Twenty-Eight Things I’ve Learned as the Father of Triplets

okay, i can do this

1. Along with sporting events and campfires, babies are the biggest reason why the hotdog industry is still alive and kicking.

2. Human beings are born good. It’s the world that turns us bad.

3. Necessity taught me how to pick up and carry three babies at the same time.

4. Necessity also taught me how to relieve myself while holding two, and using my leg to keep the third out of, um, the line of fire.

5. Every adult has a Donald Duck voice.

6. Most Donald Duck voices suck.

7. No matter how lame the Donald Duck voice is, every baby still thinks it’s funny.

8. Little boys wear gowns. (Really??)

9. These gowns are manufactured by companies with names like Kissy Kissy. (Is that true???)

10. Said manufacturers, I’ve concluded, are trying to turn my boys into the laughing stock of the male baby community. Why don’t they just go ahead and hand out free ass-kickings with each emasculating purchase my wife insists on making?

11. You don’t have to be as careful as you think when checking on three babies in the middle of the night. They’re not gonna wake up.

12. When changing a diaper, pulling a wipe from the plastic container doesn’t go down as advertised. The one on top is almost always stuck and requires the diaper changer to dig for it.

13. If a three month old’s ding dong is exposed during that digging, there’s a two in five chance the changer gets doused.

14. I could invent the cure for all forms of cancer and my guy friends would still consider me nothing more than “that poor bastard with two-year-old triplets.”

15. Whenever one of our babies takes a shit in the tub, we have no idea which one it is.

16. Whenever one of our babies takes a shit in the tub, I automatically rule out my daughter for reasons pertaining to mental serenity.

17. I’m better at changing dirty diapers than most men.

18. I’m better at changing dirty diapers than most women.

19. I’m not so great at discarding dirty diapers in a secured manner.

WARNING: shit-eating grin often taken to literal level

warning: shit eating grin often taken to literal level

20. Because of #19, our dog has discovered that he likes to eat soiled diapers.

21. Ingesting these soiled diapers makes our dog throw up.

22. Kissing a dog on the mouth, it turns out, isn’t that great of an idea after all.

23. With three babies, it’s virtually impossible to be over-protective.

24. Those overprotective parents who act as if they’re the first couple to ever have a baby? The ones who treat their infant as if the very survival of planet Earth is directly proportional to their kid’s wellbeing? Y’all need to get over yourselves. Friendly reminder–you’re like the umpteenth billion couple to have a baby. Back in the stone ages, babies were raised in caves, for crying out loud. Babies aren’t gonna break. Quit treating them like they could. If your kid misses a nap, eats some dirt, or skins his knee, he’ll be okay. All you’re doing is creating a sissy. (Wait, you don’t work for a baby clothing manufacturer, do you?)

25. People think it’s perfectly okay to ask the parents of triplets extremely personal questions. Did y’all do in-vitro? People, that’s invasive stuff. (And no, we didn’t).

26. Doubling the size of your family overnight by quadrupling the number of children in it does not affect the amount of love you can give each one. Love is infinite, and infinity divided by any number is still infinity.

27. Buttons suck, snaps rock, and zippers RULE.

28. And the twenty-eighth thing I’ve learned as the father of triplets, the most important of them all is…well, you’ll have to buy my book in 2010 to find out what number twenty-eight is. And read it. You’ll have to read my book. All of it. Because it’s like the very last thing in there. And if you cheat and read the ending first, it won’t make any sense. (The preceding statements have been inspired by, and are therefore dedicated to my seventh-grade English teacher, Mrs. Gill, who busted out a similar, sorry vocal at least a thousand times. And it never worked. I probably shouldn’t have used it. My bad.)

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About john cave osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as DisneyBaby, Babble, YahooShine, TLC and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. He and his wife, Caroline, live with their five children and spastic dog in Knoxville, TN. Nothing annoys him more than joke-heavy bios written in the third person, with the possible exception of Corey Feldman.