a man of mystery,” she said to me, looking lovely in her Sunday best.

“Oh really?” I asked. “How so?”

“My mom is always asking about you. She wants to know what Lovie’s husband is all about. You know what I tell her?”

“What’s that?” I asked, preparing to greet the series of compliments that were sure to follow with the perfect mix of appreciation and modesty.

“I tell her what a girls’ guy you are.”

Record scratch.

“I’m sorry?” I said, wondering if I had misheard, or if she had actually meant ladies man or some other complimentary moniker.

“I tell her how fun you are to talk to,” she explained. “How it’s just like chatting with one of the girls.”

An awkward silence ensued.

“And that you’re, you know, a real girls’ guy.”

Once concerned Cindy’s comments would render me visibly self-smitten, I quickly downshifted into damage control, hoping only that my expression wouldn’t reveal the fact that my engine was revving with disbelief, if not disapproval.

“I would have gone with versatile,” I suggested, wondering if I had come off as rude as I had feared.

But who could have blamed me. Girls’ guy? I wonder if my camping buddies think I’m a girls’ guy. What about my bookie? Or the rough-and-tumble, blue-collar types who work at the countertop shop I co-own? Or how about Chris Chambliss, the close friend I section hike the Appalachian Trail with? During our annual, week-long trips–the ones spent trekking up and down the sides of mountains, carrying forty-pound backpacks eighteen miles a day–I wonder if he ever looks at me and thinks, you know, as much as I love hiking with Osborne, what I’d really like to do is clutch a hot cup of coffee, plop down a fluffy sofa, and watch The View with that son-of-a-bitch.

Cindy's coming over and we're gonna chat!

I have a question. Since when did being unafraid to banter back and forth with one of Lovie’s all-time faves at a cocktail party suddenly turn me into RuPaul? I’m many things. And easy to talk to is one of them. But does that really make me a candidate to tag along on a weekend trip to Atlanta for a two-day Nieman Marcus bender?

As I drove to work on Monday morning, I replayed the conversation in my head. Maybe I was wearing my sensitive panties, I thought. Perhaps I over-reacted. So I asked my co-worker and close friend Shane Rose.

“Now what did she say, again?”

“That I was a real girls’ guy.”

“Was she serious?”

“Yeah, I think.”

“Buddy,” he responded while shaking his head. “That sucks.”

So much for the sensitive-panties theory.

Next time I see Cindy at a party, I’ll remember to stay on the boys’ side of the room and talk about the stock market and auto parts while belching loudly and occasionally readjusting my gigantic package. I’ll only cross over to the girls’ side to inform Lovie that her cowboy needs a drink.

Bourbon, bitch.

Harsh? Maybe, but I have to be careful not to use too many words or else I might come off all chatty. Wouldn’t wanna give anyone the wrong idea.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go. The Bachelor just started.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • Heather Patton Reyda

    I am still laughing out loud, in a “i am laughing with you…not at you” kind of way…..You’re not laughing? Because the “bourbon, bitch” made me spit coffee on the laptop…..reminded me of “Go fix me a turkey pot pie, bitch” comment from The Breakfast Club….and I SO CANNOT see you ever saying that to a single woman, especially not Lovie! I realize that we have not been real face friends in many (I will not give the actual years here) years and I would so love to come to your defense here….but as I recall, after my “Blackie” crush wore off, I found you to be one of the easiest guys to talk with. Although we both know I have always been a sports lover…I recall that was not the center of our conversations….So, sorry….Does it help if I say…”Yeah, but you look like a bad ass?”

  • Heather Patton Reyda

    I am still laughing out loud, in a “i am laughing with you…not at you” kind of way…..You’re not laughing? Because the “bourbon, bitch” made me spit coffee on the laptop…..reminded me of “Go fix me a turkey pot pie, bitch” comment from The Breakfast Club….and I SO CANNOT see you ever saying that to a single woman, especially not Lovie! I realize that we have not been real face friends in many (I will not give the actual years here) years and I would so love to come to your defense here….but as I recall, after my “Blackie” crush wore off, I found you to be one of the easiest guys to talk with. Although we both know I have always been a sports lover…I recall that was not the center of our conversations….So, sorry….Does it help if I say…”Yeah, but you look like a bad ass?”

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com Melisa with one S

    It just gets better and better over here. HILARIOUS!

