Trips to Work

I don’t know about you, but now that the holidays are officially over, I am so ready to get back to work. Don’t get me wrong, my time off was very nice, but with Pookie out of school, and the toddler trio in full effect, I couldn’t have managed another day at home if I tried. Unless of course, the kids magically disappeared and left Lovie and me at home by ourselves.

Wait a minute. That’s really not such a bad idea. And with Pookie starting school on Monday, that leaves just the triplets we’d need to farm off. Hmm. Assuming I can find them decent-paying jobs, maybe they could be the ones to go back to work while Lovie and I enjoy a little more down time.

Of course, their employer would have to be extremely flexible. Starting with dress code. The boys are a little young to be wearing power ties, but we’ll make sure to have them in their boldest “big boy pants.” No tasteful pant suit for C, either, but her Hello Kitty bow and “big girl panties” should do the trick.

here. take these. just in case.

Assuming they get to work at eight o’clock sharp, their first stop will be the company cafeteria. No coffee and bagel, though. More like “na-nas” and “joos.” After breakfast, it’ll just about be time for them to get crackin’, but first, they’ll need to take a turn on the potty. After all, they can’t go all day in their big boy pants/big girl panties without taking a turn on the potty. All companies are already equipped with handicapped toilets. I wonder what their plastic pottie seat situation is? No biggie either way. If need be, they can always take ours.

I hope it doesn’t annoy their co-workers when they hear happy voices singing “Pee pee YAY! Pee pee YAY!” and “Bye-bye pee pee,” from the stall next to theirs. If it does, at least they can take solace knowing that such singing will be short lived. Soon there’ll be a fight over who gets to flush the toilet.

Oh. And I guess we ought to warn their boss about the post-bathroom visit. You know. The one where they stampede out of the bathroom and run (naked) all the way to his office and start bitching until they get an M&M? He’d better have some cookies on hand, too, in case they drop the deuce. It gets ugly when they’re no cookies.

By then, it’ll be close to ten—just enough time for a coupla hours of work. Of course, they’re only two, so it’ll be hard for them to stay focused, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. Unless there’s a window in the office. Because if there is one, the wee threesome will congregate there and leave smudge marks with their tiny hands while bidding a fond farewell to everything they see. At least everything they see that they know the word for.

“Bye-bye plane. Bye-Bye truck. Bye-bye birdie. Bye-bye doggie. Bye-bye car.”

Sure hope their co-workers get used to all the bye-byes. On second thought, I guess it doesn’t matter—sadly, they’ll have no choice in the matter. Each and every time one of them walks by the triplets’ office, be it to get some water, or to make a photo-copy, or perhaps just to embark on a bathroom break of their own, the loud and gleeful bye-byes will begin yet again, this time directed at them. Too bad they won’t know that explaining you’re not actually leaving won’t remedy the situation. Oh well. They’ll find out soon enough.

After a quick lunch, it’ll be nap time. I wonder what the company policy on naps is. From my limited experience in corporate America, I seem to remember that sleeping on the job is usually frowned upon. Maybe the trips can sneak a nap in during a meeting or something. Surely someone will be giving a bullshit, power-point presentation. Those typically go down in a dark room.

Uh oh. That means there’ll be a fight about who gets to flip out the lights.

Maybe this isn’t such a great idea after all. They’re an adorable lot, but they sure require tons of work. And attention. And patience. It’s probably best if they stay at home.

Which brings me back to my initial point. l don’t know about you, but now that the holidays are officially over, I am so ready to get back to work.

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.

  • http://dadlogic.net dadlogic

    Wait a minute. You live in a house where they give out cookies for dropping a duce and you’d rather go to work and listen to boring PowerPoint presentations instead?

    Great post. Kept me laughing the whole way through.

  • http://dadlogic.net dadlogic

    Wait a minute. You live in a house where they give out cookies for dropping a duce and you’d rather go to work and listen to boring PowerPoint presentations instead?

    Great post. Kept me laughing the whole way through.

  • http://www.thebloggingdad.com The Blogging Dad

    If I had off last week, maybe I’d be feeling the same way. My wife might be ready since she was home. We actually put the kids in daycare a few days to run some errands and hear silence. Ahhh! Just followed you on Twitter.

  • http://www.thebloggingdad.com The Blogging Dad

    If I had off last week, maybe I’d be feeling the same way. My wife might be ready since she was home. We actually put the kids in daycare a few days to run some errands and hear silence. Ahhh! Just followed you on Twitter.

  • http://www.theperrytriplets.blogspot.com Abby

    Shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone, but after 2 weeks off work, Mommy and Daddy Perry are ready to go back to work too.

