Get Real

Lovie and I got married in 2006. She was a thirty-seven-year-old single mom to Pookie, and I was a thirty-six-year-old, semi-professional bachelor. Despite our relatively advanced age, we knew before we even tied the knot that we wanted to have a child together.

A child, mind you. At least that was my thinking. Lovie thought that more than one might be nice. “Let’s just focus on having one,” I offered. “Then we can see how we feel about having another.”

Obviously the news that we were expecting triplets tabled any future conversations concerning more children. Or so I thought. One night, when our trio was just six months old, Lovie casually mentioned to me that sometimes she thought it would be “funny” if she were to get pregnant again.

There were many adjectives that came to my mind with such a scenario, but funny was not among them. After all, in trying for a simple addition to bring us just below the national family average, we had somehow become the Waltons in one fell swoop. I wasn’t convinced that my potent brand of semen could be trusted to produce only one more. With my luck, I’d knock Lovie up with quintuplets. Then we’d be burdened with our own reality show:

John and Caroline Plus Nine

I don’t know about you, but one-upping the Gosselins didn’t sound like anything that I would ever consider even remotely “funny.” What if she wanted more after that and we duplicated our inaugural effort with yet another set of triplets? Talk about reality shows.

Our Good Lovin’ Made a Dozen? I don’t think so.

In December, I read that Kate Gosselin has a new show in the works. Frankly, it scared the hell out of me. After all, America needs more Kate Gosselin like Lovie and I need more children. If TV execs could possibly think that such a show was a good idea, I knew it was possible that Lovie just might relapse and again ponder the hilarity that would ensue with the addition of more children to our brood. Accordingly, I thought it would be prudent if I armed myself with TV show titles that would discourage such insanity.

Even If We Tried, Her Tubes Are Tied

But her tubes aren’t tied. So that didn’t make sense.

No More Trips ‘Cause John Got Snipped

Only I haven’t been snipped. And I never will get snipped. I’m scared of the knife, and I certainly don’t want to duplicate my good cyber-buddy Ron Mattock’s recent procedure. Besides, I hate frozen peas. The last thing I wanna do is sit on them.

Lovie’s Bod Will Not House Quads

Not bad. But that title left a little too much wiggle room for my liking. Technically, it allowed for the possibility of Lovie’s petite frame housing fewer than four. And then I came up with it–the perfect title for the only reality show I would ever consider when it came to our family—no matter what Lovie had to say about it.

Ain’t No Maybes—No More Babies

Luckily, it’s been nearly two years since Lovie has mentioned anything about the humorous act of adding to our family roster, so my clever title has not been necessary.

But you never know.

That’s why I’ve got it. Just in case.

Related Posts with Thumbnails
About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • http://www.mypreciouskid.com Kay Green

    Thanks for sharing your story. My daughter had twin boys in May. They are a pure delight to this Nana.

    Kay Green
    Child Safety Mama

  • http://www.mypreciouskid.com Kay Green

    Thanks for sharing your story. My daughter had twin boys in May. They are a pure delight to this Nana.

    Kay Green
    Child Safety Mama

  • http://dadlogic.net dadlogic

    My wife has mentioned having another child, but what scares me more than the financial side of things is the possibility that she could give birth to twins (let alone triplets). I think we’ll stick with one kid for now.

    I hate frozen peas as much as the next guy, but one set of triplets would be enough motivation for me to visit the doc for a snip. You’re a brave man leaving bullets in that chamber.

    And who says you need to have multiple children to get on TV? Just fake that one of the kids is floating in a balloon and you’ll be a celebrity in no time.

  • http://dadlogic.net dadlogic

    My wife has mentioned having another child, but what scares me more than the financial side of things is the possibility that she could give birth to twins (let alone triplets). I think we’ll stick with one kid for now.

    I hate frozen peas as much as the next guy, but one set of triplets would be enough motivation for me to visit the doc for a snip. You’re a brave man leaving bullets in that chamber.

    And who says you need to have multiple children to get on TV? Just fake that one of the kids is floating in a balloon and you’ll be a celebrity in no time.

  • careycbuck

    I always wanted 3…that was the model I came from, and it worked out pretty well.

    After 9 months of Will screaming his head off (4 months of colic, followed by him cutting 8 teeth in 5 months), I decided that there were many advantages to an only child.

    Bill strongly disagreed, and after much discussion….I agreed to TRY to have a second. We pulled the goalie, and I thought….hah! I have heard of so many couples who have trouble conceiving their second….I am in the clear.

    Sarah was born 9 months later. Of course she was.

    And I am NO way recommending that you have any more spawn…but I will say, that I thank God every day for the gift that Sarah is to me. She saves my sanity in so many ways….God knew that I needed her in my life WAY before I knew!

  • careycbuck

    I always wanted 3…that was the model I came from, and it worked out pretty well.

    After 9 months of Will screaming his head off (4 months of colic, followed by him cutting 8 teeth in 5 months), I decided that there were many advantages to an only child.