    As someone who has shared a table at Starbucks with you, I can say with authority that I never once thought, upon leaving, “Wow, that JCO is a real girls’ girl.”

    Hilarious? Yes.
    Talkative? God, yes. (But in a good way. I told Weaselmomma you could give her a run for her money in that department. Haha)
    Engaging? Absolutely.

    RuPaul-like? NO.

    But it may be a while before I can get that picture out of my head. So thanks (not) for that. :)

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com Melisa with one S

    It just gets better and better over here. HILARIOUS!

    As someone who has shared a table at Starbucks with you, I can say with authority that I never once thought, upon leaving, “Wow, that JCO is a real girls’ girl.”

    Hilarious? Yes.
    Talkative? God, yes. (But in a good way. I told Weaselmomma you could give her a run for her money in that department. Haha)
    Engaging? Absolutely.

    RuPaul-like? NO.

    But it may be a while before I can get that picture out of my head. So thanks (not) for that. :)

  • http://www.tempestbeauty.com Mandy

    Haha, I love it. Maybe you should find a local bunco group… do they have that where you are?

    I’m not even girly enough to get in on one of those, and I have all the right parts.

    Found you through Manhattanspeak, but also saw your amazing “Day without mommy” video on youtube. You are excellent.

  • http://www.tempestbeauty.com Mandy

    Haha, I love it. Maybe you should find a local bunco group… do they have that where you are?

    I’m not even girly enough to get in on one of those, and I have all the right parts.

    Found you through Manhattanspeak, but also saw your amazing “Day without mommy” video on youtube. You are excellent.

  • rob b

    I was sympothetic to your slander until I got to the enormous package comment…it just doesn’t jibe with pink pillow photo LOL

  • rob b

    I was sympothetic to your slander until I got to the enormous package comment…it just doesn’t jibe with pink pillow photo LOL

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Hold on, I’m still wiping the tears out of my eyes.

    Okay, I’m all good now. That is flipping hysterical. You should have just told her ‘I’m the Best of both worlds and everything to everybody’.

    You are no girly-man.

    Bourbon bitch, almost made me fall off the couch.

    The pic, is something that makes me want to wash my eyes with bleach and may never forgive you for posting, although it is very funny.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Hold on, I’m still wiping the tears out of my eyes.

    Okay, I’m all good now. That is flipping hysterical. You should have just told her ‘I’m the Best of both worlds and everything to everybody’.

    You are no girly-man.

    Bourbon bitch, almost made me fall off the couch.

    The pic, is something that makes me want to wash my eyes with bleach and may never forgive you for posting, although it is very funny.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    Don’t forget the firm, yet playful, smack on the ass when you order your bourbon.

    Wow, I’m sitting here trying to decide where other not that is worse than being told “but we’re too good of friends for that”.

  • http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

    Don’t forget the firm, yet playful, smack on the ass when you order your bourbon.

    Wow, I’m sitting here trying to decide where other not that is worse than being told “but we’re too good of friends for that”.

  • http://www.beingmichaelsdaddy.com Tom

    I got called that once myself, in so many words, so I can feel your pain. I don’t think I can pull off public scratching, and I know I wouldn’t be able to request bourbon from my wife that way without picking carpet out of my teeth the next minute, I’ve found just clamming up is helpful.

    And thanks for the visual – Move over, Weaselmomma. Gotta bleach my eyes too.

  • http://www.beingmichaelsdaddy.com Tom

    I got called that once myself, in so many words, so I can feel your pain. I don’t think I can pull off public scratching, and I know I wouldn’t be able to request bourbon from my wife that way without picking carpet out of my teeth the next minute, I’ve found just clamming up is helpful.

    And thanks for the visual – Move over, Weaselmomma. Gotta bleach my eyes too.

  • Nicki

    Nothing wrong with being a girls’ guy!

  • Nicki

    Nothing wrong with being a girls’ guy!

  • http://shatteredprose.blogspot.com/ Indigo

    Bwahahahaha! Oh sorry, that wasn’t meant to be funny was it? Nothing wrong with being easy to talk to. Seriously it’s appealing to be around someone who isn’t stand offish and full of male testosterone. Wait…that didn’t come out right.