  • http://www.theperrytriplets.blogspot.com Abby

    Shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone, but after 2 weeks off work, Mommy and Daddy Perry are ready to go back to work too.

  • Nicki

    I am so thinking I am ready to go back to work. #5 is, after a rather white knuckled drive, back at college. #2 went back last week. We are down to the bare bones here and #6 is headed back to school tomorrow. I can finally get back to work!

  • Nicki

    I am so thinking I am ready to go back to work. #5 is, after a rather white knuckled drive, back at college. #2 went back last week. We are down to the bare bones here and #6 is headed back to school tomorrow. I can finally get back to work!

  • http://www.taylorplustriplets.blogspot.com Jessica

    Hey! I just found you through your comment on my blog. Nice to meet you! Taylor, aka “Big Bubba” was 6 when our triplets were born too. How old are yours? Mine are 20 months today.

  • http://www.taylorplustriplets.blogspot.com Jessica

    Hey! I just found you through your comment on my blog. Nice to meet you! Taylor, aka “Big Bubba” was 6 when our triplets were born too. How old are yours? Mine are 20 months today.

  • http://www.buriedwithchildren.com Jen @ buried with children

    Ok, first the 3 potties made me break out in a cold sweat b/c potty training is getting close for us and I am FREAKING out about that.

    But other than that, I am totally with you! I so wish that Monday I was going to work and my kids were going to school or daycare. But I have one more day. That beautifulness will all happen on Tuesday.

  • http://www.buriedwithchildren.com Jen @ buried with children

    Ok, first the 3 potties made me break out in a cold sweat b/c potty training is getting close for us and I am FREAKING out about that.

    But other than that, I am totally with you! I so wish that Monday I was going to work and my kids were going to school or daycare. But I have one more day. That beautifulness will all happen on Tuesday.

  • http://mothereseblog.blogspot.com Kristen

    Yes, that picture of the Baby Bjorn potty chairs stopped me in my tracks as well. One has just infiltrated our bathroom and I am very nervous about the havoc that is about to unfold.

    I love your imagining of your triplets heading off for a day at the office. I often think of the ways in which youth is wasted on the young so I appreciate your reversal of the equation – kids inhabiting and taking over an adult world.

  • http://mothereseblog.blogspot.com Kristen

    Yes, that picture of the Baby Bjorn potty chairs stopped me in my tracks as well. One has just infiltrated our bathroom and I am very nervous about the havoc that is about to unfold.

    I love your imagining of your triplets heading off for a day at the office. I often think of the ways in which youth is wasted on the young so I appreciate your reversal of the equation – kids inhabiting and taking over an adult world.

  • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

    @dadlogic, your comment made me laugh out loud. hard. it’s always great to hear from you as well as to pay your blog a visit.

    @the blogging dad — silence. never knew how clutch it was til now, my friend.

    @abby — your secret’s safe with me!

    @nicki — i LOVE it when you stop by to read. i’m a HUGE fan of yours! and glad that you survived your white knuckle drive.

    @ Jessica — i bet big bubba is a great helper, isn’t he? our daughter is HUGE when it comes to giving us a hand. our little guys turned two about three months ago. and don’t worry… two’s a piece of cake. (LIE)

    @ Jen — first off, your blog title absolutely rocks. second off, tomorrow (tues) is the big day. back to school and day care! hope you have a great week.

    @ Kristen — hey, the way i look at it, they invade my adult world every day. just no one elses. consider that post a fantasy of what would happen if they were corporate america’s triplets. not that i’d want them to be. we LOVE our little guys. just like i know you love yours!

  • http://www.johncaveosborne.com johncaveosborne

    @dadlogic, your comment made me laugh out loud. hard. it’s always great to hear from you as well as to pay your blog a visit.

    @the blogging dad — silence. never knew how clutch it was til now, my friend.

    @abby — your secret’s safe with me!

    @nicki — i LOVE it when you stop by to read. i’m a HUGE fan of yours! and glad that you survived your white knuckle drive.

    @ Jessica — i bet big bubba is a great helper, isn’t he? our daughter is HUGE when it comes to giving us a hand. our little guys turned two about three months ago. and don’t worry… two’s a piece of cake. (LIE)

    @ Jen — first off, your blog title absolutely rocks. second off, tomorrow (tues) is the big day. back to school and day care! hope you have a great week.

    @ Kristen — hey, the way i look at it, they invade my adult world every day. just no one elses. consider that post a fantasy of what would happen if they were corporate america’s triplets. not that i’d want them to be. we LOVE our little guys. just like i know you love yours!

  • http://louispartyof5.blogspot.com Kim

    I just saw your comment on my blog and checked out yours and found that you, too, are in Knoxville. What a small world! Hubby and I watched your video. Glad to see another triplet family in our area. We have an unofficial group of triplet families who get together at times. I’d love to hear from your wife sometime if she has a chance.
    Take care and keep blogging! I’m trying for daily in 2010 (at least pics anyway).