    Bill strongly disagreed, and after much discussion….I agreed to TRY to have a second. We pulled the goalie, and I thought….hah! I have heard of so many couples who have trouble conceiving their second….I am in the clear.

    Sarah was born 9 months later. Of course she was.

    And I am NO way recommending that you have any more spawn…but I will say, that I thank God every day for the gift that Sarah is to me. She saves my sanity in so many ways….God knew that I needed her in my life WAY before I knew!

  • http://www.madd0g.org Mo

    Sitting on frozen peas sounds like, um, immense fun. But would you pop them in the pan afterwords, or chuck them straight into the trash?

  • http://www.madd0g.org Mo

    Sitting on frozen peas sounds like, um, immense fun. But would you pop them in the pan afterwords, or chuck them straight into the trash?

  • Nicki

    I have to tell you it took me – yes, a single mom with six kids under the age of 12 at that point in time – several years to realize I did not want more children of my own. Laugh all you want but it is hard for women to admit this.

  • Nicki

    I have to tell you it took me – yes, a single mom with six kids under the age of 12 at that point in time – several years to realize I did not want more children of my own. Laugh all you want but it is hard for women to admit this.

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Our Good Lovin’ Made a Dozen sounds like the 1st reality show I would ever watch. Never say never, you don’t that coming back to bite you in the……

  • http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com WeaselMomma

    Our Good Lovin’ Made a Dozen sounds like the 1st reality show I would ever watch. Never say never, you don’t that coming back to bite you in the……

  • http://www.beingmichaelsdaddy.com Tom

    You may wish to reconsider your stance on getting snipped. It would only take one accident to turn your story into “And Baby makes five” – or more.

    I had it done. It’s really no big deal, and I’m a total weenie when it comes to procedures. The arrival of my son was enough of a kick in the butt to convince me.

  • http://www.beingmichaelsdaddy.com Tom

    You may wish to reconsider your stance on getting snipped. It would only take one accident to turn your story into “And Baby makes five” – or more.

    I had it done. It’s really no big deal, and I’m a total weenie when it comes to procedures. The arrival of my son was enough of a kick in the butt to convince me.

  • http://3boys1hubbywhatnext.blogspot.com MamaOtwins+1

    I love the line Ain’t No Maybes—No More Babies
    There have been occasions where I tell my hubby one more would be nice. But like you he thinks I’m nuts. I just say it to watch his reactions, they are priceless.

    Found you on Multiples and More today!

  • http://3boys1hubbywhatnext.blogspot.com MamaOtwins+1

    I love the line Ain’t No Maybes—No More Babies
    There have been occasions where I tell my hubby one more would be nice. But like you he thinks I’m nuts. I just say it to watch his reactions, they are priceless.

    Found you on Multiples and More today!

  • http://mothereseblog.blogspot.com Kristen @ Motherese

    I hope there are no TLC executives reading your blog or else we might all be in store for a new series! (Even if you and Lovie aren’t ready for that particular starring role, I’m sure there are plenty of willing participants out there…)

  • http://mothereseblog.blogspot.com Kristen @ Motherese

    I hope there are no TLC executives reading your blog or else we might all be in store for a new series! (Even if you and Lovie aren’t ready for that particular starring role, I’m sure there are plenty of willing participants out there…)

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com Jack

    Only I haven’t been snipped. And I never will get snipped.

    Amen brother. I won’t ever either.

  • http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com Jack

    Only I haven’t been snipped. And I never will get snipped.

    Amen brother. I won’t ever either.

  • http://clarkkentslunchbox.blogspot.com/ Clark Kent’s Lunchbox

    Awe, it ain’t so bad. Nothing beats shuffling like a neutered dog as you make your way through the waiting room and seeing all those sympathetic faces staring back as you.

    …okay. It really sucked.

  • http://clarkkentslunchbox.blogspot.com/ Clark Kent’s Lunchbox

    Awe, it ain’t so bad. Nothing beats shuffling like a neutered dog as you make your way through the waiting room and seeing all those sympathetic faces staring back as you.

    …okay. It really sucked.

  • http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/ Lady of the House

    Very cute. Girlfriend got a new weave. It should have it’s own show.

  • http://www.ieatmykidzsnacks.com/ Lady of the House

    Very cute. Girlfriend got a new weave. It should have it’s own show.

  • http://www.buriedwithchildren.com Jen @ buried with children

    After our triplets, we knew that we didn’t want any more kids so I got fixed and Jeff got sniped. The only way we will have another kid is by a miracle of God.

    And I just wanted to say thanks for your complement about my blog. I am glad that my silly stories entertain you. I am really liking your blog as well.

    And one more thing, I think our kids are close to the same ages. My oldest is 5 and my triplets are 2. Fun times!

  • http://www.buriedwithchildren.com Jen @ buried with children

    After our triplets, we knew that we didn’t want any more kids so I got fixed and Jeff got sniped. The only way we will have another kid is by a miracle of God.

    And I just wanted to say thanks for your complement about my blog. I am glad that my silly stories entertain you. I am really liking your blog as well.

    And one more thing, I think our kids are close to the same ages. My oldest is 5 and my triplets are 2. Fun times!