    Maybe keep the sensitive for Lovie and the mysterious persona for the outside world? I’m no good with these things, can you tell? (Hugs)Indigo

  • http://shatteredprose.blogspot.com/ Indigo

    Bwahahahaha! Oh sorry, that wasn’t meant to be funny was it? Nothing wrong with being easy to talk to. Seriously it’s appealing to be around someone who isn’t stand offish and full of male testosterone. Wait…that didn’t come out right.

    Maybe keep the sensitive for Lovie and the mysterious persona for the outside world? I’m no good with these things, can you tell? (Hugs)Indigo

  • http://tendollarthoughts.wordpress.com Gale

    It’s not so bad. One of my husband’s good friends is also a bit of a girls’ guy. He helped hubby pick out my Christmas gift, and he and I have a date to go see the movie “Valentine’s Day” on opening night. He’s still a flirt and and a bit of a player. But he’s a great friend to both of us. “Versatile” is an apt description. Go with that label, change out of your sensitive panties, and be grateful that you’re not just some oaf.

  • http://tendollarthoughts.wordpress.com Gale

    It’s not so bad. One of my husband’s good friends is also a bit of a girls’ guy. He helped hubby pick out my Christmas gift, and he and I have a date to go see the movie “Valentine’s Day” on opening night. He’s still a flirt and and a bit of a player. But he’s a great friend to both of us. “Versatile” is an apt description. Go with that label, change out of your sensitive panties, and be grateful that you’re not just some oaf.

  • http://www.mytwinsforlife.blogspot.com HT

    Hilarious post!!

    I’m sure she meant what she said in a good way, but it really came out bad!

    Some women are just not use to men that can have interesting, funny and amusing conversations with them. You are probably an anomaly to her!!

    My hubby is also a great conversationalist and the women will always gravitate to him, but I know he would not like that label either!

  • http://www.mytwinsforlife.blogspot.com HT

    Hilarious post!!

    I’m sure she meant what she said in a good way, but it really came out bad!

    Some women are just not use to men that can have interesting, funny and amusing conversations with them. You are probably an anomaly to her!!

    My hubby is also a great conversationalist and the women will always gravitate to him, but I know he would not like that label either!

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Hilarious John! I would have a beer or two with you cause I am sure you are really a guys guy!

  • http://liayf.blogspot.com Seattledad

    Hilarious John! I would have a beer or two with you cause I am sure you are really a guys guy!

  • http://www.holymolytoledos.blogspot.com Susy

    Bwahaha! I don’t think I had heard of the actual term “girls’ guy” before but it does make sense. Sometimes HunHun falls into that category, I think. But he must know how to balance it (sans the bitch part – b/c then he’d REALLY be one of the girls! πŸ˜‰ ) b/c he does speak of car motors and burps out loud – when called for. But I don’t think you need to go that route, if you have that picture to offer as evidence that you can hang w/ the girls; somehow I think you’d be let off the hook w/ that one.

  • http://www.holymolytoledos.blogspot.com Susy

    Bwahaha! I don’t think I had heard of the actual term “girls’ guy” before but it does make sense. Sometimes HunHun falls into that category, I think. But he must know how to balance it (sans the bitch part – b/c then he’d REALLY be one of the girls! πŸ˜‰ ) b/c he does speak of car motors and burps out loud – when called for. But I don’t think you need to go that route, if you have that picture to offer as evidence that you can hang w/ the girls; somehow I think you’d be let off the hook w/ that one.

  • http://www.madd0g.org Mo

    Maybe you should stop talking about your favourite chick-flicks…

  • http://www.madd0g.org Mo

    Maybe you should stop talking about your favourite chick-flicks…

  • http://www.loulousviews.com Loukia

    Oh my gosh… you’re too funny! Okay, so I think she meant it like, in a totally nice and complimentary way. Like, you’re SUPER NICE! And easy to talk to! It’s not taking away from your manly-ness at all. You are just an all around terrific guy, like a great catch. You can do all the guy stuff but still be a totally sweetheart to the girls. Aww! :)

    P.S. You’re part-owner of a countertop store? Is soo need new countertops!!!

  • http://www.loulousviews.com Loukia

    Oh my gosh… you’re too funny! Okay, so I think she meant it like, in a totally nice and complimentary way. Like, you’re SUPER NICE! And easy to talk to! It’s not taking away from your manly-ness at all. You are just an all around terrific guy, like a great catch. You can do all the guy stuff but still be a totally sweetheart to the girls. Aww! :)

    P.S. You’re part-owner of a countertop store? Is soo need new countertops!!!