  • http://louispartyof5.blogspot.com Kim

    I just saw your comment on my blog and checked out yours and found that you, too, are in Knoxville. What a small world! Hubby and I watched your video. Glad to see another triplet family in our area. We have an unofficial group of triplet families who get together at times. I’d love to hear from your wife sometime if she has a chance.
    Take care and keep blogging! I’m trying for daily in 2010 (at least pics anyway).

  • http://www.madd0g.org Mo

    I LOVE nap time. My nap time I mean…which is on the weekend when the baby naps…

  • http://www.madd0g.org Mo

    I LOVE nap time. My nap time I mean…which is on the weekend when the baby naps…

  • http://tendollarthoughts.wordpress.com Gale

    Terrific post. Some other thoughts to consider before you ship the trips off to the ivory tower:

    1. Will they require chaperones on business travel?
    2. In this age of online directory information, will there be any phone books lying around for them to sit on at their desks?
    3. Who will set up their LinkedIn profiles?
    4. Who will read their stories before naptime? Can someone in HR be responsible for that?

    Once you get those bases covered, I think they’ll be all set. Good luck!

  • http://tendollarthoughts.wordpress.com Gale

    Terrific post. Some other thoughts to consider before you ship the trips off to the ivory tower:

    1. Will they require chaperones on business travel?
    2. In this age of online directory information, will there be any phone books lying around for them to sit on at their desks?
    3. Who will set up their LinkedIn profiles?
    4. Who will read their stories before naptime? Can someone in HR be responsible for that?

    Once you get those bases covered, I think they’ll be all set. Good luck!

  • http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy L

    So happy to be back in this brand new decade reading (and laughing) about “the wee threesome.” And can’t wait to read more in your book. Soon!!

    (Love the new site.)

  • http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities

    So happy to be back in this brand new decade reading (and laughing) about “the wee threesome.” And can’t wait to read more in your book. Soon!!

    (Love the new site.)

  • Larry

    not to mention driving them to Pilot or
    Alstrom

  • Larry

    not to mention driving them to Pilot or
    Alstrom

  • http://ciarasramblingsandwhatnot.com ciara

    haha @ the 1st commentator mentioning cookies as a reward for dropping a duce. this was a real funny post, and i have to tell you though, i am glad i am out of the baby/toddler phase…tho this tween/teen drama crap is something i could do without lol

  • http://ciarasramblingsandwhatnot.com ciara

    haha @ the 1st commentator mentioning cookies as a reward for dropping a duce. this was a real funny post, and i have to tell you though, i am glad i am out of the baby/toddler phase…tho this tween/teen drama crap is something i could do without lol

  • mama2point0

    I wish someone would ship me off to corporate America! I don’t get M&M’s or cookies for doing anything! Kids have NO idea how good they’ve got it, do they?! I was thinking that very same thing as I packed their lunches & laid out EVERY SINGLE item of clothing that they needed to put on. I’m coming back as one of my kids in my next life. How about you? :-)

  • mama2point0

    I wish someone would ship me off to corporate America! I don’t get M&M’s or cookies for doing anything! Kids have NO idea how good they’ve got it, do they?! I was thinking that very same thing as I packed their lunches & laid out EVERY SINGLE item of clothing that they needed to put on. I’m coming back as one of my kids in my next life. How about you? :-)

  • http://www.barbaramanatee.blogspot.com Barbara Manatee

    lol!! Great! I am a working mom – a teacher – so I just had about 2 weeks off of work. I have 3 year old twins and an almost-1 year old. Usually, I am dreading returning to work…I long for the option to be a SAHM…but after the holiday break we had (4 cases of the flu, a case of hand, foot and mouth disease, a 6th round of pink eye, missing Christmas, etc…) I, for the first time ever, was relieved to return to work….of course, I’ve been back a week and can’t wait for the weekend to snuggle with my babes again…but hey..

    I guess we’re never happy, huh? LOL!

  • http://www.barbaramanatee.blogspot.com Barbara Manatee

    lol!! Great! I am a working mom – a teacher – so I just had about 2 weeks off of work. I have 3 year old twins and an almost-1 year old. Usually, I am dreading returning to work…I long for the option to be a SAHM…but after the holiday break we had (4 cases of the flu, a case of hand, foot and mouth disease, a 6th round of pink eye, missing Christmas, etc…) I, for the first time ever, was relieved to return to work….of course, I’ve been back a week and can’t wait for the weekend to snuggle with my babes again…but hey..

    I guess we’re never happy, huh? LOL!