  • http://www.loulousviews.com Loukia

    Oh gosh… yeah, I’d say your hands are full! What more could you want… look at your beautiful children! You are blessed. I feel complete and happy with my two boys, and currently I feel like I’m DONE with having kids… I think, though, as a mom, there will always be that feeling… that ‘what if we have one more… ‘ but, since my almost 2 year old is SO ACTIVE and never listens to me… I’m thinking… I’m done. I’m too tired to do this all over again!

  • http://www.loulousviews.com Loukia

    Oh gosh… yeah, I’d say your hands are full! What more could you want… look at your beautiful children! You are blessed. I feel complete and happy with my two boys, and currently I feel like I’m DONE with having kids… I think, though, as a mom, there will always be that feeling… that ‘what if we have one more… ‘ but, since my almost 2 year old is SO ACTIVE and never listens to me… I’m thinking… I’m done. I’m too tired to do this all over again!

  • http://thedevoteddad.com Jason @ The Devoted Dad

    John- You had me crackin’ up with your titles. “Our Good Lovin’ Made a Dozen?” Hah. As for us, we are not sure. We are good with 2 right now, but you just never know, right? -Jason

  • http://thedevoteddad.com Jason @ The Devoted Dad

    John- You had me crackin’ up with your titles. “Our Good Lovin’ Made a Dozen?” Hah. As for us, we are not sure. We are good with 2 right now, but you just never know, right? -Jason

  • Jill

    You are not right! :)

  • Jill

    You are not right! :)

  • http://www.trippin-lifewithtriplets.blogspot.com Christy

    Talking publicly about not planning to have more kids is a dangerous, dangerous thing.

    It’s like telling someone your triplets are sleeping through the night. You can guarantee it will be months before that happens again.

    So shhhhh! Don’t be flirting with danger my friend!

    Christy AKA Trippin’ Mama

  • http://www.trippin-lifewithtriplets.blogspot.com Christy

    Talking publicly about not planning to have more kids is a dangerous, dangerous thing.

    It’s like telling someone your triplets are sleeping through the night. You can guarantee it will be months before that happens again.

    So shhhhh! Don’t be flirting with danger my friend!

    Christy AKA Trippin’ Mama

  • http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com Tara R.

    If nothing else you have a great future in Reality Show title writing to help finance a bigger brood.

  • http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com Tara R.

    If nothing else you have a great future in Reality Show title writing to help finance a bigger brood.

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com Melisa with one S

    I wish that everyone could hear you tell stories in person like I did at our meet-up. As I read this, I imagined your voice in my head. :)

  • http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com Melisa with one S

    I wish that everyone could hear you tell stories in person like I did at our meet-up. As I read this, I imagined your voice in my head. :)

  • http://www.theamazingtrips.com Jen & The Amazing Trips

    While one upping the Gosselins might not be funny, two upping them is hilarious. If we added sextuplets to the mix, we’d be “Charlie & Jen plus Ten.”

    Women definitely think about babies more than men do. It’s in our DNA. When I told my husband that I’d like a fifth, he asked, “A fifth of what? Tequila??” When I told him, “No silly. A fifth baby!” his exact words were, “Oh no you don’t. You get the hell away from me, woman!”

    My girlfriend recently told her husband (who was unsure about having more children) that she was absolutely planning to have another baby and because she loves him, she wanted to give him the FIRST opportunity to be the father.

    Nice….

  • http://www.theamazingtrips.com Jen & The Amazing Trips

    While one upping the Gosselins might not be funny, two upping them is hilarious. If we added sextuplets to the mix, we’d be “Charlie & Jen plus Ten.”

    Women definitely think about babies more than men do. It’s in our DNA. When I told my husband that I’d like a fifth, he asked, “A fifth of what? Tequila??” When I told him, “No silly. A fifth baby!” his exact words were, “Oh no you don’t. You get the hell away from me, woman!”

    My girlfriend recently told her husband (who was unsure about having more children) that she was absolutely planning to have another baby and because she loves him, she wanted to give him the FIRST opportunity to be the father.

    Nice….

  • http://www.barbaramanatee.blogspot.com Barb

    oh my goodness! I am cracking up at all of these! Our Good Lovin’ made a Dozen?? LOL!!!

    We had hoped to have 2 children when we married…that was ‘the plan.’ Well…you know how ‘plans’ go, right?

    The first baby ended up being two….then before we could decide IF we wanted another…a bottle of wine on our anniversary decided for us! lol! it was the best bottle of wine ever though! I think 3 is the limit for us though…

  • http://www.barbaramanatee.blogspot.com Barb

    oh my goodness! I am cracking up at all of these! Our Good Lovin’ made a Dozen?? LOL!!!

    We had hoped to have 2 children when we married…that was ‘the plan.’ Well…you know how ‘plans’ go, right?

    The first baby ended up being two….then before we could decide IF we wanted another…a bottle of wine on our anniversary decided for us! lol! it was the best bottle of wine ever though! I think 3 is the limit for us though…

  • Pingback: Top 10 Advantages to Being an Older Parent