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    John,

    I want you to know that when we hit that Laker game at Staples Center you have nothing to worry about. I will protect you from the scary people.

    I’ll open the doors and even be certain to walk closer to the curb than you do. πŸ˜‰

    Heh. That story is pretty funny,

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

    John,

    I want you to know that when we hit that Laker game at Staples Center you have nothing to worry about. I will protect you from the scary people.

    I’ll open the doors and even be certain to walk closer to the curb than you do. πŸ˜‰

    Heh. That story is pretty funny,

  • http://forcoryssake.blogspot.com Carolyn Wada

    Going to LA? I know a Vietnamese guy at MacArthur park who can get you an authentic-looking prison tattoo.

    (In case you have super-literal-minded visitors–and you probably don’t–I’m COMPLETELY kidding)

  • http://forcoryssake.blogspot.com Carolyn Wada

    Going to LA? I know a Vietnamese guy at MacArthur park who can get you an authentic-looking prison tattoo.

    (In case you have super-literal-minded visitors–and you probably don’t–I’m COMPLETELY kidding)

  • elise white

    oh my god. you are hysterical. i once told my (straight) work friend jackson that he would be perfect if he were only gay. he didn’t talk to me for a week.

  • elise white

    oh my god. you are hysterical. i once told my (straight) work friend jackson that he would be perfect if he were only gay. he didn’t talk to me for a week.

  • http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com Tara R.

    I don’t think you need to get your ‘sensitive panties’ in a wad. I’m sure she still meant it as a compliment on how easy you were to talk to and not a commentary on your manli-man-ness. But, just in case you might want to work on drinking fruity cocktails with your little finger extended. You could probably pass on the paper umbrellas though.

  • http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com Tara R.

    I don’t think you need to get your ‘sensitive panties’ in a wad. I’m sure she still meant it as a compliment on how easy you were to talk to and not a commentary on your manli-man-ness. But, just in case you might want to work on drinking fruity cocktails with your little finger extended. You could probably pass on the paper umbrellas though.

  • http://www.mommyisdating.com Piper

    Count me among those crying from laughing so hard. I had to change my underwear not once, but twice, thank you very much, and I’ve had that little problem fixed surgically!

    For what it’s worth, it was a compliment. Maybe not one you want to spread around (too late for that now, buster), but we women dig men we can feel as comfortable talking to as we do our girlfriends. Shopping has nothing to do with it. (I detest shopping, BTW, but I’m a dude’s chick.)

    You’ll know you’ve made it as a girls’ guy when we start telling you all about our periods.

    XO

  • http://www.mommyisdating.com Piper

    Count me among those crying from laughing so hard. I had to change my underwear not once, but twice, thank you very much, and I’ve had that little problem fixed surgically!

    For what it’s worth, it was a compliment. Maybe not one you want to spread around (too late for that now, buster), but we women dig men we can feel as comfortable talking to as we do our girlfriends. Shopping has nothing to do with it. (I detest shopping, BTW, but I’m a dude’s chick.)

    You’ll know you’ve made it as a girls’ guy when we start telling you all about our periods.

    XO

  • http://www.barbaramanatee.blogspot.com Barbara Manatee

    ok…I totally heard the record scratch as I read that! LOL!…and bourbon bitch? lmao!! If its worth anything…lots of women are totally bummed when they find out a ‘good guy’ is gay…so to get labeled a ‘girls’ guy’ and be straight…I’d *try* to take it as a compliment! LOL!

  • http://www.barbaramanatee.blogspot.com Barbara Manatee

    ok…I totally heard the record scratch as I read that! LOL!…and bourbon bitch? lmao!! If its worth anything…lots of women are totally bummed when they find out a ‘good guy’ is gay…so to get labeled a ‘girls’ guy’ and be straight…I’d *try* to take it as a compliment! LOL!

  • mama2point0

    I’m sorry to have to tell you that this made me chuckle cause it’s just like a dude to get all sensitive about being told you’re easy to talk to. Now clearly, saying you’re a “girls’ guy” was probably a poor choice of words, but I actually think she truly meant it as a compliment. What she was probably trying to say is that you’re a really good listener, which, sadly, seems to be a rare quality these days. If it makes you feel better, though, next time you’re putting on your “listening ears” for her, keep one hand on your “pistol” throughout the conversation as a reminder of all your maleness.

    xoxo,
    Nuckingfutsmama :-)

  • mama2point0

    I’m sorry to have to tell you that this made me chuckle cause it’s just like a dude to get all sensitive about being told you’re easy to talk to. Now clearly, saying you’re a “girls’ guy” was probably a poor choice of words, but I actually think she truly meant it as a compliment. What she was probably trying to say is that you’re a really good listener, which, sadly, seems to be a rare quality these days. If it makes you feel better, though, next time you’re putting on your “listening ears” for her, keep one hand on your “pistol” throughout the conversation as a reminder of all your maleness.

    xoxo,
    Nuckingfutsmama :-)

  • http://richmondzoo.blogspot.com Captain Dumbass

    Little touchy, are you having your man-period?

  • http://richmondzoo.blogspot.com Captain Dumbass

    Little touchy, are you having your man-period?

  • Frank

    For the record, my mother always LOVED her conversations with you. AND she was a bourbon drinker, and she would gamble from time to time..I would embrace it..I just don’t want you to worry..Know thy self, and please don’t buy an Ed Hardy T shirt and grow a gotee.

  • Frank

    For the record, my mother always LOVED her conversations with you. AND she was a bourbon drinker, and she would gamble from time to time..I would embrace it..I just don’t want you to worry..Know thy self, and please don’t buy an Ed Hardy T shirt and grow a gotee.

  • http://belladaddy.blogspot.com/ BellaDaddy

    HOLY PANTIES IN A WAD, that was HYSTIERCAL…and WOW, what a brave man, posting THAT pic….Kudos!

  • http://belladaddy.blogspot.com/ BellaDaddy

    HOLY PANTIES IN A WAD, that was HYSTIERCAL…and WOW, what a brave man, posting THAT pic….Kudos!

  • http://www.dearmisterman.com Mr. Man

    Laughing my butt off! Dude all you have to do to change her mind is to break wind and the scratch with satisfaction. Just sayin’.

  • http://www.dearmisterman.com Mr. Man

    Laughing my butt off! Dude all you have to do to change her mind is to break wind and the scratch with satisfaction. Just sayin’.

  • http://pegbur7.wordpress.com pegbur7

    I just found your blog and I am SO glad I did. Don’t feel bad. My hubby is so a girl’s guy too. And for the record Lovie’s friend is probably just jealous because she doesn’t have one of her own. And you are hilarious to boot. Bourbon, bitch? Yeah I almost spit out my coffee on that one! I’ll be back!

  • http://pegbur7.wordpress.com pegbur7

    I just found your blog and I am SO glad I did. Don’t feel bad. My hubby is so a girl’s guy too. And for the record Lovie’s friend is probably just jealous because she doesn’t have one of her own. And you are hilarious to boot. Bourbon, bitch? Yeah I almost spit out my coffee on that one! I’ll be back!

  • http://youthinkyoucanblog.wordpress.com Angelia Sims

    Hilarious post! Great picture.

    I’m laughing even harder because this is the first post of yours I have read and it’s because Peg (comment above) gave you a SUGAR DOLL award.

    Haha. I hope you still have your man card, sugar. :-) Sweeeeeet.

  • http://youthinkyoucanblog.wordpress.com Angelia Sims

    Hilarious post! Great picture.

    I’m laughing even harder because this is the first post of yours I have read and it’s because Peg (comment above) gave you a SUGAR DOLL award.

    Haha. I hope you still have your man card, sugar. :-) Sweeeeeet.

  • http://thegoodthebadtheworse.blogspot.com Linda Medrano

    No higher compliment can be paid, Darlin’. I mean, a guy with 6 kids (we dont’ doubt his masculinity!) I love this!

  • http://thegoodthebadtheworse.blogspot.com Linda Medrano

    No higher compliment can be paid, Darlin’. I mean, a guy with 6 kids (we dont’ doubt his masculinity!) I love this!

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  • http://www.fathermuskrat.com Father Muskrat

    Let me know when you want to hit Neiman Marcus. I know a great gay bar called Mary’s, too.

  • http://www.fathermuskrat.com Father Muskrat

    Let me know when you want to hit Neiman Marcus. I know a great gay bar called Mary’s, too.